Friend advice

I'm having an issue with my best friend over my DS surgery and I was wondering if anyone has any advice. We have been friends for years and I'm her Maid of Honor for her wedding next year. She battles weight issues as well and told me before surgery that she was honestly jealous and as unfair as it sounded, she was upset that I'd be getting skinny during her wedding year. Since my surgery my recovery has been hard and she's really been pulling away. When I asked her about it, she told me that she's having a lot of trouble feeling sorry for me during my recovery because I chose to do this. I feel like I'm losing my best friend and it's awful. I know she's trying, but her whole attitude is that I made the easy choice and this whole thing is going to be easy. I know it's not going to be fast or easy because this is my second surgery, and the weight doesn't magically come off. It is a hard and long journey. Now I'm just sad because I feel like I can't be honest with my best friend when I'm having hard days, but I also want to be sensitive to her feelings. How did people handle friendships changing after surgery?

The long and short of it is: there will be some people that think you took the easy way out. You didn't, don't buy into that. There is nothing easy about this. It is life changing. For me it was no more insulin and metformin for my diabetes. You have to eat enough protein and take your vitamins if you want to live. You also signed on for lab work. YOU made this decision for yourself to have a better life. If your friend can't handle that, that says a lot to you about your friendship. DS folks have lost friends, marriages, family. Some may be jealous, but that isn't your problem, it's theirs.

Try to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. You did your research and this was the best possible resolution for your health. You don't want to lose your friendship, but support goes both ways.

People change. Friendship changes. Some friendship may not survive the changes.

Consider your friend feelings and pull away just in that area. Find someone else you can talk to about the struggles and completely avoid that subject with her. Anything related to the surgery, losing weight, etc etc - make it non existent in your talks with her if you want the relationship to survive. -But be prepared it may not survive anyway.

Also- she may change her decision of you being her maid of honor. If that happens - remember it is not because of what you did for you - but that because how she feels about that. And her inability to deal with changes in you.

Being obese together is probably something that you both found comfort with each other about. There was no judgement between the two of you then. You losing weight has taken that comfort away from her and whether you are or not, she is probably feeling judged where she didn't used to, and it's likely all in her head. You cannot fix that.

What you can do is take weight off of the table of discussion unless she brings it up. I have a friend who was looking into wls the same time I was. I dove in, and she chickened out. We went through a few awkward years.

Unfortunately you can't control how she feels and you can't force her to support you. I'm so sorry that she is not there to support you or recognize that this life-changing event is when you need your BF the most.

I have seen marriages and friendships fail as the result of WLS. A very good friend of mine (she was actually my surgery buddy the day of) told another friend of ours about 6 months after my DS that she hated listening to me talk about my weight loss (she was a normal size but had body issues of her own). She ultimately stopped talking to me for years. Maybe it was jealousy - who knows. But it was her, not me. We have only recently reacquainted, which I'm very pleased about.

You need to surround yourself with people who support you and bring you positive energy.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I know how hurtful it is as I am going through something similar. Take care of yourself and don't for a second believe that you took the "easy way out", but that you took action to save your life. If she can't understand that or look past her own issues to be supportive of you, then please don't let her drag you down.

I respectively agree to disagree. I do not think that WLS surgery, controversial or not, should be hidden like it is something taboo that I should be ashamed of. The first time round, I hide it, and all it did was cause people to gossip and draw their own conclusion, so this time I decided to be proud of my decision and own it. Being healthy in all ways includes me being proud of myself and honest with my decisions. Also, I find the more people are honest about controversial topics, the more supportive and understanding people become as it is not as unknown to them. Plus, I've had lots of people ask me for advice as they are considering the surgery and this way they know how I lost weight, and I can honestly help them and not lie that I magically found a perfect new diet.

I do feel bad for the timing, but my decision to try to lose weight, so that I can gain back the ability to walk after knee surgery had nothing to do with my friend's wedding...and it shouldn't have. I honestly don't think me being skinnier is going to upstage her perfect day surrounded by family and friends. I just got married, and the only thing I was focused on was being so happy I got to marry my best friend in front of everyone I loved. Honestly, the last thing on my mind was the weight of my wedding guests.