Rehab for Bad Group Experience

LOL! They are creative! I'll give them that! You seem like a decent human being! I'll take you over them any day! 

Humor aside, who uses personal attacks like that? 

Don't know about thos situation, but in others, after an attack, there may be a withdrawal period, where the adrenalin is released and the endorphin payoff rendered, so the spent bully just sits around like a cat with a squirrel's hide that doesn't understand why the squirrel won't play anymore. Soon enough it all starts to build again. Something like that, who knows what and why...

Ignore them. They'll get bored and find someone else to abuse. 

Don't take this wrong, because I most certainly have been where you are at, but you are taking this far too seriously and letting it affect you more then you need to, which is not at all.  These are not people that you will likely have any kind of relationship with outside of forums.  They have zero to do with your real life, your real friends, your reality.  They (and I) are just letters on a white background on your computer screen.  They have no power at all.

Three and a half years ago I came back here after a revision.  I say came back but really I have belonged to OH for years but never participated on the forums.  I mainly just joined for research and information.  The site was a lot different then.  After my first surgery I had a lot of side effects that lowered my quality of life to nothing along with regaining almost all the weight I lost.  I was sicker then I have ever been.  I cannot describe the physical or mental state I was in adequately.  I was so fatigued I could not change my clothes, take a shower, comb my hair or brush my teeth.  I hardly left my house.  I begged my surgeon for a reversal and was told that I could have a revision.  My surgeon is very respected, had been the chief of surgery at a respected teaching university and I did what he recommended.  I didn't question him because I didn't have the energy or desire.  I just wanted to get better and I was willing to do whatever it took. 

After years of being sick, isolated and then having major surgery that took whatever was left out of me I was raw, an exposed wound.  I came here for support and advice and I was attacked horribly.  The funniest part of the attack is that I was berated for going back to my surgeon when I had been warned over and over not to go back to him.  Those conversations never took place as I didn't even sign back onto OH until a few weeks after my revision.  They must have been thinking of someone else.  I was blamed for all my problems and called names for being so stupid as to go to a surgeon that I had no idea was so disliked by so many here.  I even had a thread made about me, talking about how stupid I was.  I had my intelligence questioned and was accused of being dimwitted, at the least.  Some of the people who are still here may remember and can confirm.  I took it so hard, I was depressed (even more then I had already been), scared that I made the worst mistake of my life and was doomed to a future of misery, as if what I had been living wasn't miserable enough.  I came for support and I got attacked.

But I also got a lot of support.  The good outweighed the bad by so much it didn't even compare.  For every person that attacked me, at least 3 people encouraged me and supported me.  I thought about leaving but I realized I would be losing so much positive because of a few negative.  But I was so weak physically and emotionally at that time that I felt much like you do now.  It was all very real to me, as if these were people in my life who were shunning and condemning me for my decisions.  My daughter, who was about 15 at the time, was a lot wiser then me, having been online pretty much all her life and been through a lot of the same time of things.  She saw how upset I let it get me and I'll never forget what she said, for risk of being politically incorrect.  She told me that fighting on the internet was like running in the Special Olympics.  Even if you got a ribbon you were still, well the polite phrase now is "developed delayed", if you catch my drift.  

Now, three and a half years later I am healthy again, physically and somewhat emotionally and I don't let things strangers I will never meet, get under my skin.  But back then I was an exposed nerve.  I didn't have the emotional resources to deal with conflict, even with a group of strangers who had no bearing in my life.  It felt very real and very painful.  The only way I was able to let it go was by focusing on all the good people I got to communicate with through all this.  People I still have never met or even spoken with on the phone, but whose kindness and compassion shines through the letters on the screen.  I found an online support group of people who have helped me be more successful and healthier then I would have been without them.  They are knowledgeable and helpful without being unkind.  I am also able to gleen many good things from people whose style I may not like or agree with but I can learn from their vast experience without engaging them.  I don't have to win a popularity contest to get help and support, all I have to do is ask and be teachable and not presume to know the answers to things that I have no experience with.  If I don't agree with something I don't have to start a war over it.  I just disregard that which I don't need or agree with and utilize the parts which are helpful to me, quietly.  No one really cares about my opinion and if they did they would ask.  That isn't to say that I don't sometimes offer unsolicited advice, but I hope my true intention to help comes through and doesn't come across as preachy or judgmental. Everyone has their own style of asking for and giving help.  As a friend of mine used to say, there is a wrench for every nut.

Hopefully, soon, you will get your revision and you will feel much better physically and emotionally and gain the emotional strength to not take things to heart and not let people who don't matter hurt you.  Love those who are there for you and care about you and focus on them and don't give the others a second thought, because I can guarantee you, they aren't giving you a second thought.  The old saying, don't give others free rent in your mind.  It only hurts you and decreases your own quality of life while the others go about their own lives blissfully unaware or unconcerned about whatever it is you may be feeling. 

Ladytazz, I know you weren't specifically speaking to me, but I'd like to thank you for sharing your experience and advice. It really struck a chord with me because unfortunately my experience over the past month or so has been remarkably similar to that of the OP. I can't believe I let it go on that long, but before surgery I was scared and looking for information and right after surgery I was hoping to do everything right and intimidated by my new plumbing and looking for information and support. I was falsely led to believe only one group of people had the "real" or "most accurate" knowledge. I've been very vulnerable and I realize now that allowing myself to stay in that hostile environment did nothing but shred my confidence! I'm usually a pretty confident person, so this was a new experience for me!  I thought standing up and explaining/defending myself would help, but it only made things worse. I thought I could somehow get them to see my side, see how unfair they were being, but I realize now that the only resolution is completely disengaging. Doing that was much easier when I realized what I was doing to myself by allowing them that much control! I love your analogy regarding fighting over the internet! 

I have been a mental health and addictions counselor, for 30 years, working in every venue, and there are bullies everywhere. They are sick people who have pain and anger so deep that they burn out healthy and safe groups and have to set up a group where they are in control, especially protected by those who admin the site and those others who prey on the needy, and make them believe there is no other way, and that harm will come to you if you try to get out of their sick childish system.

The harder you squirm, the more they crush you. Of course, it is important to sift through the responses, ignore some, and take in others. However, staying where these jackals come out of the hills and attack mercilessly. No. No info has to come at that price. That is a sick, dysfunctional, cult like atmosphere. Been there, done that... lost my sou and got it back, No one will take it from me again!

The advice to read more and post less for a while is good advice.  There are some extremely smart, experienced, and valuable people on those other boards.  A few of us hang back to the site of our roots and help those who stumble here alone the path.  With some of those wonderful resources come some very strong personalities.  Sometimes it comes by way of arrogance, sometimes out of exasperation..others by alter-ego.  I came across a couple in the past that were practically bullies online, but very meek and mild in real life.  Its strange indeed.  By sitting back and reading a little, you'll start to learn the difference and know how to approach if you wish to participate.  I do encourage you to at least scroll through the posts and read.  There's SO much information to be shared.

Eyes open, mouth shut? Good reminder...{:>}

SO, I am banned from the highly toxic and dysfunctional group over yonder! Thank God, my curiosity was killing me, and now I don't have to worry about it,,, A real relief!