Marriage After Surgery

I am just going to go all out and be completely honest here.  I had heard before my surgery that a lot of couple have marriage problems post WLS.  But I wasn't worried.  Afterall, I had the PERFECT marriage!  My husband is as good as they come.

 

What I was NOT prepared for was how my weight loss was going to change ME!

So, I lost 150 pounds in a year.  I looked and felt great.  I was attractive to other men.  And I thought, "This feels REALLY good."  So, I willfully decided to seek that attention from another man in the form of an affair.

If you knew me, you'd be aghast.  Christian woman...married to a minister...I had an affair with a Dr...also married.

My husband and I have been separated now for 18 months.  He forgives me, and he wants me back.  We have four beautiful children together.

The problem I face is that I love my SELFISH lifestyle!

There.  I said it.  I am the world's most selfish person!!

I have a forgiving and wonderful husband who wants me back.  I have 4 wonderful children with him.

Can somebody talk some sense into me??

I am also a full-time mom to boot...

Thanks for any insight you can give.

If any of you have been through anything similar, I would love to hear from you.

 

You need professional help from a counselor.  I say this as a poster child for counseling.  You need better insight to why you feel the way you do that only can come from an objective third party.  It could be a long and painful process, yet very well worth the effort.  My cumulative 20 plus years were for me.

I second the counseling idea.  And I think you should also see an attorney and a financial planner of some kind.

 

But yes, I understand.  You settled a lot and missed out on a lot because you were heavy.  Voila, weight gone and now you have a chance to see what life is like on the other side of the fence.  And you took it.  You took a chance to experience those fun things you missed out on when you were young and free.  A do-over.  It was fun and exciting.

 

You could well have the best husband and kids in the world but if being with them, and living that life, is going to make you feel like you are serving a life sentence,  it's just not for you anymore.  But I wonder if you are going to like the hard realities of choosing to walk that path.  Can you support yourself?  Really?  Truly?  Make enough to pay for your insurance, car repairs, emergencies, taxes?  Poverty takes a lot of the fun out of life, fat or thin.  And lets not forget, possibly child support for 4 kids.  Even at your state's minimum I bet it would be at least 1K per month.  And forget about your doctor, he is going to have  financial responsibilities to his family and if his wife paid his way through medical school and provided financial support for him to become a doctor, he could be paying her for years too.  And finally, could you ever really trust him?  After all, he was cheating on his wife when he met you.

 

And it's not going to be a bowl of cherries if you go back to the husband and kids either.  No matter what they say, they are angry and you have a lot of sins to atone for.  There is always a price to pay.  And it will be a long time till they trust and respect you again.  And you have to be willing to walk the straight and narrow.  No more escapades.  You have to be willing to live the rest of your life as 'Mom' and the 'Preachers Wife'.  And I can tell you for sure it really screws up the kids to live in a family where one of the parents is unfaithful.

 

Even if you got your do-over, you still only get one life.  What do you want to do with it?  Get some help and make a decision soon.  There's a whole group of people who need to know so they can also have their own lives.  It's not all that unusual to wake up one day and realize you don't like what you have.  But what do you really need to change to find a measure of happiness for you?  The change you really need may be much less drastic than what you are contemplating.  Maybe you just need to have some kind of life outside the home.  Something that's not cooking, cleaning, and caretaking.  Think hard.  Question yourself.  Why did you do what you did?

 

My situation was totally different from yours but I ended up having to make a lot of hard choices.  Were they the right ones?  I don't know because the grass on the other side of the fence still looks greener!  No life is perfect and you always trade in one set of problems for another.  I will say that poverty really sucks.  Especially if you are accustomed to having pretty much everything you need.

 

Best of luck!  Choose wisely.

 

 

That's the problem with most of this world. Stop being selfish! You have a family so be loyal to them. There will be time enough for you to change your life / husband/ etc after the kids are grown. Assuming of course that there aren't any abuse issues?



I know fat folk face a lot of descrimination and to be thin and "attractive" causes emotions but your firstly loyalty should be to your family. I know the conventional thinking is make yourself happy etc... That's how we get the current societal issues we have now. So stay the course and get your family back together. As for counseling, seek religious based marriage counseling in addition to mental therapy for your self esteem issues.

It almost sounds like an addictive personality reaction.  You crave the attention from others, like another might crave a drink, sex, or a twinkie.  It's different vices but still an unreasonable craving.  The scary part is that when this is over, it could morph into something else, like alcohol or drugs, too.  You may be shaking your head, but you're already committing mortal sins against what you held dear to your heart such a short time ago.  

I too, recommend counseling to make sure your selfish behavior doesn't turn destructive.

Thanks to all.

Are you physically attracted to your husband? Are you attracted to him as a person?

Physically...not really.  As a person, he is wonderful.

Not an expert, just an opinion based off what you said.  It sounds like since you lost your weight, you have some inner ambitions you trying let out.  You have a itch that you desperately want to stretch, not necessary want to leave your husband.  Your husband represent comfort, security and support....if he was desiring someone, that would probably , and you saw the desire in his eye, you would definite change your feelings, it may be slowly but it would happen. 

You have desires, and they are coming out, they probably was already there even before you got the surgery. 

You may need to catch your husband up on some intimate desires, include and bring on the journey.

Prior to my wt gain I was very successful with receiving attention from the opposite sex as a result I do not feel the pull simply because of the wt loss.  That said what I have learned with age one needs to find happiness with them selves as another person can not make you happy and it is unfair to put that kind of pressure on another person meaning your male mate. 

Above and beyond my heart goes out to you, please do not be so hard on yourself as you are human and it sounds like you are beating yourself up.  Remember from your teaching it is not for us to judge you.  You will be in my prayers and I hope life works out for all involved.  Please know there all kinds of therapy that is helpful including prayer.  I think it is helpful to reach out and talk to God if you are unable to get in to see someone right away go back to the basics and pray he will listen and has broader shoulders then even the internet!!!

Donna