I guess it really is me.....

I do want to be happy.  Loneliness is what is making me unhappy. I've always been an over achiever, and have not had much difficulty in achieving my goals up until now.  I've had a lot of upheaval in the last decade and a half of my life, and not just here and there.  I've had personal crisis one right after another, and I hate living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.  If you are a Bible reader, you may recall the book of Job in the Old Testament. That describes what my life has been like. I have been assailed by misfortune for the past 14 years.  One thing right after another. My DS, and shedding 245 pounds is the brightest spot in my life.  I have been dealing with the illness and death of close relatives since I returned to my hometown, after losing my dream job in a mega-merger, then being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and declining myself .  The one way I can describe how I'm feeling is the scene in Rocky where Apollo Creed gets the crap beat out of him, me being Apollo Creed.

I'm not going to write a long tome detailing everything, but I'd lay odds that anyone who has had even a fourth of what I've had to deal with would find themselves in the same emotional spot I'm in right now.  Holidays only make it feel worse.  I don't like feeling the way I do, it's miserable, and I know that some on this board think I'm a whiner, but I'm not. 

Sorry if I'm offensive to some of you, but if there were anyone in person (including my therapist) who could truly understand how much pain I feel, I wouldn't be here writing.  There's a lot that I don't tell anyone, and I felt safe coming here to try to get it out of my system. 

Sorry if I'm offensive to some of you, but if there were anyone in person (including my therapist) who could truly understand how much pain I feel, I wouldn't be here writing.  There's a lot that I don't tell anyone, and I felt safe coming here to try to get it out of my system.

Jazzy, you're not offensive, at least not to me. What I'm trying to make you see is that while no one can ever know exactly what you're feeling, we all have our own sorrows. I think people understand you far better than you realize, and that a lot of people really do feel just as much pain as you do. You are not alone, trite as that sounds.

Someone suggested that you'd be happier if you'd get out and do for others. It really does help.

Jazzy,

In just the short time I've been here, you are a wonderful person!  We each have our own journey and struggles.  The Holidays are the hardest time for me as well.  I must say, as I told one of my BFF's who's 1200 miles away on the phone at 1am last night, it was the worst one of my life!  My parents have both passed, I am childless, boyfriendless and am currently living in an area of the country that is not for me!   Too boot, on the downside to 50.  I don't care to socialize anymore nor do I have the funds.  The only thing I look forward to these days is getting off work (I have a great part-time job) and playing with my little dog).  I refuse to be down even though I've been through "hell" with this surgery and still have a lot of issues.  Yesterday hit me like a brick!!!  I've had the darkest days in my life (other than when my parents passed) since this surgery. 

When you get up in the morning... Go in front of a mirror and say out loud "I am beautiful, I am worthy"   Breathe deep (in through your nose and out through your mouth ~ expanding then pulling in your stomach), that helps get the oxygen going in your body for the day.  Try meditating in the mornings (You don't have to hum) or praying for 30 minutes. 

I had a great life once upon a time... Life changed over a time period...  The weight that I had once lost without surgery in the 90's had come back on...  The one thing I know, is that when I am ready, I must put myself out there again. 

I am a huge fan of Dr Wayne Dyer & Hay House.  They are great motivators!

Wishing you all the best!

 

I'm not going to touch the whole relationship side of these posts, but I will weigh in on the career side. If you still have designs on reviving your career in some form or fashion you don't have to do an audition tape or work long hours for anyone else. With various blogging and podcasting tools available in the words of Nike," Just Do It" you have plenty of time start learning how and figuring out what you want to say. It seems you have a lot to say so say it to a broader audience. You can even do video at some point. The point is the old models of gatekeepers in communications have been turned on their ear. They still exist is mass commercial media but not so much in social media so start where you can and build it big.

 

Career is not something I do just for the joy of it.  I need to get paid.  It helped that I had a career that i loved. The application process for a real job in radio or TV demands an audio file or CD composite of your previous work.That is a non-negotiable part of the application process. Commercial media is where I want to be.

In my opinion, blogging and podcasting are things one does just for their own vanity, whether it's their calling or not.  I've seen enough really horrible ones online to know.  Most are vehicles for propaganda.

 

 

Most yes, but there are those who make money doing it. As far as having to be paid... If you only do what you're paid to do you will never make more then you're worth. In other words you want a job where you work the hours you want, doing the work you want, making the income you want. A bit unrealistic whereas if you create your own income opprtunity then it becomes very realistic. Think of the possibilities.

Librivox is the public domain equivalent to Audible.com .  Everything is done by volunteers.  You might be interested in volunteering to read books.  Other volunteers will walk you through the process of getting started.

http://librivox.org/

Jazz,

I can tell you I can relate. I lost my dad in February and dealing with my step mom was a major emotional ordeal, had surgery in May, moved from Oklahoma to Texas with my boyfriend in August, Started a new job and absolutely hated it and got another job and still trying to adjust. So I have had 5 or 6 of the biggest life stressors happen in 6 months. On top of that I think that Im going to  break up with my boyfriend cause he is just not helping my situation at all and is an additional stressor. Somedays I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. More days than not I just burst in tears because I feel so much emotion then there are are many I feel that I cant deal; sad, angry, resentment, and lonely. I am going to a counselor to and she just says I need to deal with all this and quit bottling it up. What the hell does that mean?!?!?! I'm trying but I dont know what i am feeling and how I am supposed to feel! Needless to say, I can relate. On top of all that I am not losing as much weight as I should I feel and sometimes i look at certain things about my body and think nothing has changed at all. All I can say is that we just take it day by day, (as they tell us). And realize this is hard and light tunnel is nowhere near now and you are going to be sad for awhile but know that its out there. Have you thought about exercising? I hate it as much as the next person but I felt so much better and thought clearer when I did. But, ENDORPHINS, ENDORPHINS, ENDORPHINS! I wish you all the luck.