I guess it really is me.....

Wow! so you were a news report, what is stopping you for continuing being a news report?  Is that a dream of the past?

Jazzy, you have so much to be blessed for.  You have today, and tomorrow.  Besides a man, what will truly make you happy, without, the help of others.  Is there something you truly desire to accomplish, or do.....perhaps, some traveling? 

Whenever I move to a new area, because I have often move around in my lifetime.  I always join a church, or sign up on the latest meet-up group in the area online, or  online dating.  Things to keep me occupied. However I do not take them too serious. I often go to my regular spot for happy hour, not to meet a potential mate, but for socialize.  Slowly but surely, I would meet someone.  However, check out the closes meet up group around you.  Its all about trying different things.  Trust,    so many people feel the way you do, perhaps in a different way.....loneliness, but I often keep myself busy.  Keep yourself busy doing something you truly enjoy. 

Now you probably heard this but I often find friends in similar situation, but I like how they find a new interest, or something they enjoy doing.  My aunt, who always love staying in the house, who is over 50, a complete introvert, has found the love of Zumba.....I'm not into it, its like whatever make you happy, but she have been meeting friends.

Plus,  there are some beautiful kids out there that  need your love,..all ages.

May your days get brighter and better.

Sunshine.

Sunshine-

Doing the kind of reporting I was doing, out in the car, getting stepped on, cursed out, yelled at, then back in the car, feeding reports and on to the next story, is way too physical for me to do now, with lupus and fibromyalgia, which I probably had even then, when I was younger and more able to shake it off.  I was not diagnosed definitively until I was 43. 

Because of frequent illness,  before I knew I had either, I was brought inside to be an editor and "inside" reporter (translation:  call people up and interview them over the phone).  Don't say I could resume my career that way, because that is only one of the ways to cover a story,  "if all else fails;  the method of last resort.   The hours are not compatible with my conditions...it's not a standard 8 hour a day job.  If something big jumps off, I'm jumping in the car, and at times, that can mean staying with a story for 10 or 12 hours at a time.   Many times this happened to me, as when I was working,  I lived in large, 24/7 metropolitan areas.  Election night as a reporter usually doesn't end until 4 or 5 a.m there, as the morning drive anchors are coming in for their shifts.  This was an all-news format I worked at, so there was a constant need to  "feed the beast".  The station where I worked is no longer in business, a victim of the mega-mergers of the 1990's.

I lived my dream, but it is physically impossible for me to have that kind of job now. I have been off the air for 14 years, so any hopes of getting back on ...without a current audition tape...are slim and none.  Where I live now, back in my hometown, does not have the need for the kind of news operation I worked for.  The market is too small, and is TV driven, and with radios paired with the TV stations, they do all that in house, with the TV reporters supplying the information for radio.  Actually, there is very little local news on the city's heritage news radio station these days.  It's all syndicated talk.

I loved my career. I even used to play "reporter " when I was a kid, so I can truly say that I never worked a day in my life when I was doing what I loved.   I feel like a zombie without it.

I tried online dating once.  The person I was supposed to meet turned out to be a convicted rapist living at a halfway house. I did my own background checking, which is how I found out.  I confronted him (by phone), and got a half-baked "I was frramed" - type story.  I didn't take a chance with that, and I will never do online dating again.

I'm not even sure they have "meet-up" groups here.  This place is usually 15-20 years behind when it comes to trends.

I'm just calling it like it is.  I'm in a very bleak area, and I never intended to come back here to live. It's killing me!

By the way...the only treatment that would work for my lupus at the time  it was diagnosed was prednisone, and that helped to push my weight up over 400.  When I was working, I was in the 250's. I take a different, non-steroid medication for lupus now.

You have had a very exciting career, and I know for that type of career you have to be a pretty sharp cookie.  Good for you!! You have done something you really enjoy. But I have a feeling this show is not over for you Jazzy. You will find something else you enjoy doing.

And unfortunately you are right; location, location is very important. I lived in Atlanta for 12 years, and there were NO men that I was truly attracted to or good enough for me.  There mentality sucked, and the men that were available looked like little Wayne, and thought they were the cream of the crop.  Some would even say they were a high commodity. And the short somewhat lived romances I did have, they were completely looking for me to take care of them.

Girl I move to the DC area, what a difference, about a 60% difference.  I'm still single, but now I do go on REAL dates.  They may have their problems,(but who doesn’t), like not ready for a real commitment, impotence, momma boys…ha-ha, I didn't say they were perfect, but they are nice, respectful, girl so much better than the south.  They wine and dine me, and I do see a better possibility. I mean I see a light at the end of the tunnel. And I know its owed to the location...these men are much educated, better looking, and they do work....much better conversation.  Plus I am smaller...so that helps. The down side about me living in this area is keeping a job. I do owe it to the economy a little, but darn is it competitive in this location as well…and a different kind of wolves than the south.

Plus I have a much better social life since a moved; I just need to keep a job here. And perhaps the guy I do care about, maybe it will work out…who knows, only time will tell. But I see hope thank you Jesus.

So Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be…

Yours truly,

Sunshine -

I lived in DC in my 20's.  A childhood friend of mine moved there, at the urging of her son.  He told her point-blank that she was literally dying here.  She called me to find out about the "lay of the land" before she moved, and she met and married her husband there.  First time marriage at 50!   I stayed here only because my Mom fell ill, and I am planning to get out, even if only to a larger city within the state.  Unless I'm looking for an interracial relationship, church is not a viable place to find a mate.

Funny you say that about the men in the South. I lived in the South in my mid 20's.  Of course, that was a different time, but  with a couple exceptions, the men there seemed to be so much more gentlemanly than they were anywhere else I lived.

I've got two more months to survive holidays.  Christmas and New Year's are even tougher than Thanksgiving.  And then, my birthday.

Yes time has changed the men in the south, plus most of the people that live in the ATL are not from there.  I also think it has something to do with education, and how a man feels about himself, will depict how he treats you...perhaps that is a possibility.  Perhaps a real Southern man would be different, that is a possibility, with some education.

See you got something to look forward to, you plan on moving :-)

I went on meetup.com, and notice they have a large support group here in DC, that get together and have lunch and socialize.  I know it doesn't help, but perhaps when you move (where ever), they will have the same ther=.

http://www.meetup.com/Butterfly-Socials-DC-Metro-Meetup-for-ppl-with-Lupus/

Like anything, God have made us unique, therefore we all have to find our happiness.  I know a lot of women that have met their husband in the south, of course.  I know women here who can not meet anyone, but you and I notice you can.  Just like everything else, people have to find out what works for them.

Holidays are tough for a lot of people.  I was feeling low yesterday, but today is a new day...I'm getting out this house, and getting busy.  Yippy, I made thru the holiday blues ..lol.

Just my two cents.  You always make an effort to help and encourage people here.  You are a regular contributor and that makes you a friend to many people, some of whom you don't even know.  Your career goals are admirable and it doesn't matter how long it takes, once you have finished you will be contributing a valuable service to all of us .  You are a trailblazer in taking up this role and you are dealing with all of the hardships and setbacks of the process.  We all will benefit from your success and so we care if you are happy and if you make it.  We are all behind you.

Your vitamin deficiencies are likely contributing to your mood and once you get them straightened out, I am sure you will start to feel much better. It is really just a matter of perspective. If you ask 100 obese people, I would bet more than half would like to step into your "washed up" shoes, and experience the weight loss, physical relief, mobility, and improved opportunity that you now have. Not to mention the life experience and knowledge that you have gained over the last 4 years.

As for men, this is something that we have no control over.  If you haven't met any decent men for awhile then  in my opinion you are quite typical.  That is not a reflection on who you are or who you have become.  You are a work in progress and always improving.  Everyday is a new opportunity and we don't know who will be around the next corner.

II don't want to hear anyone saying anything bad about my friend Jazzy.  That includes you!

Take care of yourself, get your health straightened out, try a new therapist.  Investing in yourself is never a waste of money.  You are worth it!

Challie-

Thanks for your kind words.  I appreciate your taking the time to "talk me off the ledge",  so to speak.   I could be a lot worse off, maybe even dead from all the weight I was carrying.

It seems that good things in life seem to happen so effortlessly for other people.  I keep trying to tell myself that anything worth having or doing is worth a struggle. 

Funny Jazzy, ""talk me off the ledge""".

I also,think that motto have some truth to it.

I've been reading your posts for years now. We both know you're depressed, and given your vitamin issues, I'm sure there's a biochemical component to that.

But girl---you've got to WANT to be happy, and a lot of your posts over the past several months make me think you secretly don't want to be happy. It's like to deliberately inflate your expectations so that you CAN'T achieve whatever it is that will "make you happy".

I've got news for you---the only thing that can "make us happy" is decided we're going to BE happy. I've got what a lot of folks would consider a pretty sucky life---I'm REALLY poor, I live in an old, not-so-nice house, I don't get to see my friends often because I can't afford to travel, I have debilitating arthritis so lots of days I simply CAN'T do the things I need/want to do.

But---I get by. Somehow I manage to pay the bills (most of the time!), when health and money permit I'm slowly improving the house, I enjoy my friends on-line, and on the days that I "can't do"---I just accept that and lounge with my pups. And most of ALL, I've decided to be happy. It's like the Sheryl Crowe (I think?) song that says "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you have."

And Jazzy, you DO have a lot. More than those size 12 jeans, trust me.

Thank you.