New Life - Down 126 Pounds

Hard situation. As you know people die from EDs and you purposefully supersized your ED when you got a DS.  FEELING you won't get malnourished because you are eating at least once a day is like FEELING like you won't get a traffic ticket because you don't see the cop waiting over the hill.  Feelings aren't facts.  The fact is you are not eating enough.  If you want to stay alive and healthy keep your appointment. Go back into rehab and get another feeding tube.  Good luck with everything.

Ok I cannot reason with you over your weight as your internal dialog and ability to mitigate down anything I or anyone else says is in overdrive.  You are ruled by your behavior and it is utterly unsafe and maladaptive.  You won't have teeth and bones that hold you up next year.  You won't have a heart rate that is regular and capable of sustaining life and you won't have hair on your head.  You'll look like a little fuzzy money as you grow hair all over your body in response to the hormonal shift from utter starvation. You're going to die. That's it in a nut shell. You're going to kill yourself.  You know it on some level and we all reading this know it from an objective level.

You need to stop this. You must stop this. The only way you can stop this is to work with this therapist, NOT CONTROL AND MICROMANAGE WHAT YOU WILL AND WON'T ALLOW.  By not giving yourself over fully to recovery you simply will never recover and you will kill yourself within the year with the behavior you have now. 

It is one thing to have anorexia with a normal gut. It is beyond comprehension having anorexia with a DS.  You need to be a  residential unit. 

You know it and I know it.

I agree that I need to be in a residential situation for at least 60 days.  Unfortunately I can't afford it.

Micromanaging and trying to control the situation is something I never thought I was doing, but I can see, now that you pointed it out, that is exactly what I'm doing.  I can also see that if I don't stop it and be serious about my recovery and getting into remission I'll probably have another heart attack and die.

What drives me to do this I have no clue.  I'm hoping the therapist I see will be able to help me find that out.  I have decided that if I need to go more than once a week I will.  This is not going to be an overnight fix and I know that.

Thanks everyone for the advice and kind words.

Kelly

Kaffy,

I've been reading now for at least two years about both your substance abuse and your eating disorder.   I'm glad that you have resolved an unstable home issue by moving away, but frankly, actually VERY frankly, I'm terribly surprised that you were discharged with such extreme psychiatric issues.     Were you candid with your therapeutic team about your ongoing desire to lose even MORE weight?   They were implementing some pretty extreme interventions, and then now they've just cut you loose?   Do they know you are eating as little as you are?   Many of us have tried to gently, and not so gently, encourage you to seek help, and you seem incapable of doing so.   You are going to die of malnutrition, and it is NOT a pretty death.    I can only be sympathetic to someone with issues such as yours  when that person seems to be putting forth an effort to make positive changes.    I fear that you are hell bent on destroying yourself.   My hope is that now you that have some control over your living situation and are away from what sounds like an incredibly toxic, dysfunctional and enabling home life, that you will now be able to move forward and get over this.   Good luck to you.

Yes, they knew about all my psychiatric diagnoses.  They told me the unit I was on was only for getting someone back to health.  They wanted me to do 60 days in a residential program but my insurance wouldn't cover it.  So they sent me home when my labs were acceptable.  I did not tell them I was going back to losing weight when I got home, but I think they knew it from the things I said.

I do have an ED therapist, a pdoc, and and AODA counselor.  I'll be seeing the AODA counselor and therapist once a week.  I'm also going to a nutritionist.

I do eat something every day now.  I feel guilty about doing so, but I really don't want to be back in the hospital with a tube up my nose.

Today I ate 1/2 cup Greek yogurt, four strawberries, and an apple.  That's more than enough and way more than I was eating before.

The thing is part of me wants to get better, but a much bigger part wants to run screaming away from any treatment.  That seems overwhelming to me.

 You have to get a handle on yourself sweetie or you are going to die I had a friend that died from an eating disorder when I was a teen and it is not a pretty way to die and it is even worse when you see that person all the time go from bad to worse Zandra was only 14 year old when she died but no matter how young or old you are it is not good you have to do something about this now or you will probably not last another year. Best of luck to you.

1/2 cup of yoghurt, 4 strawberries, and an apple isn't even a good SNACK. Here's the breakdown:

Food Name	Amount	Unit	Cals	Fat (g)	Carbs (g)	Prot (g)	Delete
		Total	198	1.7	42.9	5.5
Yogurt			121	1.4	22.8	4.9
Strawberries, raw			15	0.1	3.7	0.3
Apples, raw, without skin			61	0.2	16.3	0.3
		Total	198	1.7	42.9	5.5

Do you not SEE how badly you're mistreating yourself? 5 and a half grams of protein for a WHOLE DAY? At this rate, I expect your heart to give out about the time you finish reading this post.

I'm done.

 I know how you must be feeling I had to cut my mother from my life for almost the same reasons I have a little family of my own and could not keep giving her money for things she didn't need and take care of her and her boyfriend as well. I myself have never done drugs but I have dealt with it all my life and it is no good and I am very glad you got yourself away from the situation. The material things can be replaced even though I know the baby books can not. You just keep doing what you need to do to succeed in life and congrats on the 126 lbs down that really is great. If you even need someone to listen feel free to msg me anytime. 

 Congratulations for taking control of your life. Now you can get on with it. WTG!