Attempting to write a book . Not very good yet but it's a start. This is a fraction of my story

I am trying to write a book about why I became overweight and the downhill spiral that made me the person i am today and trying to pick myself up off the ground and make my mess of life better. I am thinking of calling it confessions of a fat kid and how she took back her life. Maybe confessions of a fat girl and how she changed her life. I haven't decided. The story sucks so far. I wrote it on wordpad. I don't miscrosoft word. To spell check and everything but I still wanted to share. Critismn is expected and encouraged. I am doing this to help myself as well as others.


As long as I can remember I have been fat. As a baby I was told I weighed 8 and a half lbs or around there. Now you might not think that is big for a baby. For me, I think having a 8 and a half pounder coming out of my vagina sounds very painful. An 8 and a half lb baby sounds huge to me. Adolescent years came easy. I had everything that a child could ever want. Barbie Dolls, Movies, A mother and father who loved me unconditionally, a family who loved me unconditionally. On top of that I was adopted so I had another family (minus the loving mother and father they would go on to be in and out of jail for what seems like ever.) to love me unconditionally. That would all change on September 6th of 2004 but that is for another page. Right now this very instance is for me to tell you about what it was like for Alicia Nichole England to grow up.

Now you may think growing up in a "redneck" little town like good ole Rhea County, Tennesse when you are black, you were adopted by well known white people, and your brother and real mother are well known would be easy. Hahaha you definitely thought WRONG. First of all my adopted parents well for privacy reasons we will just call them Mom and Dad. Easy enough to remember right? I sure hope so. Okay so mom and dad are what is considered upper middle class. ( that would go on to prove totally different later on in the story.) Dad, a nuclear inspector for a nuclear plant such as TVA. You're thinking he must be smart, have a college degree, the works right? Well my father as much as we drive each other up the wall sometimes, is probably the smartest man I know besides Albert Eienstine, of course I did not know him personally and Dad doesn't have the crazy white hair and mad scienist look. No, he is just a regular old guy that happened to be extremely smart and get a good job.

Okay so now it's Mom's turn to be talked about. Oh Lord. My mother, what in the hell can I say about my mother? Where do I start? If I start from the beginning and tell you everything this story would bascially be a book about me and mom's fights and how eventually everything turned to **** Well mom grew in a little town called Crossville, Tennessee. She has a three sisters for privacy reasons we will call them Auntie 1, Auntie 2, Auntie 3. So my mom is the oldest of four children. My grandparents were never blessed with a boy so they have no brothers. No just four blondes, four beautiful blondes. They are all gorgeous in their own special way. Mom is the oldest as I said earlier. Just turned 56 she had diabetes and didn't know she lost her eyesight and a hell of a lot of weight as well. When she does herself up she is beautiful. She might be wrinkly and chubby but considering what Mom went through for the past 5 to 10 years dealing with me and all my **** she wears her battle scars proudly. Auntie 1is pretty as well. Long blonde hair, she is tall, successful and she's incredibly smart. Auntie 2 she is nice but I think she is too conservative. She is a lawyer... Enough said. Lastly the youngest and my favorite one of all Auntie 3. Now you might not think that overweight people can be pretty but if you took one look at Auntie 3 you would think differently. She is really pretty. Her hair is gorgeous. She has the greatest personality ever. She is the ONLY one I could ( yes I said COULD) talk to about anything. That will all change we will get to that later.

My brother, Joey England. Rhea County High School football player. Everyone loved him. He was a great guy, he was cool to hang around, he was just a good person and a great football player. HAHAHA if you only knew my brother and what he did later in life. RCHS would have thought I was the normal one. My real mom... I will just say she is... different. She has her own views on things. She means well I think she really does but the mother-daughter relationship

I didn't mention my mom's parents. Nana and Pawpaw. September 6, 2004 was probably the hardest day of my life. You will find out why in about 5 minutes or less. I was pawpaw's little princess. I adored my nana and she thought I was something else. Pawpaw was a truck driver for Averitt. Nana worked at the Credit Union. Apparently these are my mom's words not mine pawpaw used to take me to the truck stop when I was little and "let me dance" that's how mom puts it. Well anyway fast forward to 2004 the year my world slowly started falling apart. Nana got cancer. This is why I resent James even though he NEVER knew Nana. I will probably hold a slither of despise for him until the day I die. As I was saying Nana got cancer. Not your run of the mill breast cancer that so many people are surviving from. Not even lung cancer. Thank God not brain cancer. Regardless it was still cancer. I don't remember what it started out as but I remember my aunt wanted to donate her (liver maybe?) to my nana. The doctors told her she couldn't because the cancer didn't start out there. That's right the cancer spread. They though they got it in remission if I remember correctly and it came back nastier than before. That's the ****ty thing about cancer. It is the worst thing besides being fat you could have happen to you. You get better, get healthy again, think you have finally have gotten out of it's nasty grasp. You might even think you narrowly escaped death. Until BAM it hits again like a tidal wave. You go to the doctor one day when you think it might all be gone and he tells you it's back. It's back. Like that pesty monthly visitor all women have. Except when the week is over. It doesn't go away. It doesn't happen only once a month. You live with it, you try and try and try to get better. Until you either find a miracle and do get better or you wither away into nothingness until death takes you by the hand and pulls you out of your misery. For some reason God let my nana suffer. He also let her live a happy life, have four great daughters, and a husband who adored her. Oh and a granddaughter and later on a grandson who she loved to death. I remember that awful day on September 6, 2004. It is like a day I will never forget. The first no second time I saw my dad cry. The first was when his dad died. I remember seeing him with tears in his eyes. I don't even remember seeing him cry at his mother's funeral but of course my sick and twisted self was all about getting money to get gas to go get my phone fixed. Later on the girl who took me to get my phone fixed would get me in a ton of trouble and my problem with the dirtiest thing around would start. That's right drugs. Okay sorry getting off topic. Yes, September 6, 2004. All I remember maybe it's all I choose to remember maybe I was really just too young to remember it all. Anyway, we came back from a "family outing" I will call it. I remember I was so freakin happy because mom finally gave in and bought me an Eminem cd. I was 12 and I thought Eminem was the coolest thing since sliced bread. That is until I found Avenged Sevenfold. Anyway, we came back and we were walking up to the door. This is the part I have trouble remembering because this is where my world slowly started crashing down around me. Auntie 2 came out and told us we needed to come inside. Well inside lay my nana in her little hospital type bed in the living room dying. Pawpaw big, strong, he could probably knock you out with one slap pawpaw was weeping over his dying wife. When I say weeping I mean it was awful it was so sad. As I am writing I can still see that image in my head. Maybe I didn't write it exactly like it happened but damn if I don't remember it. I remember seeing my nana dying. I ran into the room where I had spent so many days, so many years with nana. I sat down on the couch and listened to my new cd. I remember I listened to Who I am by Eminem probably 20 times or more before my dad came to get me. I know I cried. I know I cried but I don't remember when I cried. In my head I thought someone came to get me and my dad embraced me and I cried to him. In reality that probably didn't happen quite like that. As I said before it was the second time I saw my dad cry. He was standing with Auntie 1 when I came out the door to leave. September 6, 2004 I hate that day, I hate thinking about it, I hate everything about that day. I have been angry for so long over that day but writing it out and attempting to tell my story really is helping. September 6, 2004 for me was Septemeber 11, 2001 for America. That day that awful awful day 8 years ago I lost a part of me. Oh I remember saying I resent my real father and I always will. Well it's because that sorry excuse for a man has drank like a fish for years. After all he is an alcoholic but my nana, the woman who helped my parents raise me, someone I considered as an authority figure and a friend died because she had cancer and it spread to her liver. He is still drinking, still living, still having a grand ole time while my nana suffered for months with cancer before she died. I am not going to lie I hated God for awhile too. I think I am still a tad bit hurt that He took my nana from me but thankfully because of that amazing day on 3-20-12, a pastor named Brother Paul *******s, and a little ole country church called Plesant Dale Baptist Church. I will be seeing my nana again in a place where there will be NO sadness, NO pain, just happiness.

Alright so now you know the day my world came crashing down slowly but steadily. Let me tell you why. It all started when I got into high school. Alicia England sweet girl (or so people thought) was against drugs, sex, and all things "evil" started to become out of control, slowly and brought a lot of people down with her well attempted too. I went from never doing drugs, never doing anything. I didn't even lose my virginity until I was 18 by choice or because I am a fat ass I don't really know. Okay RCHS... HIGH SCHOOL woohoo every kid dreams of the day they can enter high school and start over. Oh wait I did experiment with drugs one time back in 8th grade. I mixed three pills and took them at school another BIG MISTAKE. Anyway, 9th grade year. Scared little freshman trying to find my way. I was like a fish out of water and not in a good way. Can that really be taken as a good way? Mr. Wilkey's class freshman year. My best friend/ cousin had brought muscle relaxers to school. She gave them to me and two other girls. I took mine didn't really do **** Or so I thought. Of course I got CAUGHT because someone snitched. We thought we knew who it was threatened to beat the **** out of them but we could never prove who it was and we was already in a big ole bag of crap waist deep. If we would have kept talking we would have dug ourself so far down in the ****hole it would have taken the Jaws Of Life to get us out. Remember Joey? My brother? Football playing awesome guy? Yeah try getting in trouble for drugs at school when your brother seems to be the most straight edge guy in school. Mr. JUST SAY NO sis just say no! So my bouts (is that the right word) with alternative school began. Alternative school for the rest of freshman year and part of sophmore year. Spent most of sophmore year actually in high school. Broke into dad's house, he pressed charges, got locked up in an a awful place called Oak Plains Academy (OPA.) met the girl (yes the girl) I thought I'd be with forever. She made realize I am not gay and she made me resent relationships. Another story you will be hearing about later on. Senior year back at school. For three days. Girl supposedly called someone a ****** I got mad and took matters into my own hands. Yes I hit her. Stupid mistake. Everyone claims I got my ass beat. My best friend told me that I didn't. I didn't think I did either but it was confirmed that she hit me when I was turned around. I give her props for hitting me back. At least she wasn't a complete waste of a fight.

Well I went to Alternative school in August. Turned 18 in October. Dropped out of high school in November. Mom let me because she was tired of *****ing at me to get up for school just to be cussed at. I did not completely drop out of school. I am a smart kid. I got my diploma by doing a homeschool program called Continental Academy. I even attempted to go to college. Boyfriend well should I say EX-boyfriend got in the way of that. Well you can hear more about him or the lack of him later. Right now this is about me and how I went from Alicia England girl who had everything she could have ever wanted to Alicia (aka Ali) England girl who acted like a total ***** because she lost all sense of self respect. Now I am hoping to be Alicia England former fat kid former loser former worthless piece of crap who was told she'd never be anything in life never change. Alicia the girl who took back her life and everything she lost. Yes I hope to be that girl. Maybe writing this will help me.

If youre wondering how I could go from having a family who loved me. To a family who isn't even around. Well it started with pills. They say marjuana is the gateway drug. Total bull**** I started with popping pills then went to smoking weed, then went to snorting coke, then went smoking weed and popping pills until finally I met some people and stayed high for a good two weeks before I crashed so hard the world around me literally fell apart in a matter of 2 weeks. Nothing was ever the same in a matter of four days. I guess that is what I get for wanting attention from someone anyone so much. Longing to be cared about for a milisecond. Wanting Mr. Right Now because I had lost who I thought and probably could have been my Mr. Right. Grasping at everything trying to find a sense of self worth just to fell like **** when it was all over. Yes I invited a methhead into my house because he had no place to stay. He had his daughter with him. I felt bad for him and let him come stay. He trashed my house. Totally used for me for sex and a place to stay. I got kicked out of my house because of him luckily mom let me come back. I lost my family and everything because I wanted to feel like someone wanted me even though they didn't. Back up about a month. Maryville, Tennesse the place I discovered it is fun to get high all the time but it isn't fun coming down. What goes up must come down right? You have to crash sometime. Coming down is a ***** When I come down it is like that ***** is doing everything in her power to make me want more. It is like an unattractive guy hooked on a beautiful girl and he will do anything pay anything to get what he needs which is her for one more night. Yes drugs and me had that relationship when I was up in Maryville. None of my friends knew how bad it was they thought oh she is just lying she always says she gets high when she really doesn't. My family on the otherhand knew the extent of my problem and saw it was only getting worse. All I would do was go up there get high, party and have a good ole time, come down, cry to my dad saying I was lost didn't know where I was or what I was doing, he would give me gas money or buy me gas to get home, and I would run back up to Maryville to do it all over again. That lasted a good month. I do miss the hell out of them but they only wanted me to be high and miserable with them. They didn't care what happened to me. I have tried a lot. I haven't tried meth. Hearing what is in that stuff freaks me out and makes me scared to do it. I'm sure if I would have stayed around them it was a matter of a time before I would have been hooked on every drug possibly. Thankfully I got away just in time.

Alright now that you know about that let's talk about how I got to the whopping 337 lbs I am today. As I told you when my nana died **** hit the fan. I stopped giving a rat's ass about myself or anyone around me. Started cutting myself. Starting binge eating. I don't think I ever had an eating disorder per se but maybe in reality I really did and do have a problem with food. Everytime I am suppose to start trying to "cut back" I will eat and eat and eat. I will so much because I feel like I need to get in I guess "the last supper." The last time I will be able to eat fast food, the last time I will be able to have sugary drinks, the last time I can have chocolate. I don't know what it is but I always do that. It is time to stop that and I am trying my damnedest to it. Well it might be suprising and hard to believe but I acutally lost over 50 lbs. Remember OPA? Yeah well it wasn't that bad in the sense of I was able to lose weight and actually find my happy place even if it was just for a short time. The girl I was telling you about that I fell in love with. Yeah she ripped my heart to shreds but at least I felt what love was or so I thought I did. I really don't even like girls. Never was attracted to them. Women annoy me me but for some reason I was attracted to her. Something about her drew me to her. Turned she was crazy. Turned out she was 14! Turned out that I was with her for over a year. Turns out she cheated on me. We tried talking again but I couldn't get over my resentment of what she did so we no longer speak. Anyway I haven't been able to have a relationship because of what happened with her. I thought was the reason. The real reason is because I am so fat and disgusting nobody likes me anymore. I used to make fun of MO people. Yeah I weighed around 230 or more but I didn't think I was MO because I was in the 2s then I became an adult and started wanting a boyfriend and everything. You know raging hormones that kind of thing. Well sadly when I met my first real boyfriend I was 342 lbs... Yes the girl who sat there and made of fat people even when she was one of them because the fat person everyone made fun of. I never realized how bad that **** really hurts. Maybe I am just paranoid but I went to West Town Mall 8-25-12 and I was walking around. You know how there are all those carts in the mall asking if you want free samples or a demostration. Yeah well used I had them asking me stuff like oh do you want to try this, do you want this, do you that blah blah blah. Okay so yesterday I am walking in the mall. I walk into a store ask where the bathroom is they told me. I walked past one of the makeup counters. Not one person tried to talk to me. Usually they are all about trying to sell you something. So I left and went back out into the mall. I remember walking the chinese people who do massages in those chairs out in the mall. Well I walked right by them, looked right out the guy, I KNOW he saw me. I know this because I looked at him and smiled he saw turned around real quick I'm assuming so he wouldn't have to talk to me, walked over to the far left and asked this lady something like if she wanted a massage. Okay that pissed me off a little because I was just right there walking by and you totally acted like I was the plague? That is ridculous. I guess karma really is a *****

I was at Mcdonald's on 8-25-12 with my best friend for privacy reasons we will call her Annie. I chose Annie because have you seen that little movie about the orphan. She has red hair. My best friend has the most beautiful red hair you will ever see. It is a gorgeous color. You could spend hundreds of dollars trying to get your hair to come out that color and it would still be nowhere near as pretty as her hair. So anyway me and Annie were at Mcdonald's. She went to find us a table and I went to buy drinks. What in the hell are the odds that a fat girl would be in Mcdonald's? Well these guys sure as hell acted like they had never seen a fat person before. They had been laughing and cutting up and everything. Once again I may just be paranoid but as soon as I walked over to the drink machine they stopped talking. They went from cutting and laughing to it sounded like there was nobody behind me. I heard one of the guys say something about he would say "hey girl" they laughed then it got silent again. I walked away and they started cutting up and laughing again. I told Annie about it and she said I wonder if I went over there if they'd do that. I said I don't think so she said I don't think so either. That hurt a little knowing that I am looked at differently and not as a person because of my weight. I had never noticed how people look at and treat fat people until I had gotten so big to the point where it is hard for me to lose weight. It sucks going to try on clothes and not be able to wear anything. It sucks thinking oh I look great tonight then going out with friends just to notice you aren't as gorgeous as they are. It SUCKS BEING INSECURE because someone has dogged you on your weight. Luckily there is an option for me. I got on obesityhelp.com I had been thinking about weight loss surgery for awhile but I never realized there were so many options and so many people going through the same thing as me. Being overweight, MO, SMO you have to know you are NOT ALONE. There are people just like struggling everyday with not being able to lose weight. Some old, some young, some choosing WLS, some doing it the old fashion way. There are SO many options for us "fat people." I mean I realize not everyone has access to all those options. There are a lot of factors to it. For me personality the biggest one is and was money. I don't the money or the family right now to help me out like I used too. I am limited right now. Luckily like I was saying I came across oh.com I saw a surgeon named Dr. Boyce. I made an appointment with him and had my first appointment with him not too long ago. It is so refreshing knowing there are people out there who do want to help "fat people" who do realize that it isn't ALWAYS our fault that we can't lose the weight and sometimes it isn't even our fault for gaining all the weight. Yes I realize that a lot of us overate and got big. You also have to realize as a skinny person or someone who isn't a "fat person" that we did overeat and get fat but honestly for me I didn't see that I was this big before it was too late. I used to weigh myself all the time. It seems like when I got up toward 300 lbs I stopped weighing myself all together except at the doctor's office because I was afraid of what I would see.