Off topic: seeking advice

I need some advice. One of my colleagues is currently sitting with her twin sister on death watch. I want to help in somehow, but am not sure what to do. I've never been in this situation before. Let me tell you the back story.

Rikki is a 53 year old vibrant and energetic woman. She went in for a routine colonoscopy and-long story short- has just been released from the hospital to go home and die.

For a solid 6 months after her colonoscopy she had increasingly awful trouble producing BMs. It got to the point where daily enemas and prescription medications failed to produce stools. She got to the point where she couldn't eat, and got very weak. She relied on her twin sister to remove her impactions regularly.

She was in and out of the hospital, but nothing ever helped. She ended up with a bed sore, infected with MRSA in her belly, and reliant on fentanyl patches for relief. She is completely bed-ridden, just had corrective surgery to "fill in" the hole left from her bed sore, and still can't have BMs.

Her twin, my colleague, has taken off the rest of the week, preparing for her death. She decided herself to omit all pain medications, anti-biotics, and any further life-sustaining treatments. She does not want hospice, either.

My colleague has been her sisters primary care giver for well over a year due to her health problems.

My question is this- what can I do for these sisters? I want to do whatever will be helpful, but don't want to offend anyone. Is it rude to show up with a deli tray and flowers? Or is that more appropriate for after the funeral? I know that someone has to have some wisdom in these types of matters. I thank you for your help.

I have never been in such a sad situation - how stressful it must be for your colleague.  I would imagine that a brief visit with some sustaining food would be GREATLY appreciated.   Also, perhaps an offer to stay with the ill sister so that the surviving sibling might take a break - go home to check mail, get a haircut, whatever - would also be a very kind one.   Best wishes to you.

Very practical ideas, thank you.

I would think a call asking if you can do anything or bring anything would be more appropriate. What a sad situation!

BTW What could they have done in a routine colonoscopy that they couldnt try to fix rather than just tell someone to go home & die??

My colleague thinks that some nerve was damaged accidentally during the procedure. Ironically, the twin worked for the hospital for twenty years before this happened. Her own coworkers injured her.

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate you.

Thank you, ****hink I will call her daughter and see what food she likes and take her a care basket.

Having been in that situation many times with Family members (Grandmother, Mother, Uncle, Aunt) who all chose to die at home, I can say, your co-worker is a lucky woman to have someone caring about her as you do.

Everyone is different, while some families want people around, others don't. (Ours treasured the sharing times and remember back now with fondness all the stories and closeness that transpired). The fact that the sister doesn't want Hospice speaks volumes. Offer to drop by and see how one visit goes, if it's awkward for them. I would call the Twin to let her know you are available to talk, run errands, do whatever she might need. Sometimes just making yourself available (even by phone) is enough, reach out to your friend so she has another connection outside the home.

Your caring ways come through, even in your posts. My hope is that your friend feels that support, now and "after". My sister and I used to treat each other to "mani/pedi" dates when things were rough (especially after). Those dates felt like a DEEP SIGH, letting all the stress and feelings leave the body.

Hugs,
S~

Definitely bring food. The caregiver is probably neglecting herself at the moment. When you are in the kitchen helping to put it away look around. If the dishes need doing, do them. Take out the trash. Offer to do the laundry. Is the refrigerator empty? Go shopping yourself and return with staples.

Many people offer sincere if vague offers of help. Rarely does the person in need make a suggestion. I have found that it is better to glance around casually and just DO what needs doing.

When my father died, a friend stopped by and dropped off a full spread from Boston Market. It was so appreciated because we had barely eaten, hadn't even thought of it. She ate with us, packed away the leftovers, and did the dishes while making us coffee. Then she took out the tra**** was just what we needed, but we never would have asked for it.

My heart goes out to your friend and her sister.

 My advice is this:

Call and let her know exactly WHAT you would like to do, and ask when a good time to do it is. People are much more likely to accept help in this fashion. 

When people offer generic help, such as calling and saying "is there anything I can do" or "Let me know if I can do anything", it's not really helpful at all. We are trained to say "no, I'm fine", or "thank you, but I can handle it"  (or something along those lines) instead of telling the truth. 

If she absolutely refuses after you go through this, then still stay present through cards, emails, phone calls, texts or whatever method possible. I don't mean be an annoyance, I mean just let her know on a regular basis (whether it be weekly or a couple of times a week) that you are thinking about them and the struggles they are facing.