Did anyone else have this pre-surgical fear?

I can't wait for my DS, my new body, my improved health. That being said, I looked in the mirror this morning and felt like greiving for the current/old/fat me that is the only one I've ever known. I was 160 in 6th grade, 180 at 15 and began the climb to 300+ from/since then. Even when I got married I was 232. Long story short, I've never known a thin me. I've never known a me without at least 2 chins. I've hated it, but never known any different.
Who will I be? Where will the funny, generous, and nurturing me go?
Will my friends treat me differently? It's ironic I hated myself/my body so long and just when I learned to love myself (probobly enough to have the DS) I feel like I'm loosing myself.
I hope someone understands this fear and can give me some insight. I'm only 10 days away from surgery and this is my only mental block right now. But it's causing me alot of tears.

All you can do is be prepared for the ride. I went to a therapist before and after my ds just in case. She told me to picture myself thin. ??? I couldn't . I absolutely could not even fathom what I would look like as a thin person.

Sounds like you understand the roller coaster you signed up for. You may lose some friends. You though will be the same you, just might be more outgoing or like to go out more. People will treat you differently, some for the better.

The best will be that you will hopefully, discover you love yourself and are proud of your body.

Just buckle up!

I was also really overweight as a kid.  By the time I was 17 I was 237 and then by 19 I was 260 .  Then, when I was 20 I lost all of my weight.  As a thin person (I weighed about 120) I was happy, I exersized with out fear of being watched or staired at, I was just as outgoing as before but I found a new confidence in being just me--not chuuby Sheri with the "pretty face" and not insecure Sheri that wondered if any fat rolls were sticking out.  I was really secure with myself and I found that I didn't lose any friends.  However, I found that people were more forthright with me--they would say, "Wow you look great.  You were a real cow before!"  Can you imagine?  It was pretty awful to hear how people actually viewed me before and then the fact that they'd actually SHARE it with me was appauling.  I kept my weight off from 20 to 29--staying between 120 and 145 and I looked great at the high end or the low end.  Then I had my first baby and just couldn't get the weight off because I was too insulin resistant.  My metabolism just wasn't working anymore.  From 30 until now (I'll be 37 in about 3 weeks) I have been pretty heavy (Up to about 255).  It's funny because the new overweight me is different from the first one.  I'm more confident now and I just dont' worry about what people think of me anymore.  I live my life pretty much like I did when I was skinny.  I think being skinny changed me in a profound way.  I learned who I was--I figured out that I was more than the body and that I could overcome those horrible thoughts that once plagued me. 

I'm set for the DS in 9 days (just before you!!!).  I feel ready for the physical changes to come because I already know who I am.  And as you lose the weight, you'll find out who you are and I'm CERTAIN you'll love yourself.  You'll find out that you won't be that different at all but that you'll see the world a little differently.  And it'll be fine.

Good luck to you!!!
Sheri

Ill be writing my response from 2 points of view: (1) Im scheduled to have my RNY-DS revision in February....and (2) what I can remember feeling when I had my original RNY back in 2000.

I totally know what you mean by excitement mixed with a little fear....well, maybe uncertainty would be a better word.  I was always the fat kid growing up, who developed into the fat teenager, and then morphed once again into an even fatter adult.  Thats a LOT of years wrapped up into an identity, so its only natural to have very strong feelings surrounding the uncertainty of an identity you are going to receive that you know nothing about.  Its like getting a new machine, yet no one really has a concrete instruction manual to go with it.  We (surgeons and of course ourselves) have a general idea, but its one of those things that we are never going to really know until we are neck deep in the middle of it.  We are always taught to never judge a book by the cover, but lets be honest in saying that society DOES. 

The best piece of advice I can give to you is to get yourself hooked up with either a really good support group or therapist as part of your aftercare.  Obesity is a multi-pronged state of being with lots of physical, mental, and emotional components.  The surgery takes care of the physical, but caring for the mental and emotional is equally as important.  Id argue that they were maybe even more important to take care of, but thats just my personal opinion.  I know that after I had my RNY, I went through a huge range of emotions and feelings surrounding the changes going on with my body.  I did lose some "friends" along the way, but in looking back...I dont think that they were my true friends from the very start, but associated with me for their own personal reasons that I wasnt able to understand.  Heck, reasons I still dont understand even after all this time.  I also started to resent the way people were treating me as a "skinnier" person, which was so different from the way I was treated as a fat person.  It pissed me off because I knew that I was the same person on the inside that I always was, yet no one seemed to want to give me the time of day until I had lost weight and I guess became "acceptable."

Its only weight you will lose.  All the wonderful things that make you the person you really are are going to be right there.  You will still be as funny, nurturing, and generous as you always were...because thats who you are.  That comes from a place inside of you that surgery will not really ever touch.  Allow yourself to explore all your emotions and feelings.  Process them, cherish them, and maybe even allow yourself to grieve a little bit for what will be gone.  But just know...believe in your heart...that you are going to come out on the other side just fine.  You are giving yourself a wonderful gift, but you arent going to have to trade in all of the great things about you that make you who you really are.

This was a question i wanted to ask in the beginning of my journey but i wasnt sure how to say it without sounding conceded!

Ive never really had body image issues and ive always been confident. I always figure if you didnt like my fat well then take yourself elsewhere! Ive always been a BIG girl, i was 265 at 15, 315 at 21 (5ft 7) and from a BIG family, im the 4th person in my very small family to have WLS and theres 3 more that need it but arent there yet.

I have a BIG butt...its almost as round as im tall!! HEHE It has its own name, the booty ninja, and is loved by all:) Everyone knows when im out i will be flaunting my TNA.

So yes i know ALL about feeling like your going to lose you identity. Skinny *****es to me are a dime a dozen so without my TNA  what will i have? Well i will still be me and i have a huge personality and i highly doubt losing half myself will change that...it will probably make it worse!! :)

And of course there has to be therapy or counseling to deal with all of this. You have to embrace all that the DS will give you and you will have to trade your fat girl yoga pants for skinny ***** jeans:) For me its done with and theres no choice but to move forward and i cant wait for the skinny ***** jeans!!! 

 Yes, I have had this thought too. I am used to a pillowy feel to my body. I am used to my arms resting on my belly and rolls at pretty much all times, and my butt cushioning me from hard chairs. It will be strange and unfamiliar to be able to feel bones and muscles under my skin, and to have pointy elbows and knees, a wattle under my chin instead of no neck...
I know there will be some grieving involved.

I saw this coming before I even before my surgeon sent in my request to the insurance. I arranged to see a therapist bi-weekly, and then weekly, as my anxiety over being approved reached its peak. I know we will be exploring issues of body image, and my identity when they come up, and I know they will come up.

All I can suggest is to know that these feelings are completely normal, and go with the territory, In order to gain thin-ness, you have to release the fat-ness from your world. It doesn't happen in a day. I hope to be able to keep pace with my rapid weight loss, with the help of counselling, and change my outward self-image as I go.

As far as picturing yourself thin goes, try cutting out a body you like from a magazine; and then find a photo of your face that is about the right size, and stick them together. I am fortunate in that I am an artist, and I used the cutout as a model and drew a finished picture to refer to. Having that visualization has made all the difference. You can see what I drew in my pictures.

With all of that said, however, it might be a great exercise to make a list of all of the qualities about yourself that will NOT be affected by a change in your outward appearance.Qualities like loyalty, a sense of humor, etc.  You could write the words big with a marker, and copy it and post it around the house with copies of your skinny body and face. I have done that, and I let them be reminders to reflect on what I am, and am not changing about myself by doing this. It helps to keep me oriented to what I am (and am not) doing.

Lisa

I can only speak from my experience.  I was fat since I was 10 years old and never, ever remembered a thin me.  I always believed my fatness didn't define me and that I didn't change at all but during the journey my friends said I did change -- I appeared happier. I always thought I was a pretty happy person but I had to finally agree with them - I always insisted I didn't change. Of course I was happier, I wasn't carrying around 175 extra pounds.

Yes, some of my friends did change toward me. Someone I considered a very close friend wanted nothing to do with me 6 months after surgery - I had heard she was "sick and tired of hearing about my weight loss". We unfortunately stopped being friends and have only recently reconnected.

It probably took me at least 8-10 months to see the new me - literally looking in the mirror I always saw the fat me. Then literally one day I saw a picture of me at a wedding and I didn't recognize myself. It was an epiphany for me.

My DS was almost 9 years ago. Last night I sat around the thanksgiving table with family and friends. All knew me before my DS but it was me sitting at that table. My fatness never defined me and my thinness doesn't either. 

Now when I look back at my old self I don't even remember her - and honestly I don't miss her at all.

Thank you all for encouragement. I know I do have a support system in place as well as my therapist. I also know that I have "friends" who will give me a hard time when they see the weight dropping. Mostly because I haven't told many people at all. But, I know some have talked behind my back about me being fat and their "answers". So, I just don't want to give them the satisfaction of commenting on my solution either. I imagine some will be angry that I didn't consult/or tell them, but, they will probobly be the same ones who talked behind my back.
I have to trust though. This path opened up for me out of the blue and things have been going just the way they should right on time, and approved.
Spirit is guiding me and for once, I'm going to listen!

 I know exactly what you mean about things going just the way they should, all right on time. I feel that Spirit is guiding me, as well. Maybe that is why I have not been nervous at all, so far.

Here's to both of our continued peace of mind!
Lisa

 You're not alone.  The mental side of massive weight loss was a major issue for me. In fact, in some ways it still is.

Be prepared that you mgiht not recognize the person in the mirror.  You may have body dysmorphia and still see yourself as obese when you're not.  You may become addicted to the attention.  There are lots of "you may's".

Your relationships will most likely change.  People wont know how to react to the new you at first.  My therapist said that those most affected are your relationships with overweight friends and overweight same sex siblings.  That proved very true for me.

I've been at my goal weight for almost a year now, so most people know me as I am now.  But in my head I still identify with obese people much better.  It annoys me to no end when I overhear a conversation with someone making fun of, or criticizing someone who is overweight.  I met a guy last night who was a manager for a factory and was complaining about the number of size 3X T-shirts he had to buy for the company picnic, and listened as he called his employees fat, lazy, sweaty slobs.  

My best advice is to get some therapy if you can, and be prepared that you will face at least some of these things.