Dream over.

For those of you who have been interested in reading about my pursuit of an RD in Bariatric Nutrition, that dream ins now officially over.

I will not pass my second trip through Anatomy & Physiology, and at this point, there's nothing I can do about it.  It's a required class, and I cannot take it again at the school I'm currently attending. I've got A's  in nutrition  and fitness and a B in Biology

It was a nice dream, and I think a worthwhile effort, but it's apparently just not for me.

I'm not sure what else I can do to get off disability, since most of what they offer involves physical labor, which my lupus and fibromyalgia ridden body can't withstand.  I had my first major flare this semester, and Disability Services at the school I attend are a joke.   

So I don't weigh 405 pounds anymore.  What does that really mean if I can't get back to a normal, or at least near normal life? 

Lately, I'm  praying to die in my sleep.  Counseling here is a joke, too.  No one can possibly understand what I'm going through, because they don't have any patients  like me.  I don't have an eating disorder, and that's exactly what someone had the nerve to suggest to me, someone who deals with bulemics and anorexics.

What good did it really do for me to lose 200+ pounds, and not be able to get back into life?  That was the whole point of the surgery.

Accomplishment?  Not if I can't use it as a tool to improve my life.  All it means is that I wear a smaller size.

I'm very upset, and extremely depressed about this.  I feel just about as worthless as I felt when I weighed 405 pounds.  At least there was a valid reason I couldn't accomplish anythng.

Maybe I'm just too stupid to learn anything new.

I know there are some on this board who will feel absolute glee at this posting. 

Glad I was able to give you your daily dose.

I am sorry you are feeling so depressed. I think you should get on some anti depressants until this clears. You can't go on like this, wanting to die. Get some help in the pill form. You'll find something to do. You are NOT stupid. This is but a moment of your life that happens to suck right now. It will not be like this forever.

edited to add:

Already on Cymbalta for the fibromyalgia pain.  It came out as an anti-depressant, but my doctor, who is smart as a whip, prescribed it for the pain, saying that it works with noreprinephrine and serotonin in the same way for pain.

My life has been sucking canal water for the past 13 years.  If anyone remembers the Flintstones cartoon, there was this spooky little character, a neighbor of Fred's, who walked around with a little black-clouded thunderstorm over his head all the time.  That's exactly how I feel. 

 I see other people having fun and enjoying life; friends, couples, kids. and the sun can be shining and all I see/feel is darkness.

I don't beleive in the occult, but there's got to be some explanation as to why nothing good seems to ever happen for me.  I did what I was supposed to do, I got rid of the weight, and my life is no better now than it was before.

I could understand it when I was fat and gross, and nobody wanted to have anything to do with me, much less even be seen with me, and I'm talking men and women here, but I'm normal looking now, at least for a middle aged woman. I see people now who are WAY bigger than I was, out having a good time, with people who love them, but I'm always alone.  Most people still don't beleive I weight what I do (see ticker)  All that loose skin on my thighs that's making me heavier on the scales.

Please dont quit if this is something you really want.  There has to be some way.  Can you redo the class at another school and still be able to meet the requirements for your RD program you want to get into?  I graduated from Portland State University last year with a bachelors in biology  I took all 3 terms of A & P and passed all 3 in the B range.  Id totally be down for trying to tutor you over the internet or whatever.  Just dont let this one class trash the whole dream if its a dream you want to see happen, okay?  If you want it bad enough, I know you'll figure out a way to open another door if one just got slammed in your face.  Hell, pick up a rock and smash a window if  you have to.  Just fight for what you want, ok?

Dont be insulted that someone suggested you see a counselor who deals with eating disorders.  While you might not have bulemia or anorexia, there is obviously an issue with disordered eating to get you to the place you are at right now.  Would you agree?   I actually have already begun seeing a therapist myself.  And Im about as far from anorexia and bulemia as you can get   It really all boils down to an unhealthy relationship with food...whether you stuff yourself with food, avoid food like the plague, or binge.  I asked myself who was going to understand what I feel is my unhealthy relationship with food other than someone who specialized in eating disorders?  I dont know...it just made sense to me.

That's the thing.  I started out taking it in my first semester, had a teacher with an accebnt I totally could not understand and totally did not care about whether students got it or not. (other students even went ot the Dean about her!) Because i dropped a day after the deadline, it counted as a taken class, so actually, My first time sitting through the whole class conted as my second,  I had to beg for this retake, which on the record is my third. This school only allows one repeat per class. My own professor says he thinks this is wrong, because as long as you can pay, and need the class, you should be able to take it.

Vocational Rehabilitation only pays once.

By the way, the DS fixed the disordered eating.  I'm almost three years out.  Check the ticker.

Disordered eating...yes I used to binge.   I can't binge now.  I do all that I'm supposed to do, including stillusing shakes, because I turned out to be hypermalabsorptive. 

Zinc was the only problem in my last labs, and I'm fixing that.

I have always been a high acheiver...so why can I not seem to acheive anything now?

there must be another solution. Have you talked to your college counselor?

There has to be a way to retake this class or do something remedial ? Can you go to another school?

Please don't give up. And don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes things dont work out for a reason and you were meant for something else.

Why not consider a lot of thought about it all and talk to people at the school and do some soul searching. Don't give up on life and yourself!! Life doesnt always go as planned- like some people say- when you make plans - God laughs!

Making rash decisions wouldnt be smart right now. Can you sort things out with a therapist or career counselor?

Antidepressants also can work wonders and help you put things in perspective. Your body has been thru some major changes and your brain chemicals could be out of balance! So what if we get labeled as having an eating disorder?

Be persistent! I doubt anyone is glee with your news !

I can think of one person on this board, and we blocked each other.

The counselor at the school that I must see, since I'm courses-only, prior to transfer back to IU, has been waiting for this moment.  She has been nothing but discouraging the whole time...reallly just short of calling me stupid.

In the world of non-traditional students, I am extremely non-traditional, I already have a BA, I can't do my old job, and I'm even older than many of my instructors.  53 years old!  Thisis a community college I'm atttending, and most of the students are there because they either couldn't afford or couldn't get admitted to a regular college, or they have some social issue ( lots of ex-cons and work release students) that put them there. 

What bites the most is that the classes, for the most part, are high school level.  It's basically a college for the intellectually challenged.  Hardly anyone from there goes on to a higher degree.  They go in, get trained to be a dental hygenist,  daycare worker or whatever, and they're done.  No such thng as a Bachelors degree there.  Only degrees are Associates.  It's a trade school.

Just because you can't become an RD doesn't mean you can't major in something else. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, put your energy into researching your other options. Wanting to "die in your sleep" sounds like it's a step away from being suicidal. If you can't get the required therapy where you are at, perhaps you need to go to your local ER. They have counselors and therapists they can call to come talk to you.

If you aren't passing that class due to health issues, perhaps you can get an "incomplete", that will give you more time to work on it. At any rate, not passing one class does not mean your life is over.

Already explored the incomplete option.  I'm only one test away from the final, and I can't retake the other tests.

Actualy, online would be better, but again, I can't sign up for online through this school.  I've already been through the class more times than they allow already.

When you go to the local ER here for "psychological" issues, all they do is send you to the local mental health facility.  I'm too much of a coward to take my own life.  Even if I tried, I'd probably screw that up, too.