Stages of WLS???
I think it was posted here, some had a "stages of DS or WLS" written up, it was funny....but oh so true. Anyone have a copy?
I have Lipedema and Lymphedema. I also have a passion for Obesity and Health Insurance Advocacy.
Blog: born2lbfat.com Facebook: Born2lbFat Twitter: @born2lbfat
Created by the brilliant Nicole in Chicago.
Full thread here:
http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/DS/4200241/quot25-Stages-o f-an-OH-DSerquot-by-Nicolle-Damn-Long/action,replies/topic_i d,4200241/page,1/
--
When I got my DS, I pledged to myself that I would hang around on the OH boards for 1 year, to help pay it forward to others who want to get the DS. I really connected with some of the people on OH and I was still learning a lot, so I was hesitant to go at the one-year mark. So I decided to make it interesting for myself and see how long I could stay around. I'm almost 2 and a half years post-op. I've been here for over 4 years now. To amuse myself, I have snarkily (really, can I do anything un-snarkily?) created the "25 Stages of an OH DSer." If you see yourself here, try and laugh. I know I have tried to see the humor in finding myself in some of these stages.
Really, we (including myself) are a predictable lot. Some of us, blissfully, skip through some of these stages, but some of us follow them to the letter, even the scary ones.
To make things interesting for myself, I now try to guess how long it will be from the time a newbie pops up on here and then reaches a particular stage. I thought some of you might enjoy OH more if you got into my head and "played" too. Forgive typos, I am still a little loopy from pain meds.
"The 25 Stages of an OH DSer" by Nicolle
In fairness, this is often the FIRST stage:
"My God, that woman/man on the main board is such a ***** about the DS! DSers think they found the secret to success. They are so damn righteous, bragging that they get to eat unhealthy crap and still lose and maintain weight. Yeah, right. I don't want to be a pig at the trough like them, with near-fatal cholesterol! I want to lose the healthy way, through diet, exercise and old-fashioned deprivation. There is a place in Heaven for pious, GOOD people like me, who are willing to suffer to lose a couple of pounds. I am getting the XYZ instead!"
THEN we move on to Stage 1:
1) Ummm...hi meanies on the DS board...what is the DS? I keep seeing you guys posting about your success and what you can eat. Is it better than X surgery for me? Will I **** my pants and have hideous gas? (This, and various basic questions, from day-to-day living to surgeon choice to end of-life care questions will be asked in 43 different threads within ONE day. Sometimes, the panicked OP will pull out this apocalyptic chestnut: “If there is a nuclear war and I am still alive, how will I get the protein I need to survive with a DS?Â")
2) I have read a ton about the DS online and found a DS surgeon and I'm going for insurance approval! Wahoo!
2a) What do you mean my surgeon does NOT do the DS? What is "bait-and-don't switch?" Why does he say I "will **** my pants and have hideous gas?"
What do you mean I should go to a real, vetted DS surgeon? THIS surgeon is awesome. He HAS moved 14 times in the last hour/she SAYS it is best practice to cut out the stomach, throw it against the wall, step on it with a stiletto and hook it up again/he says it's fine to hook a garden hose up to my asshole on full power BUT he is a GREAT surgeon! You guys are wrong!!! My intended surgeon rocks!!!
2b) My insurance says the DS is "experimental." My PCP says I will "**** my pants and have hideous gas." My brother's cousin's uncle illegitimate step-son had the DS and he died from it. I am so scared! I know I have called a lot of you "*****es" and "meanies," but can you now help me get approval? Pretty please?
3) I now have met 4,000 RNYers and LapBanders and they have regained their weight, have foamies, died and, of course, **** their pants and had hideous gas. I'm glad there's the DS! The 10 DSers I met are skinny, seem happy and do not **** their pants or have hideous gas. I want the DS!
4) OMG! I got my DS date! I am so excited!
5) Should I tell people I am getting WLS--will people tell me I took the "easy way out?" Will my co-workers worry that I am sick? Will that one ***** in Accounting use it against me? Will my boyfriend’s ex, who is friends with the ***** in Accounting, find out? Will my boss, *****gained after her failed RNY, be so jealous of me that she will kill me in the women’s bathroom with a sharp knife?
6) I've heard that 99.8 or people with WLS and 99.9% of people with the DS end up divorced. I don't want a divorce because I am married to the best woman/man in the world. Rainbows and sunshine squirt out of their butt every day. I am sooo lucky to have them! They have loved me through thick and thin (tee-hee, pun intended). What should I do, have the DS and risk getting divorced?
7) Seriously, who the hell do the people who run www.dsfacts.com and the lab rat data site www.epursimuove.com/ds/ think they are? Their information is old/bad/stinks like hideous gas. For Godsakes, it's missing the word "the" in one of the paragraphs on page 81!! What Congressman should I write to tell them that I think these FREE, volunteer efforts suck? I could do better (but I won't volunteer because I am too busy.)
8) I'm switched! I'm sore and tired. But I'm switched, yay! I feel like crap, but yay, me! 8a)How much weight should I have lost by now, 12 hours after surgery? I’m afraid I am behind.
8b) OMG! While I am laying in bed, I hear this “whooshingÂ" noise coming out of my mouth every few seconds. I hold my breath, and then it stops. Then it starts up again, urgently at first, then it slows. My surgeon says it is my breathing, but I just KNOW something is wrong. Please, absolute strangers, tell me my surgeon is wrong and that I need a second opinion. I trust YOU more. 9) My surgeon, who sits to the right of God Himself, says I should do blah, blah, blah. He thinks all of YOUR DS docs are stupid, even the ones who have done thousands of DSes. You are sooo wrong!!! When I find his new address, I will tell my surgeon that I think he is great!
10) I am 5 seconds, (5 weeks, 5 months, etc.) out and I can eat 14 Nachos Bell Grandes. Is that ok/normal? Oh, and can I drink alchohol yet?
11) I've lost 4 billion pounds, yay me! Look at my attention-***** pictures! Look at my new dress! Listen to the “wowsÂ" I have experienced! I am soooo much smarter than dummies who picked another surgery!
12) Remember my SUPER surgeon? Well, when she stepped on my stomach with a stiletto, it made one extra hole--just one, mind you. And that is causing acid to leak into my eye, but I AM losing weight, what should I do? I can’t find her right now, but when I do, I am sure she will fix this right up for me. And as soon as she gets A new address, she should STILL be on the vetted surgeon list because she's charming. (And if she DOESN’T fix this problem, I will drop off of these boards, taking my malpractice suit private and no one will ever know that I settled out of court.)
13) What vitamins should I be taking? Man, Vitalady says I should take a lot of vitamins a day. But she's just trying to make a buck off of us. Lousy *****!
14) I'm 5 seconds (5 weeks, 5 months, etc.) out and I am in a stall. What should I do t jump-start my weight loss? I’m so worried that I will not lose 1,000 pounds by my six-month mark!!
15) Tee-hee! I'm eating bacon, cheeseburgers and heavy cream and people I know are telling me I'm going to regain/they do not believe me that I can eat this/people are jealous of me. No, I'm sure it's not because I have become an obnoxious twit who only talks about her amazing DS and weight loss. It's jealousy, plain and simple.
16) Oh, oh, I ate 40 Oreos, 40 burritos from Taco Bell and washed it down with Hawaiian Punch! I **** my pants and had hideous gas. What should I do?
17) I feel sorry for poor, sad fatties I see who don't know about the DS...should I tell strangers of my success so they can be inspired? OR, I told a poor, sad fatty about the DS and they got mad at me. I feel so bad.
18) I know this is OT, but you guys feel like my family. I have a problem that I hope you can help me with...my dog/friend/son/best friend/brother is sick/dying/applying to college/facing bullies/figured out they are gay/bit the mailman. What should I do?"
19) My support group/nutritionist/PCP is so ignorant of living with the DS. They are telling newbies that they "will **** their pants and have hideous gas." How do I stop them from saying that? It's so wrong! I am so frustrated with my support group, yet I will continue to go there again and again.
20) Got my first major labs. Can you look at them? What vites should I be taking? Yes, but if I follow Vitalady's plan, she's just trying to sell us vitamins, right? Of course, that lousy ***** would say we should take a lot, right, so she can make money off of us!
21a) Someone in my life is telling me I'm too skinny...how can I make them understand I am not and I have more to lose? Are they just jealous of me? They must be jealous of me. It’s not that I have become an obnoxious twit who talks only of her amazing DS and weight loss. It’s plain, simple jealousy.
21b) I am concerned that I am too skinny. How can I slow my weight loss down? Add carbs? Okey-dokey!
22a) My husband, who, mysteriously, was the greatest husband before I had my DS, who now pokes sticks in my eye/was mean to my mother/kicked the dog, says he thinks I am having an affair or want to have an affair because I am getting better-looking and like to go out more. Guys flirt with me all of the time, but it's not my fault! I am just hot now and have self-esteem, founded on my looks only . Sure, I hang out at bars without him and lick salt off of guys' bellies before I pound a tequila shot, but I am NOT cheating! How dare he think that?
22b) Okay, guys. After 18 years, my formerly great relationship is on the skids. My husband, who I thought was amazing, is now an evil slug, so I met a great, hot guy (yes, I licked salt off of his belly in a bar, so what?), who is so much better than my evil husband. We are very happy together! My kids like him, too! We’re going to get married! He loves to hear me talk about my amazing DS and weight loss!
22c) My boyfriend and I broke up. I miss my amazing husband and my kids miss their dad. Why do I always meet crummy guys? Should I see a therapist? Should I tell guys I'm dating that I lost 500 pounds, or should it be my little secret until we have sex and he sees my extra skin? Will that turn them off?
23) I know I'm hardly on OH anymore, but I'm so busy, living and loving life, (unlike you miserable turds). I'm dating and happy. But please drop what you are doing and help me with something: I am wondering about plastic surgery. Does insurance cover it? Will my hot new boy-toys/teenage girlfriend ever know I had plastics?
24) I know I am three years out, and barely come around anymore because I am living and loving life, (unlike you miserable turds), but please drop what you are doing and help me with something. I was concerned I was losing too much weight, so I started eating 14,000 carbs a day and regained 40 pounds. Do I need a revision? Oh, and does anyone know where my surgeon is now?
25) I know I am four years out, and barely come around anymore because I am living and loving life (unlike you miserable turds), but please drop what you are doing and help me with something. I felt fine so I stopped taking my vitamins and my doctor said I now have Swiss cheese for bones and I have night vision trouble. What do I do? I can't find my surgeon, so I called Vitalady and she said she is willing to help me save my life, even though I publicly called her a "lousy *****" here for years. Here's a reminder for newbies: "take your vitamins or else you'll end up like me!"
And the beat goes on... Did I miss any stages????? Nicolle HW: 344 lbs CW: 150 lbs
Type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea GONE!
To learn more about the kick-butt DS, visit www.dsfacts.com or the DS forum on OH.
Full thread here:
http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/DS/4200241/quot25-Stages-o f-an-OH-DSerquot-by-Nicolle-Damn-Long/action,replies/topic_i d,4200241/page,1/
--
When I got my DS, I pledged to myself that I would hang around on the OH boards for 1 year, to help pay it forward to others who want to get the DS. I really connected with some of the people on OH and I was still learning a lot, so I was hesitant to go at the one-year mark. So I decided to make it interesting for myself and see how long I could stay around. I'm almost 2 and a half years post-op. I've been here for over 4 years now. To amuse myself, I have snarkily (really, can I do anything un-snarkily?) created the "25 Stages of an OH DSer." If you see yourself here, try and laugh. I know I have tried to see the humor in finding myself in some of these stages.
Really, we (including myself) are a predictable lot. Some of us, blissfully, skip through some of these stages, but some of us follow them to the letter, even the scary ones.
To make things interesting for myself, I now try to guess how long it will be from the time a newbie pops up on here and then reaches a particular stage. I thought some of you might enjoy OH more if you got into my head and "played" too. Forgive typos, I am still a little loopy from pain meds.
"The 25 Stages of an OH DSer" by Nicolle
In fairness, this is often the FIRST stage:
"My God, that woman/man on the main board is such a ***** about the DS! DSers think they found the secret to success. They are so damn righteous, bragging that they get to eat unhealthy crap and still lose and maintain weight. Yeah, right. I don't want to be a pig at the trough like them, with near-fatal cholesterol! I want to lose the healthy way, through diet, exercise and old-fashioned deprivation. There is a place in Heaven for pious, GOOD people like me, who are willing to suffer to lose a couple of pounds. I am getting the XYZ instead!"
THEN we move on to Stage 1:
1) Ummm...hi meanies on the DS board...what is the DS? I keep seeing you guys posting about your success and what you can eat. Is it better than X surgery for me? Will I **** my pants and have hideous gas? (This, and various basic questions, from day-to-day living to surgeon choice to end of-life care questions will be asked in 43 different threads within ONE day. Sometimes, the panicked OP will pull out this apocalyptic chestnut: “If there is a nuclear war and I am still alive, how will I get the protein I need to survive with a DS?Â")
2) I have read a ton about the DS online and found a DS surgeon and I'm going for insurance approval! Wahoo!
2a) What do you mean my surgeon does NOT do the DS? What is "bait-and-don't switch?" Why does he say I "will **** my pants and have hideous gas?"
What do you mean I should go to a real, vetted DS surgeon? THIS surgeon is awesome. He HAS moved 14 times in the last hour/she SAYS it is best practice to cut out the stomach, throw it against the wall, step on it with a stiletto and hook it up again/he says it's fine to hook a garden hose up to my asshole on full power BUT he is a GREAT surgeon! You guys are wrong!!! My intended surgeon rocks!!!
2b) My insurance says the DS is "experimental." My PCP says I will "**** my pants and have hideous gas." My brother's cousin's uncle illegitimate step-son had the DS and he died from it. I am so scared! I know I have called a lot of you "*****es" and "meanies," but can you now help me get approval? Pretty please?
3) I now have met 4,000 RNYers and LapBanders and they have regained their weight, have foamies, died and, of course, **** their pants and had hideous gas. I'm glad there's the DS! The 10 DSers I met are skinny, seem happy and do not **** their pants or have hideous gas. I want the DS!
4) OMG! I got my DS date! I am so excited!
5) Should I tell people I am getting WLS--will people tell me I took the "easy way out?" Will my co-workers worry that I am sick? Will that one ***** in Accounting use it against me? Will my boyfriend’s ex, who is friends with the ***** in Accounting, find out? Will my boss, *****gained after her failed RNY, be so jealous of me that she will kill me in the women’s bathroom with a sharp knife?
6) I've heard that 99.8 or people with WLS and 99.9% of people with the DS end up divorced. I don't want a divorce because I am married to the best woman/man in the world. Rainbows and sunshine squirt out of their butt every day. I am sooo lucky to have them! They have loved me through thick and thin (tee-hee, pun intended). What should I do, have the DS and risk getting divorced?
7) Seriously, who the hell do the people who run www.dsfacts.com and the lab rat data site www.epursimuove.com/ds/ think they are? Their information is old/bad/stinks like hideous gas. For Godsakes, it's missing the word "the" in one of the paragraphs on page 81!! What Congressman should I write to tell them that I think these FREE, volunteer efforts suck? I could do better (but I won't volunteer because I am too busy.)
8) I'm switched! I'm sore and tired. But I'm switched, yay! I feel like crap, but yay, me! 8a)How much weight should I have lost by now, 12 hours after surgery? I’m afraid I am behind.
8b) OMG! While I am laying in bed, I hear this “whooshingÂ" noise coming out of my mouth every few seconds. I hold my breath, and then it stops. Then it starts up again, urgently at first, then it slows. My surgeon says it is my breathing, but I just KNOW something is wrong. Please, absolute strangers, tell me my surgeon is wrong and that I need a second opinion. I trust YOU more. 9) My surgeon, who sits to the right of God Himself, says I should do blah, blah, blah. He thinks all of YOUR DS docs are stupid, even the ones who have done thousands of DSes. You are sooo wrong!!! When I find his new address, I will tell my surgeon that I think he is great!
10) I am 5 seconds, (5 weeks, 5 months, etc.) out and I can eat 14 Nachos Bell Grandes. Is that ok/normal? Oh, and can I drink alchohol yet?
11) I've lost 4 billion pounds, yay me! Look at my attention-***** pictures! Look at my new dress! Listen to the “wowsÂ" I have experienced! I am soooo much smarter than dummies who picked another surgery!
12) Remember my SUPER surgeon? Well, when she stepped on my stomach with a stiletto, it made one extra hole--just one, mind you. And that is causing acid to leak into my eye, but I AM losing weight, what should I do? I can’t find her right now, but when I do, I am sure she will fix this right up for me. And as soon as she gets A new address, she should STILL be on the vetted surgeon list because she's charming. (And if she DOESN’T fix this problem, I will drop off of these boards, taking my malpractice suit private and no one will ever know that I settled out of court.)
13) What vitamins should I be taking? Man, Vitalady says I should take a lot of vitamins a day. But she's just trying to make a buck off of us. Lousy *****!
14) I'm 5 seconds (5 weeks, 5 months, etc.) out and I am in a stall. What should I do t jump-start my weight loss? I’m so worried that I will not lose 1,000 pounds by my six-month mark!!
15) Tee-hee! I'm eating bacon, cheeseburgers and heavy cream and people I know are telling me I'm going to regain/they do not believe me that I can eat this/people are jealous of me. No, I'm sure it's not because I have become an obnoxious twit who only talks about her amazing DS and weight loss. It's jealousy, plain and simple.
16) Oh, oh, I ate 40 Oreos, 40 burritos from Taco Bell and washed it down with Hawaiian Punch! I **** my pants and had hideous gas. What should I do?
17) I feel sorry for poor, sad fatties I see who don't know about the DS...should I tell strangers of my success so they can be inspired? OR, I told a poor, sad fatty about the DS and they got mad at me. I feel so bad.
18) I know this is OT, but you guys feel like my family. I have a problem that I hope you can help me with...my dog/friend/son/best friend/brother is sick/dying/applying to college/facing bullies/figured out they are gay/bit the mailman. What should I do?"
19) My support group/nutritionist/PCP is so ignorant of living with the DS. They are telling newbies that they "will **** their pants and have hideous gas." How do I stop them from saying that? It's so wrong! I am so frustrated with my support group, yet I will continue to go there again and again.
20) Got my first major labs. Can you look at them? What vites should I be taking? Yes, but if I follow Vitalady's plan, she's just trying to sell us vitamins, right? Of course, that lousy ***** would say we should take a lot, right, so she can make money off of us!
21a) Someone in my life is telling me I'm too skinny...how can I make them understand I am not and I have more to lose? Are they just jealous of me? They must be jealous of me. It’s not that I have become an obnoxious twit who talks only of her amazing DS and weight loss. It’s plain, simple jealousy.
21b) I am concerned that I am too skinny. How can I slow my weight loss down? Add carbs? Okey-dokey!
22a) My husband, who, mysteriously, was the greatest husband before I had my DS, who now pokes sticks in my eye/was mean to my mother/kicked the dog, says he thinks I am having an affair or want to have an affair because I am getting better-looking and like to go out more. Guys flirt with me all of the time, but it's not my fault! I am just hot now and have self-esteem, founded on my looks only . Sure, I hang out at bars without him and lick salt off of guys' bellies before I pound a tequila shot, but I am NOT cheating! How dare he think that?
22b) Okay, guys. After 18 years, my formerly great relationship is on the skids. My husband, who I thought was amazing, is now an evil slug, so I met a great, hot guy (yes, I licked salt off of his belly in a bar, so what?), who is so much better than my evil husband. We are very happy together! My kids like him, too! We’re going to get married! He loves to hear me talk about my amazing DS and weight loss!
22c) My boyfriend and I broke up. I miss my amazing husband and my kids miss their dad. Why do I always meet crummy guys? Should I see a therapist? Should I tell guys I'm dating that I lost 500 pounds, or should it be my little secret until we have sex and he sees my extra skin? Will that turn them off?
23) I know I'm hardly on OH anymore, but I'm so busy, living and loving life, (unlike you miserable turds). I'm dating and happy. But please drop what you are doing and help me with something: I am wondering about plastic surgery. Does insurance cover it? Will my hot new boy-toys/teenage girlfriend ever know I had plastics?
24) I know I am three years out, and barely come around anymore because I am living and loving life, (unlike you miserable turds), but please drop what you are doing and help me with something. I was concerned I was losing too much weight, so I started eating 14,000 carbs a day and regained 40 pounds. Do I need a revision? Oh, and does anyone know where my surgeon is now?
25) I know I am four years out, and barely come around anymore because I am living and loving life (unlike you miserable turds), but please drop what you are doing and help me with something. I felt fine so I stopped taking my vitamins and my doctor said I now have Swiss cheese for bones and I have night vision trouble. What do I do? I can't find my surgeon, so I called Vitalady and she said she is willing to help me save my life, even though I publicly called her a "lousy *****" here for years. Here's a reminder for newbies: "take your vitamins or else you'll end up like me!"
And the beat goes on... Did I miss any stages????? Nicolle HW: 344 lbs CW: 150 lbs
Type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea GONE!
To learn more about the kick-butt DS, visit www.dsfacts.com or the DS forum on OH.
~ Kim ~
HW - 283 SW - 257.5 Goal - 156
Thanks to all the DS vets who have paid it forward - I <3 you guys!
Looking for DS support & information? Check out : http://weightlosssurgery.proboards.com/index.cgi
HW - 283 SW - 257.5 Goal - 156
Thanks to all the DS vets who have paid it forward - I <3 you guys!
Looking for DS support & information? Check out : http://weightlosssurgery.proboards.com/index.cgi
THANK YOU!!!
I always thought stages 26-30 should relate to the "professional DS patient"...
26. I want to share my DS experience check out my BLOG.
27. I want to share my DS experience, check out my BOOK.
28. Coming to a city near you...ME!
29. I lost weight and my life is perfect now (perfecter) and I can HELP you! Let me coach you!
30. I found this PERFECT suppliment to maintain click here to find out more and link to my sales page!
I always thought stages 26-30 should relate to the "professional DS patient"...
26. I want to share my DS experience check out my BLOG.
27. I want to share my DS experience, check out my BOOK.
28. Coming to a city near you...ME!
29. I lost weight and my life is perfect now (perfecter) and I can HELP you! Let me coach you!
30. I found this PERFECT suppliment to maintain click here to find out more and link to my sales page!
I have Lipedema and Lymphedema. I also have a passion for Obesity and Health Insurance Advocacy.
Blog: born2lbfat.com Facebook: Born2lbFat Twitter: @born2lbfat
On November 2, 2011 at 7:16 PM Pacific Time, Sarahlicious wrote:
THANK YOU!!!I always thought stages 26-30 should relate to the "professional DS patient"...
26. I want to share my DS experience check out my BLOG.
27. I want to share my DS experience, check out my BOOK.
28. Coming to a city near you...ME!
29. I lost weight and my life is perfect now (perfecter) and I can HELP you! Let me coach you!
30. I found this PERFECT suppliment to maintain click here to find out more and link to my sales page!
A DS book? Where can I find this?
On November 2, 2011 at 7:16 PM Pacific Time, Sarahlicious wrote:
THANK YOU!!!I always thought stages 26-30 should relate to the "professional DS patient"...
26. I want to share my DS experience check out my BLOG.
27. I want to share my DS experience, check out my BOOK.
28. Coming to a city near you...ME!
29. I lost weight and my life is perfect now (perfecter) and I can HELP you! Let me coach you!
30. I found this PERFECT suppliment to maintain click here to find out more and link to my sales page!
Who are you implying here? This behavior is pretty common for OTHER surgeries, but I've seen very little of it here.
* There are only a couple of DSers that have blogs that they are trying to make money off of - even DSFacts is supported by donations from DSers and not advertising.
* There are no DS books that I know of, despite a couple of people saying they wanted to write one.
* After the stalking crap, most of us are far more cautious about advertising that we are traveling to specific places, and none that I know of who work for OH and advertise themselves as being an attraction at the next OH conference.
* I do not know of ONE DS coach (in the professional sense) - all information posted that I have seen is aimed at DSers generally, and is posted for free.
* Pretty much all of us get our DS-specific supplements from Vitalady.
So, Sarah, what are you trying to say here? Who do you think are the "professional DS patients" you are mocking?
Yes, although I used DS in my additional that was only because the orginal list was geared towards DS, Nicole's list has stages that could be tweaked to fit any surgery type, just like the ones I added can be. Nothing wrong with professional patients, many have great information to share with others.
I have Lipedema and Lymphedema. I also have a passion for Obesity and Health Insurance Advocacy.
Blog: born2lbfat.com Facebook: Born2lbFat Twitter: @born2lbfat
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