Would 10 more pounds really make a difference? Stepping into the confessional

Maddie, Wow, I understand! 

I lost 163 pounds and was too thin, according to everyone else.  I still had a panni and a 27-inch waist.  I don't count that as thin.

I started a drug called Forteo for osteoporosis in June and estrogen therapy (I'm in menopause) in September and have gained 14 lbs in 2 months.  I hadn't weighed for awhile because I was used to the scale fluctuating between 117 and 120 and took it for granted.  When I weighed at the doctor's office last week, it was a shock.  I freaked out.  So I've cut carbs (no sugar, no white bread, no rice, no potatoes) to 40g a day and have lost 4 lbs in a week.

I'm trying to accept that my body has adjusted to my surgery and that I'm more normal now than I was.  I am starting toning exercises (Callanetics) and am obsessive about weighing every day and doing my measurements once a week.

In my heart, I still think of myself as "fat."  I don't recognize myself in the pictures of me when I was so heavy but I don't always recognize myself in new pictures either.  It has taken a long time to become comfortable with the woman I see in the mirror.

And identity?  you raise some terrific questions.  That's one that will require a lot of thought....

I wish you peace.
Carol

When I was finally released from the hospital in December 2010, after 9 long months of being TPN and not allowed to eat I was given the go ahead to eat whatever I could tolerate. Of course I started out slowly and soon enough I found myself just eating whatever I wanted with very few consequences. In August I started cooking and baking for (renaissance) faire and of course I ate. I ate junk food. I ate pretty much whatever I wanted and I gained weight. Ok, so back to DS basics and I'm 1/2 way back to 160. Of course I would like to weigh less, but right now I just want to get back into the routine of eating protein and keeping carbs low. It's working. I didn't break anything and I'm sure in the next month I will get back down to 160. 

You are really good though...no rice, potatoes?  Me? Well, I eat protein and fat during the day, but at night for dinner I eat pretty much whatever I want and that includes potato and rice. I will say this though. I have all but cut out bread, though I will use a bit of panko bread crumbs or flour to pan fry things in. I'm much more carb conscious right now. At first I craved carbs at every turn and would stand in front of my baking closet and look to see what I could eat. That has gotten easier now and the last few days I haven't had any sort of candy, though I have had popcorn.  I'm trying to not be obsessive about it.

I notice how I look in pictures and even 10-20 pounds in a photo can send me off sprialing into the I'm so fat doldrums. It is a daily reminder to myself of what I came down from. I look at my before and RNY before pictures often. I loved that girl, but I remember she was damned uncomfortable and more than that those around her were uncomfortable with her because of her size.

I don't want to be percieved as vain or narcisistic, but truthfully if I could sit and stare at myself in a mirror I think I would. Of course I do have a tendency to start talking negatively to that girl in the reflection which is a big reason why I don't, but when I go by and see my reflection I always check it out. Sometimes I've caught my reflection and have not even recognized myself.

It's a process and I don't want it to be a long process. I want to be at a place where my weight is a non issue, where I don't think about it everyday many times a day. I want to be comfortable with myself and I want to stop second guessing my weight and is 10 more pounds really necessary?