Would 10 more pounds really make a difference? Stepping into the confessional

It is amazing how powerful the mind is... How much past/present hurts effect us.... I am in the process of digging and finding out what is the root of the weight(besides me just LOVING FOOD)... Today I am 10 weeks out from having my DS and I know that this is going to be an issue as the weight continues to come off.... I agree with someone above that says find a good fit with your therapist... I had a great one and she moved out of the country... then I had to go through 3 or 4 more to find a good fit again... We are in the process of doing EMRS... I think that this is going to enable me to face these obstacles and move past them and put them to bed for good... It is a very emotional process and it takes alot out of me... But I am so glad that I am doing it... I am also on meds for mild depression which came up in my psych eval(which now need to be adjusted)...

The reason I am posting is that I am hoping that when I get to where you are... I will have wrangled my mind and would have been able to take control...It does scare me that we will be battling these demons for the rest of my life... I just want to get over it... whatever 'it' is...I guess I am rambling... but I just want you to know that talking these things out with someone who is not connected to you emotionally is so freeing... I can go in there and say just about anything I want and it goes no where....

I think this is best for many if not ALL of us on here...
Best of luck!
-Jody

I'm not sure if I will battle this demon for the rest of my life, but for right now I do need to come to terms with where I have been and where I am and I need to be satisfied with my weight. I know that part of the problem right now is that I gained weight, which I am in the process of losing again because I'm doing the right thing, but the clothes in my closet fit me at a lower weight. I swore that I would not go out and buy clothes in a bigger size and yet I had to go out and buy 2 pairs of jeans in a size 14 because none of my jeans fit me. Those pants are now getting a bit big, and for that I am happy. My size 12's are starting to fit again and in a few more weeks I will be back to my size 10's once again. It isn't just one thing that percipitated this thought process. It's a bunch of things. Eventually I'll get a handle on it I'm sure.

M~

Maddie, I deal with this, too.

I know I'm still chubby (in areas). I know I will never get down to some magic goal number, but I've made peace with it. Well, for the most part. There are times when I still say to myself that life would be better if I were, say 140. It's not true, though.

The goal was health, right? We're healthy, we're happy. Life won't change because of a 10, 20 or even 30 lb stretch. I feel more confident about keeping the weight off, knowing I can dial back and go low carb and get back to normal.

My therapist helped. She's helped with a lot of life issues, and she's definitely helped with this. If you were closer to JC or Highland Park I'd recommend her in a heartbeat.  I do have the change dysmoprhia, it never went away completely. Once, when telling that to the therapist, she stood me up and compared me to her - I see her as normal and thin, and she pointed out that I was wearing a smaller size than she was. It was an odd moment.

I'm overweight by BMI standards. I'm not meant to be a size 4, I'm just not. Oh well. 

I do look at pictures and think "who was she?" I was always me. I always pushed ahead, did what I had to do, I think that doing what I have to do has gotten easier, not just physically, but in the way the world approaches me. Just recently I showed someone who didn't know me back then the pictures of a friend's wedding. I was the 26W bridesmaid next to the size 2 bride. I wondered how he would react, looking at it, since my own reaction was to cringe and I didn't completely remember being that person.  It's odd how we react.

We don't lose our identity, but we no longer hide our identity under layers of protection, that shout "stay away, I have this wall." We might have to redefine a bit, but the real person does always shine through.

Hugs, Maddie. I know it's rough, but you're looking great, living life, and you're you.

I look at myself now and I think that when I was in my teens and in high school clothing sizing was very different then todays vanity sizing. I would be in a size 18, possibly a 16, but I wear a 10/12  med/large in most everything now. I think that when I was the weight and size I am now I was the same height and I was considered fat by everyone, even my family. Now? Now I just seem average and normal as compared to everyone else around me.  I still don' t know what I look like next to people and want someone to take a picture of me next to someone of similar size.

I see pictures of myself when I was 300, 350, 400, 430 and occasionally will show them to people and their reaction is always "OMG, that's YOU?" One guy asked me how I could have let myself get so big.  As if I just "let" myself get big.  I look at that girl in the pictures and I cringe and get embarrased in the thought that yes, that was me, and now this is me. Same person, different package. I wasn't happy being fat. I hurt all the time, my quality of life not great, but I made the best out of it. Mostly I was overwhelmed by my weight and the thought of having to lose 300 pounds. I think, "wow...I've lost 274 pounds" and I'm STILL not happy?  Really?  Get over it, I tell myself, but there it sits.

I know that talking to a therapist will help me and I'm looking for one in the area. I know that eventually I will come to a place where I will accept myself for the weight I am. It's just going to take time. I think that this is all sort of hitting me now because for 18 months I didn't have the time to sit and think about this. I was too busy trying to deal with getting better.

M~

I thought that about sizes, too, but I recently tried on my wedding gown (I wore a street 16, an 18 gown) and it was swimming on me. My size 12 Catholic School uniform fits (from 8th grade). I wear a 10/12 now.  Yes, I was considered fat back then, and my family treated me like I was a pariah for being oveweight.

Don't you just love the "how did you let yourself get so big?" comment **** em! My husband can eat like he's a bottomless pit, and he never gains weight. Same with my son. They have an overactive metabolism, I didn't.

You had a very hard road to recovery, so yes, you didn't have time to deal with this, but I think you're doing well and you're on the right track! Hang in there, you will get through and come out shining.

Hi Maddie,
This "technique" was drilled into my head all of my life by my mom.  Not that it's either good or bad...sometimes it's one or the other or both.  She would remind us of all of the problems we didn't have.  Her saying was "I'll show you people with real problems". 

The other day I lost my cell phone and after I tracked it with software realized it was living a new life in San Jose and I wasn't getting it back.  I had the last pics of my mom alive on that camera that I never downloaded.  I had very personal emails that were probably read by the recipients of my stolen phone and all of my contact information.  My husband was livid.  Mostly about the pictures but also that I didn't have the safety of a cell phone.  I told him "the universe has to give out a bunch of problems each day.  I got the lost cell phone card.  Thank you universe!"  There are so many worse problems I could have gotten. 

I'm am in no way minimizing your body issues.  I don't mean this to come off that way.  I think that doing gratitude work is very helpful in realizing all of the good in your life.  You have come so far from all of your medical issues.  Seriously Maddie, I didn't complain about my DS because of YOUR issues.  I would think "who am I to complain when Maddie hasn't had food or drink in months."  My heart would hurt for you. 

Volunteering is also supposed to be a huge way to get into a different mental state about life.  I work in an animal shelter and I swear it makes 95% of my body issues non-existent.  I have a purpose now much greater than the way I look.  I don't think I would have had that at my old job in high tech.  I hope that you can live in peace and serenity in your new body.  You look beautiful to me. 

Cheers,
Cathy

Cathy, thank you. You are such a sweetie.

In no way is this one thing a looming issue. Well, ok it looms a lot of many days, but I do try not to dwell on it most of the time. It is something that has come up with me more often than I would like. Problems come and go and I have my share of them. I know that others have worse problems than me now and even worse than me when I had post op complications. I recall having a very difficult day some 10 months into my DS journey and I was really struggling with a LOT of buyers remorse and oh woe is me. It was later that day I got a call from my Uncle who told me that my first cousin, who is seven years younger than me (she is 44) has terminal cervical cancer. She has two beautiful children. One who is 17 and one who is 12.  Wow...what do you do with that? My first thought was that the Universe slapped me in the face with "You think you have problems?  Someone always has more and bigger problems than you. How dare you complain and feel sorry for yourself."

My guess is that I am struggling with this because I have for so long tried and continue to try to keep things in perspective.I mean, why can I not be happy or make peace with the weight I am?  Why must I always want just *this* much more. Why can I not get to my goal and say "I have arrived. I am happy?" These are the things I am struggling with and for some reason struggling with it more today than just a few days ago.  Even when I was so sick I was certain that having a positive attitude would make a difference. Oh, there were days when I cried and would wish I could just take it all back, but then I would get over it and move on because I had to. What else could I do?  Being all "oh woe is me, my life sucks...It's the doctor's fault (it wasn't)" was not going to encourage others to make it through their own WLS post op complications.  I needed to pay something forward no matter how sick I felt. 

Several months ago I went to an open house of a new cosmetology school that opened in Easton, PA. It's only 2 minutes from my house.  It's the first one in the Easton area and greatly needed.  The women that opened it up all go to this very large, primarily African American Baptist church.  I was amazed at the women that attended the opening and what they wore. Most were more than chunky, very very curvy (mark that as "got booty") and didn't seem to care one bit that the dress;, pants or top they wore was revealing in one way or another. They just donned their attitude of "I'm fabulous" and if you don't like it, go to hell."  I need to get to that point. To be content with my body.  I need to make peace with my weight and how I look.  I'm going to get there because I have to for my own well being.  I think that this is just going to take some time. And therapy.

Maddie

I am completely convinced that I struggle with the addiction of NEEDING to beat myself up about something.  Anything.  It's not the topic but the self-loathing that is my comfort zone.  It seems like the "10 more pounds" syndrome fits into that, huh?! 

I have to laugh because we talk about "sliding over on the loser's bench"....we need to slide over on the therapist couch!!!  I'll be there and saving  a place for you Maddie!!  :)

LOL... there you go. As a woman we often beat ourselves up for one thing or another regardless of whether or not it's weight related.

Thanks for saving me a place. I'll be curling up on the therapy couch soon enough.

One thing to consider is have a body composition and metabolic assessment with an exercise physiologist, and to set your ultimate goal in terms of a fitness, body fat, or performance. Weight' and size become incidental rather than the focus.   Those types of goals are also  are far less subjective than, "are my thighs too fat?" 

I had an assessment today. It was very helpful.