Would 10 more pounds really make a difference? Stepping into the confessional

Lately I have been struggling with the I need to lose 10 more pounds thing. The truth is that I'm trying to get back down to 160 again, mostly because I cannot afford to go out and buy all new clothes, but I have found myself continually thinking that I really need to lose another 10 or 20 after I get to the goal I have set for myself. (I had about 25 pounds of rebound because I just ate whatever I wanted over the last several months. I've lost about 12 of those pounds and am working on the last 10 of the gained weight pounds.)  I continue to remind myself that it probably would not matter if I weighed 120 pounds that I would always want to lose another 10 pounds no matter what I weighed. I'm struggling with change dysmorphia. What I see in the mirror is not what I have seen in the mirror for all of my life. My brain hasn't caught up to the changes and I struggle mentally day in and day out (you would think I would be happier, right?). When does it get easier? When do I look in the mirror and think "normal," not fat? When do I not struggle with any of the negative selftalk demons that I struggle with?  I have these days where I just feel so fat and huge (which may be normal, but I seem to obsess over it) and then I change out of the pants that are too big and the oversized t-shirt and realize that I'm being ridiculous, because what I see is slender(er) and how dare I think I am fat?  Seeing the change brainwise has been the hardest and trying to ditch the neg. self talk even harder. I look at my thighs and belly and see big/fat thighs and belly followed by the "look at you! You're still fat" thoughts.I thank goodness for Spanx and Miracle Suit because it does helps me mentally see what I would look like w/o all the excess skin.
 
I find it ironic that I'm still considered overweight by BMI standards. I would have to weigh 140 pounds to be "normal". In order to get there I would have to completely cut out carbs and what fun would that be, not to mention could I adopt a no carb diet? The answer to that is "highly unlikely and very unreasonable."  Even then I'm not sure if I would ever get to 140 short of a boatload of plastic surgery to remove the Stretch Armstrong skin. I often ask myself what is it going to take for me to feel normal? What weight? What size? And will I ever be content when I get to that place. Most of the time I have no real answer, because would 10 more pounds make me feel better or would it make me feel accomplished? Is being a size 8 really going to matter and how is it different from a size 10, especially since I used to wear a 34? Right now I'm just trying to get back down to around 160. I gained about 25 pounds at faire from all the carbs and junk food I was eating. I'm back to basics now. Eating protein and low carbs. I'm down about 15 pounds with 10 more to go.

Do you ever look at pictures of yourself before and say "I don't remember that girl?" I have pics of me at my heaviest and I honestly look at them and say "I don't know who that person is anymore." Does one lose their identity when they lose weight and more important, how does one regain their identity?

Discuss at will.

Maddie

Maddie, I don't wanna sound mean at all. Please don't take this the wrong was. BUT, do you see a therapist? Mine has made a world of difference. I would look into it if I were you.

I'm only a year out but I don't see the changes everyone else sees. I FEEL the difference. I'm just so greatful. Do I want to get to goal? HELL YES!!! Do I understand that you wanna lose that 10 lbs? HELL YES!

All you can do is protein and low carb. Use the gift you've been given.

A size 10 is amazing. And you look awesome. Really think about the therapist. And don't settle. Remember he/she will be working for you. Make sure they're a good fit for you. Good luck sweetie. HUGS


Ruby

Ruby, a therapist is on the agenda. I've realized that the help I need regarding this goes further than what I can provide on my own. I need some help over the hump. Even still I think what I am saying probably echo's with many on the boards.Discussing this helps me and I hope it will help others as well.  I know I look different and when I see myself in clothes I know I look fine, but yet I still struggle with those 10 last vanity pounds. I've not even made it to my goal (150) much less my surgeons goal (140).  I want to get to a place where I'm not fighting my weight and I can say "I'm happy where I am".

I totally understand. And it does help so many to discuss these issues here. I'm only 13 months and I fret everyday that I'll never get to goal. My therapist and this board are a God send! HUGS


Ruby

Maddie - as the saying goes they operate on our stomachs not on our heads. It took a couple of years and lots of therapy to finally "see" what everyone else saw, accept it, be happy about it, etc. Now, almost 9 years later, I can look at my old pictures and remember that person. I feel sad for that person because I remember how unhappy and sick she really was. But I also am happy with the person I have become - not just because I weight 175 pounds less but because I'm happy with my life.

IMHO stop worrying about numbers so much. Hopefully the main purpose of you having surgery was to get healthy and that you are health.

It gets easier when you accept who you are (no matter what the number says).

Just my $0.02.

Nancy (MsPPPants) once put up a picture of a scale with a note over the numbers that said "you are not defined by the numbers here. Now go find something that defines you!"  I have that taped to my scale, but still struggle not to be defined by those numbers.

Recently I was asked how much weight I lost and since this person only knew me from when I was 300 pounds and not 430 pounds I told her how much. She asked me if I would tell her how much I weighed and when I did she said "OH...WOW...I thought you weighed less than that. Honestly, you don't look that big!"  I know she didn't mean it meanly, but it stung none-the-less.
I couldn't help but consider if I had said I weighed 140 if she would have said "OH, you are so skinny!"

Hey, I could have written this!

A couple of years ago, I was seriously in the best shape of my life.  Lifting weights 2-3 days per week for an hour each time, sweating it out in the gym, cardio on most other days for a total of about 5days/ week at the gym.  And, I was pretty much eating no carbs.  I weighed...ehh...145-150 ( I am 5'9 ).  Oh, did I mention I also felt horrible?  Exhausted, sleepy, STILL not 100% happy with my body.

I weigh about 165-170 now.  It's a mind game, for sure.  But I know I look better now.  It takes a lot less time to replace a wardrobe than you'd think.

I've had a tummy tuck, and while I am thrilled with the results, does it take away all the insecurities?  Course not.

Favorite items in my closet are skirts with elastic waistband.  They take away the daily ups and downs of wearing constricting clothes.  Those skirts always fit.  They fit me at 150 lbs, they fit me before plastics, they fit me now.  And flowy tops are totally in fashion right now.

Trytrytry to focus on those positive things.
"My coloring looks great today"
"I love my shoulders"
"this top makes me feel really confident"
"I have a lot of energy today"
"this extra weight I've gained gave me a bum, and y'know--it's pretty cute"

They don't get rid of the demons completely, but they might be a reminder that doing what you're doing works on you.  If you feel your weight is making you unhealthy, by all means -- do what you need to lose it.  But if not -- you're eating healthy, taking care of yourself, enjoying life -- what more do you want?

Positive self talk, good advice. I do it, just not enough. Clearly I need to whallop the neg. self talk demon off of my shoulder. 

As for being healthy. Having gone through nearly 2 years of post op complications and finally fixed, I guess I am healthy now. I feel healthy for the most part anyway.

Love the elastic waistband skirt thing. Never thought of it that way before.

Maddie,

Let me start by saying you LOOK WONDERFUL!!! But I can understand. I am 145-150 and well I would love to loose another 10-20lbs but I can remember saying all of those years, if i could just get to 150 I would never grip again!! and you know i try to live by that... I do look at pictures and say OMG no wonder i was so tired and felt like crap... I LOOKED like crap and I was not healthy... but in pics i still see 20lbs that i would love to loose... you went through so much and for so long and again you look LIKE A DREAM! be proud of yourself!! you deserve it and you MUST start liking yourself..... just the way you are... it does not matter what others think about you... it is what you think about yourself...

Now I am stepping off my soapbox and go clean out the fireplace and get ready for winter....

Denise

Thanks Denise!