1st Post: How has DS impacted your spouse?

Hi everyone!  I've been lurking for over a month and am so happy I found all of you, this is a great site!  I got fed up with my weight once and for all this summer and didn't have it in me to fight to lose 40 pounds (and still be fat) to watch come right back!  I initially thought about getting the band.  I saw a surgeon in Sacramento who does band, sleeve, and RNY.  By the end of the appointment I thought the RNY sounded the best of all three presented.  Well, next came the internet research and the "dumping syndrome" FREAKED me out and after reading about DS and all of your fabulous posts, I've been converted!

I had my consult with Dr. Rabkin in SF today, spent 5 hours round trip in the car, but it was worth it.  I have good insurance coverage, have diet and psych evals next week and labs tomorrow!  Hope to have formal insurance "approval" in 2 weeks and possible surgery the week of Oct 17, WOO HOO!!

Finally getting to the point, I wanted to get your advice around how the DS has impacted your spouse or family?  What should they expect and how can I be sensitive to what they're going through and not just think only about me?

Thanks-
Lisa

Welcome aboard! You have chosen your surgeon wisely. He's about the best on the planet from all I hear.

My husband was quite jealous about how fast I lost weight post-op but it took him 2 years to finally join me in eating low carb and high protein. He has been able to lose weight and now his meds are controlling his cholesterol and blood sugar as before they weren't. My family takes me out to eat but it seems like they eat so much and so fast! They laugh at me because I can't keep up and am done so quick. lol 

--gina

Welcome and congratulations on your up-coming date. You have chosen amazing surgeon.

My husband has always been my biggest supporter and he saw me suffering. He's always been a low carb person and started strictly low carving a year ago. Now we eat more or less the same things again.

My DH loved me with a BMI of 52 and he loves me now. I really never had any fear that it would cause problems. I'm sure he doesn't enjoy my hormonal downswings but he does enjoy the upswings lol  He's happy that he gets more sex and my daughter is jealous that I can out-fart her now. That's about the extent of the impact  

HI Lisa.  Welcome to OH!   Congrats on your decision to go for the DS!

I'm still a "baby" DS'er.  I have learned so much here...and I am still learning.  I am still getting used to the "changes" in my dietary habits, self image, and personal life.  I had a really good relationship with my hubby pre-op...honestly the "healthiest" relationship I've ever been in.  Now that I am post-op, I know for a fact that some of the "issues" I have already went through have put a strain on my relationship...but I think things will be fine.  I have went through a roller coaster of emotions.  Normally I am pretty stable, but I've said and done things that actually cause problems.  I now realize I am doing this and trying to make an effort to stop this behavior.  If it continues, I will seek counseling for myself.

I've lost close to 100 pounds this year, about half of that was pre-op.  The last couple of weeks I am really beginning to notice loose skin...and LOTS of it.  So what do I do?  I start examining myself.  I find more "flaws".  Then I complain to my husband and have even shown him....even though I am embarrassed about it.  He is always very supportive (or at least tries to be).  One day while I was complaining he told me not to worry about it and that I can have plastic surgery when I get to goal to "fix" it.  I don't know why, but I blew up on him.  One minute I was angry at him for even suggesting it, then I was crying having the pity party of "Why did I ever let myself get so fat?", and then I cried because I felt bad for getting mad at him....blah, blah, blah!!!!!!!

My husband has also commented about other people checking me out.  I had no clue!  So I hope he does not develop jealousy issues, as my heart only belongs to him.  Even though I admit I am the jealous type myself.  LOL

My husband has been extremely supportive.  He makes sure I have any meds or supplements I may need.  He paid my "program" fee for my surgery.  He has already started saving for me to get plastics when needed.  (I do not work due to my health issues still.)  He will go to the store and pick up anything I request.  He does not complain about how some of my cooking habits have changed...and still says he loves my cooking!  He eats my leftovers (which is not a good thing for him).  He helped with chores around the house that he normally did not do while I was recovering.  Most importantly, he does not make a big deal when I "stink" up the house.  My only complaint is I wish he would complement me...but that is my own insecurities I guess.

I've had other friends (real life, personal friends) that have had WLS.  The ones that were in a good relationship pre-op are all still together post-op.  However, the ones that complained about their husband pre-op all have had major issues post-op that have led to at least marriage counseling and/or divorce.  

I am so thrilled that you are going with Dr. Rabkin--he and his team are great! I had my DS 3.5 years ago with them and life is sweet. Check out my profile and let me know if you have any questions. I will try and help if I can.

As to my hubby, he is thrilled for my renewed health and energy. He bemoans that I seem to have gotten 20 years younger while he has gotten older, but it's all in good fun. My husband loves that he gets to eat bacon more often and go to restaurants he likes more often, since it seemed I was always on a diet before. And with my renewed energy and increased libido, there is just no dealing with me! I came home from a parent meeting last night and threw on a lacy nightie and mauled my husband! Yay!

I have two kids, now 9 and 5 years old. I honestly think their view of food is so much healthier NOW than it would be if I had not gotten the DS or had I gotten any other WLS that relies on "diet rules." In this brave new DS world, no food is "off-limits," just eaten in moderation, from bacon to sweets. As a kid and an adult, I always wanted the "no-no" foods that were fatty and sweet. And the more people told me they were "bad," the more I wanted them. My kids see foods in a healthy way and I am delighted. Examples: for my son's 9th birthday this week, we had ice cream sundaes for breakfast before school. No biggie. It was special. It made their day. Now, the rest of that day, we accounted for that morning treat by eating the rest of our balanced things, like protein and veggies. Thanks to repeated messaging from mom and dad, they are very aware of diabetes and the importance of keeping a healthy body weight for a lifetime of health. I would consider it a parenting victory if my kids would see obese people as people who are fighting an illness, not people who are lazy, stupid or just out-of-control pigs. I think we are well on our way there. That makes me happy. 

My kids do not truly remember me being fat. Oh sure, they "know" it and have seen the pictures, but Nicolle 2.0 is what they know. I like to think that is making them aware that we all have challenges and can fight them.

I think this goes for all family and friends. Assume that most people do NOT want to talk about your WLS constantly. I've noticed here on OH that lots of people say their friends and family start to pull away from people who have WLS and practically refuse to talk about it. Sure, that could be for multiple reasons, but I wonder if it's because that person simply will NOT shut up about their WLS. I'd say to stay conscious of how often you are talking about it and gauge people's reactions. Vow to talk less about it to non-WLS people. Use OH and any in-person support groups for that stuff. Imagine your WLS is a new hobby or religion you are excited about...not everyone wants to hear about it every time they talk with you. They may ask a polite question, but they don't want to hear every detail.

Oh well, I ramble.

Best of luck to you! 

Nicolle

You so nailed it! I "try" to talk about it with certain individuals, as I know my family doesn't want to hear about it often. I like that they say, So how you doing with your weight loss. Still going good? I try to answer briefly and move on. There are some who SEEM a little jealous and I almost never mention it in front of them. But I so agree with what you said. For this reason and many others, I love this forum.

My DH has no choice. We're a gonna talk about it. Mainly when I reach "goals"! HEHEHE


Ruby

My husband is my biggest supporter.  He takes great care of me, puts my protein powder and my vits in a baggie for me each mornig. He helps keep track of the proteins I eat and never says I told you not to eat the slice of cake (from the store) when I ask him to get me the heating pad.  He also says he can't smell my farts.  We made it through the hormonal mood swings but I think he was just laughing at me during those time.  Now we are back to normal or at least the way we were before surgery.

The only draw back was in the begining I could not finish my steak so he would get some of it, now I can fini**** and he doesn't get the extra anymore.

Betty

The RNY dumping is what had me looking for alternatives too, amongst other things!

The only family members who would have had a problem with my choice to have surgery are ones I severed ties with long ago for being abusive. So the family I kept was actually very supportive. The only one who was on the fence was my father-in-law, who felt surgery was too extreme for a solution but he had no say in whether I had the surgery or not (that was 100% up to me). In seeing just how much weight came off and how healthy I am despite the fast drop, he has since changed his tune!

As for the spouse, nothing has changed, it's all good. He was always supportive, and I think the experience brought us closer. At the very least I feel my loyalty and love for him has etched to a fathomless depth.

My mother-in-law also has PCOS and IR like me, and she is overweight (and has been most of her life) but not to the point where her health or mobility is suffering. While I think she would benefit from WLS, she has a "this is the way god made me, this is how I'm going to stay" philosophy, and she's made a few comments that suggests she doesn't want me to loose any more weight even though I'm still overweight at this point. Luckily she's not pushy about it. When I mentioned that while I'm happy that I've lost so much so far, I didn't get the surgery to stay fat and that I intend to go all the way into a normal BMI range, she got the message and never mentioned anything about it again.

My mom is happy that I got the surgery, and happy that it's working since she saw me suffering with obsity since I was a child, and also happy that the weight loss will make it easier for me to give her a grandchild 

So I think those who will support your decision will always be behind you 100%. Those who disagree with surgery, but love you nevertheless will state their opinion, but still love you no matter what and when they see the weight come off they will realize it is not worth arguing about because in the end you're healthy!

My married life has improved 100%! We are closer now then ever. Not because of me not being 335lbs, but because I now live life WITH him!

He stayed at the hospital when I had my DS. He stayed when I had my complication. He is my very best friend.

He understands how the DS works. That is very important In my OPINION!!!

During that TOM I eat carby stuff. He gets on me and says, now don't eat too much of that, you absorb 100%. He's too cute! He is my biggest cheerleader! I love him so much. I make me special stuff and him special stuff. Whatever we're doing, it's working wonderfully!

You'll find your groove! Just gotta jump in with both feet. INCLUDE him in your journey! I think my husband loves my DS almost as much as me. Especially now that I've cut out white flour and found a great probiotic,lol!!

Good luck sweetie. Take this time you have pre op to research. Don't forget to visit   dsfacts.com and read read read!!!


Ruby