Marriage and the DS what to expect...

I got a divorce 1 year postop. My ex was not a terrible person and sometimes I feel guilty for leaving him as he has seemed depressed ever since (terribly messy house/not bathing regularly, etc.)...but I was so unhappy for most of our 20 years.  He didn't know how to show any affection whatsoever.  I craved love and affection.  I was married.  Had 3 kids.  But I was sooo lonely.

As I started losing weight, everyone had positive comments for me...but the one person that I wanted to hear compliments from never once said one positive thing to me.  Ever.  In fact, he made an ugly comment once about my loose skin on my arms (and I changed my blouse to cover it up as I was really embarrassed).  I wanted him to be proud of me.  But he didn't care one way or the other.  Like I said, not a terrible man...just not capable of giving me what I desperately needed...what I had told him I needed from him probably once a month for the final 10 to 15 years of our marriage.

I invited him to several support group meetings, but he always came up with one excuse or another not to go with me.

Hopefully you have a good strong marriage going into this.  When I had my psych consult before surgery, she addressed this issue (how many marriages end after WLS) and asked me how I felt about that.  I honestly told her, "Whether that happens to me or not, I still want WLS."  I knew in my heart of hearts that it was already over...that it had been over for years.  We lived like brother and sister for the last 6 years of our marriage.

I am glad I did this for me.  It was the right thing.  But it really is hard to hurt someone that you love...and I do love him--just not like a wife should love her husband.

It sounds like you really love-love your hubby and will not have any of these types of problems.

Felicia

I am sorry Felicia that your husband was not supportive. You took a chance in doing WLS for yourself! Good for you!

I'm pre-op DS but when I had my band in I was surprised at what it did to my marriage.  We were the "sickening" couple - never fight, very much in love.  We were college sweethearts, married 17 years and everything between us was great. 

Or so I thought.

When I started losing weight it exacerbated every single tiny issue like who's turn it was to do the dishes into mountainous problems.  He became really angry and combative and eventually looked up an old girlfriend and cheated on me.   4 years and lots of couples therapy later we realize that it changed both of us.  I became much less timid  and more secure and he became very insecure.  The affair was a pre-emptive strike at me because he was convinced I was going to leave him. 

To say that I'm nervous going into the DS is an understatement.  Things are great with us again but I can't help but wonder if it's because I've gained my weight back.  But I hope we have built a better foundation this time.  Time will tell.  The difference is I'm not afraid this time.  I love him and love our marriage but I'm not afraid of "doing it by myself".  I'm with him simply because I choose to be.

Just talk a LOT, spend time together and connect as often as you can (both emotionally and sexually).  And pray! 

You are strong Lynmarie. I don't know if I could forgive. I am glad it turned out though and you have worked out these problems. I think this time will be a stronger time around. With your previous experience and with therapy. Like you said I think its a stronger foundation to work from. Good luck:)

Thanks Danni.  You know, honestly, I was always the person who said that cheating is the one "non-negotiable" and that I could never forgive that.  But then when it happens to you, and you have kids involved in the family, you could be surprised by the reaction.  I originally only let him stay for the kids and we went to therapy only so that we could live in peace and co-exist until they were grown and out of the house.  But time heals a lot.  :)

Wikipedia...
"Alfred Kinsey found in his studies that 50% of males and 26% of females had extramarital sex at least once during their lifetime.^[23] Depending on studies, it was estimated that 26–50% of men and 21–38% women,^[24] or 22.7% of men and 11.6% of women had extramarital sex.^[6] Other authors say that between 20% and 25% of Americans had sex with someone other than their spouse.<sup>[25]"



A whole bunch of people who think they would NEVER forgive either forgive, or try to pretend they can't see it happening.</sup>

I am just flabbergasted that those are pretty high percentages! Divorce rates are way way up there too.

I've read that the percentage is now even higher for females, approaching the rate of males, as they are in the workforce in increasing numbers. 

I just cannot stress enough how much work and determination that took from the both of you to keep that marriage together. Lots and lots of work and strength.

Oh AMEN to that!  We have never worked harder at anything.  But it was worth it!