Hubby Super Supportive - Mother is total opposite.
I agree with all the advice given...but want to stress the legal advice. Doing this is NOT just for the DS. It would be for any surgery, a car wreck, heart attack..etc. It is for the "what ifs" in life.
As far as "mom" goes...dont tell her anything. NADA. Nothing. You can even make sure she cant bother you when you are in the hospital. Never take her to any appointment...doctor or test.
Offer no information to her and when she tries to bring it up...walk away. Period.
This is your life, your decision..and you have your hubby. Thats enough.
As far as "mom" goes...dont tell her anything. NADA. Nothing. You can even make sure she cant bother you when you are in the hospital. Never take her to any appointment...doctor or test.
Offer no information to her and when she tries to bring it up...walk away. Period.
This is your life, your decision..and you have your hubby. Thats enough.
Darlene DS ..9-19-06
OFFICIAL ANGEL
Kryst.......6-27-07
KellyKirk........8-6-07 now our DS FOREVER ANGEL....I will always remember
BettyBoop.....2-26-08
Jewel506...5-26-10
Ragamuffin...9-29-10
185# gone forever
How old are you? She insisted on coming to your consult, and she prevailed? She interfered in your personal and should have been private discussion with the surgeon? She has a hell of a nerve.
You have been given some great advice from people who were much more tolerant of your mother than I would be. I suspect you've tried to set those boundaries before, perhaps many times over, to no avail. It's clear than this unending (and trust me, it won't end) stream of negativity and attempts to induce guilt are disturbing to you, which is completely understandable.
So put an end to it!! Take control of the relationship. You can't change her, but you CAN change how you respond to her. Hang up the phone on those daily calls the moment she starts verbally clawing away at you. If you know who is calling and it's her, don't even pick up the phone. If she leaves a nasty message, delete without listening. You are under no obligation to listen to verbal abuse, not even from your mother. Get support where you can, like from that wonderful husband, and from the group here, from professional counseling if needed, etc. But unless I miss my guess, this is her modus operandi for how she has always gotten her way, not just on this issue, and it works for her and she isn't going to change.
Sorry for my own negativity here, but please understand that it's directed at your mother, not at you. You've made a great decision to improve your health and your quality of life. Anyone who would criticize you for that is not on your side, even if she is your mother.
Larra
You have been given some great advice from people who were much more tolerant of your mother than I would be. I suspect you've tried to set those boundaries before, perhaps many times over, to no avail. It's clear than this unending (and trust me, it won't end) stream of negativity and attempts to induce guilt are disturbing to you, which is completely understandable.
So put an end to it!! Take control of the relationship. You can't change her, but you CAN change how you respond to her. Hang up the phone on those daily calls the moment she starts verbally clawing away at you. If you know who is calling and it's her, don't even pick up the phone. If she leaves a nasty message, delete without listening. You are under no obligation to listen to verbal abuse, not even from your mother. Get support where you can, like from that wonderful husband, and from the group here, from professional counseling if needed, etc. But unless I miss my guess, this is her modus operandi for how she has always gotten her way, not just on this issue, and it works for her and she isn't going to change.
Sorry for my own negativity here, but please understand that it's directed at your mother, not at you. You've made a great decision to improve your health and your quality of life. Anyone who would criticize you for that is not on your side, even if she is your mother.
Larra
I am sorry that your mother is the way she is and that is nothing you can fix. All you can do is move on with your life and do what you need to do for you and your family. As I read your story, it reminded me of my own mother. Who I now have nothing to do with, its hard to cut off contact but if it is going to interfere with you taking care of yourself and doing what you think is the best thing for your health it just might be in your best interest to cut her out then maybe try again for a relationship with her once you are on the mend. The best thing I ever did for my own mental well being was to cut my mother out, I am not saying that it is the right thing for you only you know if that would be of benefit to you but its amazing how much more you can enjoy life when there is not that constant drama there.
Ms. Cal Culator
on 9/15/11 9:44 am - Tuvalu
on 9/15/11 9:44 am - Tuvalu
I'd just lie.
I'd tell her that she was right and I had seen the light and I'd changed my mind and I'd try diet and exercise for a bit longer.
And, I'd go have surgery.
And when she calls two days later to find out where you are, you just tell you changed your mind again.
You don't need the bull**** and the only way to shut her up--because she is convinced she's doing this to save your life--is to let her think she won.
You have all given me such good advice! I don't think I've ever had such a warm welcome on a message board before!
The long and short of it is this... we have to work together for my grandmother's sake. She and I are co-Power of Attorneys on grandmom's health and I have POA on her finances (along with an aunt who is an alcoholic/drug addict and out of the picture). SO, I must keep the peace. It's easier than dealing with her anger.
But some of your suggestions were so lovely and they made such great fantasies! LOL
I am definitely going to get a will drawn up and give the deets to the lawyer about the POA stuff, etc. I told her that's the route I'm taking and I was a very smart cookie... told her "for YOUR protection, I'm going to get a will drawn up, so no-one can take YOU to court over anything for grandmom... it's for YOU." All it took was hearing the word "YOU" once and she was onboard.
Thank you all so very much!!!
Much love,
Bettie Jean
The long and short of it is this... we have to work together for my grandmother's sake. She and I are co-Power of Attorneys on grandmom's health and I have POA on her finances (along with an aunt who is an alcoholic/drug addict and out of the picture). SO, I must keep the peace. It's easier than dealing with her anger.
But some of your suggestions were so lovely and they made such great fantasies! LOL
I am definitely going to get a will drawn up and give the deets to the lawyer about the POA stuff, etc. I told her that's the route I'm taking and I was a very smart cookie... told her "for YOUR protection, I'm going to get a will drawn up, so no-one can take YOU to court over anything for grandmom... it's for YOU." All it took was hearing the word "YOU" once and she was onboard.
Thank you all so very much!!!
Much love,
Bettie Jean
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