Hubby Super Supportive - Mother is total opposite.

Help. I am at a loss as to what to do. My surgery is scheduled for December 15th. My husband is behind me a billion percent, god love him! My bio-mom however, is completely and totally against this surgery and she lets me know, constantly.

She insisted on coming to my surgery consult and sniffled her way through the entire thing. Offered up info I didn't want the doctor or husband to know (not anything medical). And got in a huge fight with my hubs in the doctor's parking lot about after-care.

At least once a week she calls to tell me about her friend's friend who had "this surgery" and now they're in the hospital because they need a colostemy bag. Or this one wishes she had never done it. Or that one's mother died on the table.Take that and add it to her daily, "You do realize I don't want you to have this surgery, right?" To which my reply is always the same, "*huge sigh* Yes, Mother. You have made it abundantly clear."  Then for good measure, in a nasty tone, she says to me, "You had better not come crying to me once you regret this thing!"

The above is actually an improvement. Used to be whenever it was brought up, she would burst into tears and cry, "Why are you doing this to me???" Yeah, I know that doens't make any sense.

The latest kicker is that since I'm executrix of my grandmother's living trust and pay all of her bills, my mom said to me, "The day of your surgery you had better write me a check for the entire amount of your grandmother's account so if you die on the table I can still pay her bills."

I have tried talking to her about it in a reasonable manner. I've tried ignoring her and changing the subject. I have raised my voice and done everything except for smacking her upside the head. (I've been tempted, many, many, many, MANY times.)

So, any advice?

 
Mama Drama!  

I guess the way you deal with it depends on two things.  How is your relationship with her in general?  And, what do you really want from her?

If she has consistently been unreasonable, self-centered, manipulative and punitive (all the things I see in your description) your whole life, then she won't be changing any time soon.  If you want her in your life and/or to help you with this surgery, then her behavior comes with the territory.  

If you have been able to establish healthy boundaries with her in the past, then now's the time to do it.  Now is also a great time to try again if you haven't been successful in the past.  Sit her down, away from everyone else and stressors.  Look her in her eye.  Without anger and staying calm, tell her how you feel, not what she's done.  Ask her for what you want instead of what she's giving you.  For example, "Mom, instead of giving me all these horror stories about people with bad outcomes, I want you to either say nothing, or give me some encouragement."  Another example:  "Mom, let's have one final talk about why you don't want me to have this surgery, and then this needs to be the last time you're negative with me about it.  I am willing to hear your concerns, and I will respond to them, but after we're done talking here, we need to be on the same page and the same team."

What do you really want from her?  If you need her help post-op, then tell her that's what you need from her.  Tell her how you want it (no criticism!).  If you want her to support your decision as an adult, tell her that.  Get clear with yourself about what's important to you and why, and share it with her.

As far as your grandmother, my 2 cents is that I don't know how the assistant executor thing works, but you should have one for her.  I don't think it's an issue particularly for the surgery, but it IS an issue in general.  What if you run off to Tahiti and never come back? :-)  If she hasn't designated someone other than you, you may want to take care of that just for peace of mind.

One thing I've learned with a mom who's a handful is that I have to glean what I can from her, and respect her uniqueness, but I don't have to put up with her negativity, mind games and manipulation.  I will disconnect from her by phone and walk away from her where she stands respectfully but instantly if she pulls that with me.  She is learning to get the message pretty quickly, but as a consequence, we don't talk often.  When we do, it's great, and I'm glad to connect with her.

You'll learn as a DSer that boundary-setting is a big theme in our lives.  May as well start now.

I hope it all works out for you.

I like Nicole's advice. Make it very clear, if you do it that way, that this is the final conversation, and after she has voiced her concerns and you've done your best to answer any further questions she might have about the procedure, her choices are: 1) come on board and be a grownup about it , or 2) stay away.

If I were in your shoes and she didn't shut her toxic yap, I'd end contact until further notice. Who needs a selfish, obnoxious ***** around when you're trying to heal yourself?

Now with the trust thing, you DO need a secondary person, just like you need to have your will and miscellaneous other last wishes updated. Don't go into surgery with this undone, please. Make darned sure your grandmother's money is protected from your mother. Somehow I get the feeling that's necessary.

Cut her off till she learns how to behave.  Simple as that.  If you HAVE to have her in your life, learn to not let her opinions impact you as much.  I'm speaking from experience here. I say this through having therapy help me come to this conclusion in my own life.  I've been much happier.

make sure your living will is up to date with your wishes and who is in charge of executing it. you surly don't want your hub to be in that argument with mom. 
 and relax ,remember less than 1 percent have fatal outcomes.

I completely understand and I am anxious to let my mother know as well. She is a ball of fire! She is very opinionated and sometimes irrational. This is what I did…

So I figured the best way to get all my thoughts on the table was a letter. This way I can get all my information about the surgery in a positive way and explain to her exactly why I made this decision for myself. This allows me to put all my ideas, thoughts, and information out without any negative input or interruptions. I stressed how this is ‘my’ decision and I want only support. I stressed as well that I only wanted select people knowing about my surgery. I made it clear I did not want anyone sharing this information and go blabbing to other friends and/or family members about my personal choices. I also mentioned that I wanted my family to think a couple days on this letter before contacting me. Giving them time to think rationally and really have time to educate themselves in this matter. I actually mailed my letter to my ‘select’ family members today.

I know I will hear negative and I will hear positive but nothing is going to make me change my mind. BE FIRM! If she doesn’t listen to you, I would suggest asking for some distance from her. You do not need her emotional draining drama on you when you are healing. Also make sure all of your legal and financial life is taken care of before surgery.

Hope this helps. Good luck and hang in there!

Everyone's given great advice!

Sorry your mom is being a tool about things. If she doesn't shape up after a polite, but firm, confrontation I agree it is time to put some distance between you and her. It's healther to be without stressors like that.

I've been executrix twice on separate occasions for 2 separate people.  My recommendation, as others have stated here: Get proper legal advice and make sure that you can delegate your grandmother/money trust responsibilities to a person, in the event of incapacitation and make sure it's in WRITING!!  Did I mention... MAKE SURE IT'S IN WRITING :)

Your mother sounds like a royal drama queen, who's more interested in her feelings than anyone elses.  This IS the type of person who would go to all ends to interfere and circumvent your authority there.   You have a responsibility to get all your affairs in order before surgery.  It's not an option, it's a must.

As for the relationship with your mother.  Time to put your big girl shorts on.  Stop looking for approval.  You are over 21.  What you DO to YOUR body is YOUR decision.  Either she gets on the train or she gets left at the station.  

 Everyone gave such great advice, and they are spot-on.    I am assuming that since you referred to her as your "bio-mom," that she did not raise you - that you have an adoptive mom too?     If this is the case, it sounds like she has some pre-existing issues that she has carried in to your relationship.    I will assert again that you MUST MUST MUST set loving but firm boundaries with this woman.     You do not owe her a reason as to why you are having this surgery.    You have your husband's support, and truly, as an adult in an adult relationshp, that's the support that counts.
She is clearly maniupulating (or attempting to) you - you do know that, correct?

Good luck to you.

You have gotten some great advice above, but I wanted to mention one more thing--
Don't take her to any more doctor's appointments or meetings. They are for you, and you need to be able to focus.
The easiest way to avoid taking her to an appointment is to never mention it to her.

By the way, it sounds you are very lucky in your very supportive husband.

I'm wishing you a great surgery and recovery experience.