Let the flaming begin

THank you so much Lori. You are one of the very sweetest people on here. I posted earlier, but I was abused as a very young child sexually, and all throughout my childhood emotionally (which hurts more than physically), as well as physically. Food has been my solace as far back as I can remember. I feel much better today, and much stronger, and I appreciate your honesty with me. It helps to know that I am not the only one who struggles, no matter how far out we are. I am not abused now. I am to mean to allow it. If anything, I am the abuser (not really, but I was an emotional abuser for a very long time) My husband has been the best thing to ever happen to me, aside from my boys of course. Thank you so much for your sweet reply.

Emile,

You don't need any of us to flame you--you are doing a good job of beating yourself up. What worries me is that you are eating in secret because of the guilt and shame you associate with eating. I really hope that you will consider seeking seeing a psychotherapist who deals with eating disorders. If you have any abuse in your past, you will want the psychotherapist to specialize in that as well--most of the ones who deal with abuse also are very familiar with eating issues, since they often go hand in hand.

There is a great book out there that deals with childhood sexual abuse, The Courage to Heal. I am not saying that you were abused, I am just putting this info out there just in case. I used this book in conjunction with therapy and it really helped.

I would argue that your belief that the DS will really work this time is what is driving your behavior. If you truly believed that the DS would ultimately fail you, you wouldn't need to try and sabotage yourself to the point of pain.

Above all, I want to encourage you to believe that you are worthy of happiness. You deserve to be healthy and joyful. The food is just a symptom of something far more dark and controlling than weight. The DS jut deals with the absorption of food. You should look at using talk therapy to heal the malabsorption of self-worth in your mind.

If abuse is in your past please remember, you were the victim. The abuse was not your fault and you are not to blame.

Thank you so much Stephanie. Your post gave me much to think about. I have never read a book about that particular subject. It really sickens me to think of what happened to me. I thought I was over it, but I don't know. I will read the book though, maybe it will help me understand what I am feeling and why. I am getting in with my counselor now, but will be looking for one who deals with childhood abuse, and eating disorders as well. Thanks for your kindness, and advice.

Emilie,
There's nothing more I can add that hasn't already been said by the previous posters. You have been given some very good advice. I just wanted to say that please don't ever feel like you are in this alone. We are always here for you to listen and to offer support. Today is a new day and your DS is so very forgiving. I hope you can get this turned around with some good therapy. I'm cherring you on! Big hugs {{{{{{{Emilie}}}}}}}

Today was a new day. I feel much better. Thank you so much Renee. To know so many people are caring for me, and thinking of me.....I just can't put it into words.

So much good advice has been given to you already I can't add to it.   You do need to see a therapist, it will help.  I agree with all of that.

But I'm posting to let you know that I'm there for you, pulling for you.  Take care of yourself.  Learn how to love yourself so you don't hurt yourself.  It isn't about failure or success, it's about doing what is right for you.  Just like you love and nurture your children, you have to do the same thing for yourself.

I don't feel you owe it to me or anyone else to be a success.  It isn't about that, it isn't about ruining our statistics.  It's about YOU, a human being, who is where we all have been.  No one wants you to derail because losing one person is a tragedy, and we have all been through too much to have any more pain. 

I'm praying for you.  xo

Linda

Thank you so much Linda. Prayers are always welcome. Thank you. Lots of love.

Hi Tara, I did talk to Dr. Hares Nurse today, and made an appt w/ my counselor. Thank you so much for your support, I feel so, so much better, and I know it is because I came clean, and all the kind responses I have recieved.

You are on an excellent road to killing yourself, since you have a Valtrac ring. I'm serious. Your life is in danger. Are you WANTING to die? Are you suicidal? Because you sound that way to me. You need to get yourself to a safe place immediately. How about into the hospital for a while?

In other words, you don't just need therapy in the usual "need" sense. This is a life and death matter, and if you cannot get yourself safe on your own, you need to get somewhere right NOW where you can be safe.

You were very brave to write about this. Now take the next step and get yourself safe. Then you can look at some of the "whys" behind it. It's almost impossible to look at the "why" stuff if you aren't safe.