Let the flaming begin

GOOD JOB EMILIE!!!

xox
Tammy

p.s. Promise, some point later down the road those comfort foods will find their way back into your life.....you're not giving them up forever, just taking a break. YOU CAN DO THIS! 

I concur with the therapist idea.   I, too, am amazed that you could eat that much, and one would think that the after-effects would be a large enough deterrant, but this sounds bigger than you.

I'm hoping regular, honest contact w/ Jackie (Dr. Hares nurse), the boards, and counseling will work out. I am feeling much, much stronger today, and went grocery shopping, which cheered me up. I now have yummy food, instead of packets of plain cream of wheat, and chicken broth sitting in my cupboard.

A full pantry and fridge makes me happy, too.  I also went grocery shopping last night.  I love the sight of a fresh tub of ricotta cheese.

 You don't deserve to be abused or hurt. Seriously. There are some who make poor food choices at this stage, just because they're trying to get nutrition anyway way they can and they simply don't care at this point. That's clearly not you or your case. You're more than aware of what's going on and I just wish you so much love during this journey darling. You deserve it. I'm going to bookmark this thread, because posts here are just so amazing and necessary to carry into the future. You may want to think about bringing your husband into one of your meetings with your therapist, down the road. It can only help to have an interpreter tell him the truth of the matter in a way that will be therapeutic, honest and safe for you. He has to stop. It is a form of abuse and you don't need that **** right now, Darling. This DS is hard enough. Be well! 

THanks Sia you sweet thing. Be well to you to. Feeling 20 times stronger today. Can't believe how much better I feel after baring my soul here.

 This group will do it to you. They'll save you if you let them! You deserve much happiness, run after it and hold on to it, Darling.! 

Emilie,

Wow honey, I know it was really hard for you to put this out here.  Honesty about the situation is only the beginning.  I am shocked you are able to eat this much so early out, though it's possible that the nerves just aren't quite working to tell you that you're full yet.  You're going through a lot but so is your body.  I suspect that any day now that your nerves will be properly sending satiety signals to your brain so that you don't hurt yourself anymore.

I haven't read past BT's amaaaazing response, but I want to tell you about something I've been thinking about myself a lot lately.  I briefly read that you were abused as a child.  Is there anyone in your life still abusing you now?  You don't have to say here, I'm just giving you some things to think about.  I was sexually abused as a child, and no one is abusing me in my life now.  NO ONE.  Sometimes abuse victims "crave" (weird I know) the abuse because it is what we have been taught is "normal."  We KNOW it's not normal, but in the years we were forming opinions and habits, we were being abused so it unfortunately became what we knew.  As adults, when the abused person isn't being abused they can self-abuse with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it.  I believe this may be what you are doing.  I know that I have done it, even as a post op.  It's the reason I became fat to begin with.  I have recently opened my eyes to this and started really looking at the WHY I'm doing certain things.  There are times that I throw all caution to the wind and I will really pig out on foods that I KNOW are going to hurt my body.  I know they may give me diarrhea, I know they are going to give me gas, I KNOW they are going to hurt, and I think that I MUST have that food, so I eat it.  It's NOT about the food, it's about abusing my body.  Nobody else is doing it to me, so from time to time I catch myself doing it to myself.  Sick, oh yeah.  I DO NOT DO THIS OFTEN, and I'm now VERY mindful to not sabotage and abuse myself this way.  I have not been in therapy, but it's coming....soon.  Just a couple of days ago I ate FIVE waffle cones with Oberweis ice cream.  I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HURT, I didn't stop myself, I just did it.  Know what?  No issues came from it at all.  NO gas, NO diarrhea...it was such a relief!  Not tempting fate again soon for sure, but I still slip up from time to time.  I walk the straight and narrow most all of the time.  I eat meats, cheeses, whole wheat bread-pasta-crackers, protein shakes, eggs, veggies, fruits....things that I know are not going to hurt.  But I am human and I will slip from time to time, I know this about myself.  I try to be forgiving of myself when I slip, re-evaluate and move on.  I refuse to abuse my body on purpose anymore.  I'm certain I will forever have food demons, but I'm working on the mental stuff surrounding it.  Now I just have to find a therapist who's ready for the depth of my issue!  LoL!

Hang in there honey.  Call your therapist.  Find a new one if your present one doesn't help.  Find things that make you happy and try to figure out how to stop abusing yourself with food.  Lean on us, I'm just a pm away.  And if you want to talk live, send me a pm and I'll give you my number.  We can be here for each other.  This issue seems much deeper than food itself.  It's not too late to stop the poor food choices and stop sabotagging yourself.  I'm so glad you shared this here.  PLEASE do NOT go through this alone.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Hugs,

Lori

"I refuse to abuse my body on purpose anymore. "

That's the most important thing.   And the more pain that you bring into consciousness, the more you are able to make that choice and allow it to heal.  

--BT

Emilie,

About 8 years ago I realized I was punishing myself with food.  I was stuffing myself until it hurt.  No one was sexually abusing me any more and I figured I deserved that.  I deserved to be in pain and uncomfortable.  I'd chosen good things in my life - so I had to find abuse somewhere and it was coming from me:  from eating until it hurt.

This surgery is such an enormous identity change.  Your behavior makes sense. 

These things are so complicated and you are getting a huge amount of support and great thoughts here.  There are layers and layers of shame that come with a life of abuse.  We also blame ourselves that our bodies crave carbs after surgery....mind does!  I want carbs BAD right now because my body is thinking 'what the hell are you doing to me?'  So one more layer that you have control over is to stop equating what your body WANTS with a lack of will-power on your part.  It's not your fault your body is craving food.  That's totally natural. 

It is, however, your responsibility to figure out why you continue to punish yourself when the repercussions  are painful.

Take a deep breath.  With the kind of courage you just showed by posting this?  You're gonna be ok.

Big hugs.