Let the flaming begin

Thanks Tammy. Your point about disrespecting my loved ones and my surgeon......that hit a sore spot. You are absolutely right.

aww.. you missed a big point...

You're also disrespecting YOURSELF!  It's time to start caring about YOU now.  And food isn't gonna love you the same way back it used too. Not anymore. 

Yes, that's true.  It is hard to love yourself when you are really disgusted with yourself. It is going to be a hard thing to do, I have never really cared for myself. I can see food isn't loving me back. I'm not getting those happy hormones anymore. I feel like **** that's what it does now.

**Hijack**

Tammy!!!  I guess I did not realize you had DS surgery after your last son was born.  I remember being with you on the post-op pregnancy board!!!
Hard to believe my son is already 3!!!!

Take Care
-Jamie in Alaska..... (where we hunt moose)

Hey Jamie!

Yep, i had revision surgery 2 weeks before Kayden turned 2. I was DONE with my surgery induced bulemic  choke chain.  LOL.  

BEST thing I ever did.  

But just so you know, I don't care how much protein is in Moose, Im NOT eating it.  Ever. LOL.

xox
Tammy

It sounds to me like you're having Last Meal syndrome.    Like somehow you think you'll never ever ever be able to have those things again, so you're sneaking food.  

Do you need therapy?   Yes.

Should you tell the Doctor/Nurse?  Yes

Are you sabotaging yourself?   Yes and no.  

There is a part of you that is terrified, because you are literally getting rid of "you".....or at least that outer resemblance of you that you've come to know and love (or hate).     So you're actually eating to SURVIVE.....you're sabotaging that interloper who has the audacity to take over your life, to put you in all these scary situations where you have to be...skinny?   pretty?   sexy?    NORMAL??     You're trying to keep 'the fat girl' from dying and going away.    Because without that identity, who are you?    What are you? 

Were you ever abused as a child?   It is not uncommon for women who have a history of emotional and/or sexual abuse to be threatened by the weight loss.    They were exposed early in life to harmful situations and partially blamed themselves.   They wrapped themselves in a blanket of fat, which protected them from people.......and WLS takes that protection away.    So now they are threatened with the prospect of having to deal with all that ugly old history that's had years to rot and ferment.   

If this is you, realize that you've had time to mature, and that you're stronger now than you were then.   You CAN deal with it, and move on.   It may be stressful, painful, exhausting and make you feel more vulnerable than you have in years - but it can also heal you, and help you to recover, finally.

BTW - the foods you are eating are NOT that bad.   It's the shame and the hiding that are the problem.     If you cannot find a good therapist, or do not have insurance that covers therapy, reach out to your local doctor and see if there are options that work on a sliding scale.  If you still cannot find an option you can afford, check out Overeaters Anonymous.   They deal with the food addiction side of obesity.    But true therapy is better.  

--BT

I was abused, both ways. But, I just can't wrap my head around that thought that this is my protection. I am disgusted at what I have become, would I really be doing this on purpose? It just doesn't make sense. Since I was a little girl, food was my comfort. I never went down the alcohol path, the drug path, the sex path, whatever addiction path. I have always turned to food. And now, I find myself ripped away from it very suddenly, and I am so lonely......

I do have a counselor, poor guy, he has so many issues to work on w/ me. But I am calling tomorrow to put this front and center. I can't stand the thought of not being a failure. Again.

Pick up The Woman's Comfort Book.    It will help to teach you healthier ways to comfort yourself.      Food *is* your friend, your comforter, your sanctuary, and like any place of worship, it needs to be treated with reverence.   It sustains you, it gives you life and love, prosperity and happiness.   It is god's gift to you, feeding your body and soul.     Respect it by savoring and appreciating each bite.    

Yes, you really could be doing this on purpose.  In fact, you ARE doing it on purpose.   The big question is why.   That's where therapy comes in.      

Based on what I know and have seen,  heavy people who were traumatized by abuse in their childhood learned several lessons they have to unlearn.    They are false, but they appear to be true.

They learned that people are dangerous and it's safer to be alone.    This is partially true - SOME people are dangerous, and it's safer to avoid them.   The fallacy is in using this to keep ALL people away.     They learned that sexuality is dangerous, because their sexuality was not respected.  

Some go the path of disrespecting their own bodies through food/sex addiction, and some try to avoid the whole subject by becoming less sexually attractive through obesity.    The truth is that sexuality is *powerful*, and sexual abuse/rape/molestation is not about sexuality - it's about power.   It's about someone bolstering their low self-esteem at your expense.   

Abuse victims can have difficulty setting boundaries because their boundaries were violated, and they don't know where is the appropriate line.     They often err to the extreme - either being passive-aggressive, and letting people walk all over them, or being rigid to the point of zero tolerance.    This is especially true if the abusers gave you mixed messages - tell you they loved and cared for you while robbing you of your innocence, hopes and dreams. 

When the weight is lost, you attract more sexual attention - and not all of it is respectful and kind.     If your early lessons in sexuality were tainted by abuse, you may not have learned how to handle this.     When the same cop who wrote you a ticket without thinking suddenly gives you a warning because you're more attractive, it can make you angry.   What the hell?    The disrespectful treatment you got before is suddenly highlighted, and you learn just how many perks there are for pretty women......and not just from men.     Waitresses and sales people give you more attention, too.    Anger and the other stages of grief are not uncommon. 

It can be disconcerting, throw you off balance, and make you feel suddenly vulnerable again.    Change is stressful - even good change - and you have to relearn how to live.    And I mean EVERYTHING.    You walk differently because your center of gravity changes.   You shop in different stores.   Your shoes fit differently.   Your rings fall off.    Your face changes.   People relate to you differently.     Your body shifts and changes shape.   It suddenly does weird things.  

You find yourself feeling fragile and exhausted because there's no routine anymore.    It's like moving to a new city - you have to find a new mechanic, plumber, dry cleaner, babysitter, grocery store, sub shop,  vacuum cleaner repair shop, Chinese food place, bus stop, new job, new friends, new church.     You can't even get a stupid haircut because you don't know who to go to.   You've got great prospects here, but everything takes more work because you haven't been here long enough.   That town is the DS.   

And you wouldn't have to do any of that.......if you could just stay with the status quo.....ie, stay fat.

Sure, your old town had some issues.    But it's FAMILAR and you know where everything is.   You might have to bang twice on the dash to get the radio to work, but you know EXACTLY where to hit it.     And the dry cleaner never gets your stuff back on time, but you've learned that when they say Saturday, they really mean next Tuesday.    That's your old life.   Not perfect, but you'd developed your workarounds.   

You didn't really FIX any of your issues - you just learned how to deal with them.   And it was never going to get any better....Until now.    And instead of getting out the yellow pages, you're desperately trying to 'go home'. 

For you, those 'yellow pages' are therapy.   Getting to know yourself, your body, your mind in this new life.    Explore it.    A therapist is your Welcome Wagon, steering you in the direction of good choices and decisions, and warning you what to avoid. 

--BT

 seriously... thanks for posting that. =)