Let the flaming begin

Because, believe me, I know I deserve it. Do you know what I just did? I ate 4 chips ahoy cookies. 4. I feel like **** My stomach hurts, I have heartburn, I am nauseous and want to throw up.

I have not been following my diet. I am supposed to be on just mushies and liquids, I have had a PB and J sandwich, I have had cheese and crackers, I have had bites of chicken, chicken pot pie, bites of hubbies bologna sandwich (though he made me spit it out into his hand when he realized, I am not even joking) I have had some mac and cheese, some tuna helper, some potato salad, bites of sausage, 2 sausage links, bites of spaghetti, bites of cheeseburger.

I wait until my husband goes to bed, and than I eat.

What the holy hell is wrong with me. These things make me ill!!! The next day I have terrible cramping and diarrhea, I feel like hell after I eat it, and I still eat it!!! And how am I eating this stuff? How can I eat a whole PB and J sandwich?

I am so ashamed of myself, and don't know what to do.

I have poured it all out on the table, and exorcised my demons. WHAT is wrong with me? I don't get it. I don't understand myself. I have no excuses for myself, other than.......nothing.

Please somebody help me, has anyone else done this, what did you do, do you think I need to tell Dr. Hares Nurse about it? Do you think I need therapy? I have been so damn fat for so damn long, and never believing it will change, well how in the hell would it when I make myself sick after going through an extremely painful procedure, and not barely 2 weeks out I am sabatoging it.

This is a cry for help guys. I know I need tough love, I know people like me are so irritating to DS peeps, because I might be one of those who is a failure story, by my own making, thereby being a poor testament to the DS.

I really don't know what is wrong with me, and I need some encouragement, some tough love, some advice.......

Are you seeing a therapist?  Some of us really need these sessions, they help with more than one thinks, especially post WLS.  Many have underlying issues following surgery and need the help.  If your not seeing one, get one and let them help.

I do, but not on a regular basis. I am thinking I better give him a call tomorrow.

For me the next morning is so bad i don't want that food again but remember this surgery is NOT a quick fix. It doesn't fix out head or our desire for these foods!!! Your human, you make mistakes!! IT HAPPENS. All you can do it learn from it and not let it happen again. Want a cookie? Have 1 then grab some protien to fill up on :) No touch love here I'm in your boat to but i can't eat those things (I could kill someone with my smell if I did lol)

I have to admit I wouldn't mind killing my food nazi hubby...... Thanks for the love, not being tough. Glad I am not alone.

"I have to admit I wouldn't mind killing my food nazi hubby......"

Could this be part of the problem?  I haven't read all of the replies yet - but this stands out to me from what I've read so far.  When someone tells me what to do - I almost always do the opposite and I HATE it when my husband tells me I should or shouldn't do X Y or Z....especially when it comes to food.  I  am the one who had the surgery, I am the one who's done the research and I am the one who is in control of my body so don't tell me what I should or should not do.

I have been doing fairly well post op with food - but that's not to say that I haven't indulged every so often.  I've had a bite of mac and cheese - but I don't have more than one or two when it's something that's really not good for the new lifestyle.  I don't beat myself up about it because that would just make it worse.  I've also tried to find things to replace the stuff that I enjoyed pre op.  For example, I was a big ice cream lover prior to surgery.  Now I'm eating frozen yogurt...it's really tasty and not nearly as bad as ice cream.  Plus, now with the little stomach I can't eat too much of it.

Now, I'm quite a bit farther out than you are - you're only 2 weeks out - so it's a bit different.  I'd definitely call your surgeon and see if there is something that they can suggest...is their a psychologist on file that you can talk to there?  Someone who is experienced with the DS or WLS and the particular stuff that goes along with it?  Sounds like some therapy could help you as it sounds like you're a self sabotger (I am too)....and some cognitive behavioural therapy may be helpful.

Good luck!

Hi Cheri, we cleared things up about hubbies in my other thread, but, yeah, I imagine that wasnt' helping. I bought myself some frozen yogurt tonight :) I went grocery shopping determined to find stuff that I could eat, that wouldn't send me to the peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches. I was quite pleased by all the stuff I brought back!!

I would second what Colene said. I think a therapist would help. As you pointed out yourself, you're self-sabotaging--and it looks like a good bit--and you need to find someone who can help you get at the root of that. It can be a difficult thing, and a trained professional will help you much more quickly than mucking about trying to control your behavior and failing repeatedly. I'm not saying you are a failure! But if you're eating to the point of physical distress, and can't stop, you aren't going to be able to win this battle alone.

Good luck to you hon. I hope you will check in soon and let us know you found some help. Swinging critters for you, too.

Thanks Jenn, I really appreciate it. I know I am a mess, I have been way to embarrassed to fess up on the boards. I am actually wanting to go to bed, but I have this horrible chips ahoy rock in my stomach, with a nice aftertaste of heartburn.

First....congrats on having the smarts to know you are being an ass.

Second...congrats on having the balls to admit it here.

Third......grab your balls, pull your head out of your ass and STOP SABATOGING YOURSELF! Do you really think that little of yourself?  Do you disrespect yourself, your surgon, your family that much that you mentally give them the finger everytime you stuff more **** in your mouth?

What the **** is wrong with you?

You are holding onto food cuz you are scared.  LET IT GO!  Stop with this self imposed failure mentality and get your act together. 

ok, this is as mean as I have the right to get. Cuz trust me...BEEN THERE DONE THAT!  And it took some harshness from a few others here to make me stop sabatoging myself too.  

We can ***** insult, beg, plead, reason all we want....but in the end it's YOU that has to decide and make the committment to treat your new body with more respect.  This isn't something you can wean off of...your healing depends on you quitting cold turkey.  YOU HAVE TO DO THIS NOW!  Or you will pay dearly for it.  Do you want to learn the hard way?

Get whatever help you need IRL...call your dr, a friend, a loved one, your hubby...BUT GET HELP! And don't even try to rationalize it.  Cuz excuses dont' make the pain go away.

xox
Tammy