I can't believe this...

My x just called and said "the first isn't good for me, change it" Our agreement was that if vacation plans were made that we didn't want to have interrupted, that we tell teh other person as soon as they are made... only common sense... noooooo he didn't tell me, I've lost my chance at surgery before having to redo all the preliminary stuff if I give up this date... I won't do it. I told him he can just take the kids with him on vacation. What an ass... he keeps saying things like "It's elective surgery that you're having because you're too lazy to do it on your own... change the date.." like hell I will, I've been telling him for months about this, keeping him updated, etc... he only calls me when HE wants something... and ya know what else... he probably made these plans AFTER I called to tell him of my surgery date because he doesn't want the kids... like a couple hours a day (2) is going to ruin his life. I'm sorry to rant at you like this... but I'm suddenly with a HUGE problem. I can easily handle the girls, they're old enough to be of help, but my son is still in diapers and I can not have him kicking me during a diaper change, and I can't lift him in and out of the van, and I can't lift him in and out of the tub... you get the point. If I give up this date, I'm put on a 6 month waiting list and have to restart... he refuses to understand that. Not only that, but he has the kids for that long weekend anyway... I told him he should just work on finding alternate help for the days he has his money spent already... I really can't imagine why I ever loved that man sometimes... I'm sorry for the rant... I'm going nuts... Oh, mom, angels, those who know me... anyone willing to help me on weekends that the kids are with me with child care? My youngest is still in diapers and I can't lift him or carry him or change him (he kicks for mommy to "play" but is usually still for others) I am trying to make it so I don't have to have one person here for two full weekends helping out if at all possible. I don't think that would be fair to anyone... but I do know I'll need the help. Thanks again for letting me rant... Rachel

Rachel, Reality Check. I hate to burst your bubble. Ex's shouldn't be counted on as support for major surgery. Consider it his loss of an oppurtunity to be with his kids. 1st. You are gonna need family and friends to support you for the 1st month at least. You won't be able to drive for the 1st 2 weeks. 2nd. If you have to use the Ex, ask him what weeks are available and will suit him, then schedule the surgery day. 3rd. Explain the situation to Misty at CHRIAS. She can probably can give you another day that will work for you, you shouldn't have to wait 6 months for a 2nd date. Otherwise seek help from elsewhere. I don't have little ones so I don't know for sure and of course everyone is so different, maybe some of the girls with kids will respond about their limitations and how they dealt with the kids so that you will rest easier. I was soooo energized post-surgery, nothing kept me down. My hubby still can't figure out what they did with the lady he dropped off at the hospital. He accused them of sending a different one home. . Good luck. Try to remain focused and positive. I'll say a little prayer for you and God will work it out for you. From a person that had to deal with an Ex, who was self-centered, unreasonable and un co-operative. It'll never end either. Unfortunatley, this will stay with you and the kids always. ((HUGS)) Elissa

Hi Elissa, I had told him about the surgery, and our parenting agreement actually has major recoveries like this covered, blah blah annoying legal paperwork crap... anyway, he knew it was coming up, that it was going to be September sometime, and everything else... I had arranged for evreything, he said yes he'd take them before and after work and tuck them in (at my place, he doesn't want to cramp his style too much) and take them to school in the morning etc... it was all worked out, until the date came... But, I finally won the battle. I agreed to arrange for weekend care for "my" weekends with the kids to assist me (which I have been working on anyway, just not sure if family is going to do it yet or if friends are or what... still working out the list of available times and dates etc...) and he's going to arrange for before and after daycare/school times for the weekdays that he's leaving me high and dry... since he had told me before he was going to do it. I'm not giving this idiot a chance to back out of a promise... besides... he's suposed to take them for 5 weeks over the summer vacation anyway (not necessarily consecutively) and he thinks that he deserves a vacation although all he does is lie to people and supposedly work. lol... sorry, the man tried to convince me at first that he couldnt' do this because he was working... amazing how when he realized I wasn't buying it that he opened up and admitted a vacation... oh wow... AFTER he lost the battle... I'm so amazed that I ever married the man! No clue what I was thinking... oh, right, he hadn't let his evil twin out of the bag yet... he was still tryin to be mr charming! LOL I'm in a better mood now, thanks. I am looking forward to being on the losing side of things and glad that he's finally understanding the error of his ways and trying to make it right by arranging child care to cover for his bad timing... i am so shocked that he didn't think sept 1 qualified as september though, that's hte part that amazed me... was telling him from the start that it looked like september... oh well. Hugs Rachel

Well this stumps me and typically I am willing to jump in and help when I can. It looks like back surgery may be in my near furture so I can't commit to help you with the baby. Now, if we find out I don't have to have surgery, I'll know Tuesday then I'm sure there is a weekend where I can volunteer for you. But don't give up! And don't give up on that ex either. I've never had one but I know some can be huge PITAs. Especially where there is no love lost in a divorce. What about grandparents? Are his parents near? Can't they help him out? I hate to see children caught in the middle of such things. It is sad. But I am proud of you for continuing to march on. It will all work out Rachel. I promise. Gigee

Hi Gigee, My mom and dad live 2 hrs away, so do my sisters... but my sister, mom and aunt are trying to work something out to help for at least the first weekend... we're not totally sure how to manage that yet but we're working on it. My friend Sarah is working on helping out too, she just needs dates and times (and will probably be the best bet for Sat night bathtime since my kids have already been bathed by her when I couldn't kneel after my knee injury... they know her and trust her). I'm gonna find something that will work, and it will happen and I'm too stubborn to give up... Yes, my X is a PITA, he's full of lies and full of bitterness, but that doesn't mean he's not responsible for these children. He keeps insisting that if he pays child support that he deserves to see the kids... well... here ya go! And the state's basic guides for visitation say that the non-custodial parent has a right to 5 weeks of time with the children round the clock with the other parent having visitation... ya know what? He keeps saying he wants to follow those guidelines for visitation, that would mean he can do this too... What does he think single parents do when they work, not stay home all day, they drop the kids at daycare (oh, wow, they are already enrolled and it's paid for already!) and then pick them up on their way home... His parents are not really an option, they're in Lancaster and well, they've said to me that if he were to die they'd have nothing more to do with the children. In fact, they've gone so far as to avoid giving the children Christmas gifts that might make their way to my house (like clothing etc...) because they want me to have nothing from them. They are bitter ugly people... I don't need them in this process in any way. In the morning I'm going to church, I'm in the singles group there and I'll mention to them that I'm having surgery and could use some help with the children on weekends and give them my email address... I'm gonna make this happen... don't know how, but I will. :D Huggles Rachel PS Please let me know about your back... You get that taken care of before you even think of helping me okay??? I won't take help from someone *****ally can't offer it realistically, but I'll take help in the form of friendship, which doesn't matter if you're having surgery or not... but if you do have it, let me know when and I'll be there if possible!

Rachel, I agree totally with Elissa. I was a single mom, working full time and going to college at night for 5 years before I got married. I never counted on Chelsea's father for anything. We do have a terrific relationship now and switch weekends & weekdays when needed, but I'm the one that takes care of her 90% of the time and that's just fine with me. Your oldest girl is of kindergarden age and your next one is old enough for pre-school and the "baby" is 2 and can be potty trained. You don't have to "lift" him from the tub. Hold his hands and help him out and bending over to bathe him will benefit you the most. Bending gets rid of the gas better than just walking. The first time I unloaded & reloaded my dishwasher, I burped for an 1/2 hour after. It is such a relief! Most churches have wonderful pre-school programs that don't cost much and Kindergarden is free in public schools. You can choice your daughter into almost any school in the county. Pick the closest and best-qualified one in your area. The docs tell you that you might need 6 weeks off from work. That's the average adjustment stage for the new pouch. It's also gives you time to get on solid foods before you go back to work. Honey, you don't have a job, so you don't have the added stress of eating something and dumping on it while you're at work. This journey will be much easier for you. Explain things to your girls, simply and undramatically. Believe me, they will want to "nurse" mommy. They will want to help you and make you better. Take advantage of this willingness to help and start training them in basic housework. They're old enough to clean their own room and pick up after themselves and Donny is too, he's just not going to do it without constant supervision. If he's still in a crib, I have a toddler bed that takes a crip mattress in my attic that you can have if you want. Chelsea will now Dust and vacuum for me if I ask and has been making her bed and picking up her room since she could walk. I made it a game, we would sing while cleaning. Now she does her room every monring before she goes to school or out to play. And like Elissa, I have had tons of energy since the surgery! Believe me, you will be pleasntly surprised at the difference in you as we were in ourselves. Dee

Hi Dee... Donny is TRYING to potty thing... but hasn't gotten the concept yet... I'm not ready to hold my breath about it yet since he's a stubborn little boy... lol... The girls help me load the dishwasher, rinse their milk cups, bathe themselves (with help only for hair) they even got them selves out of the tub, cleaned up their toys and rinsed their washcloths and hung them up for me tonight (will wonders never cease), wrapped themselves with towels and waited patiently for me to finish getting Donny into jammies (he was NOT cooperating)... Yeah Donny is still in a crib, that's my big problem with him, that and once he's in a regular bed, keeping him IN that bed... He already climbs in and out of the crib at will and climbs up into his sister's bunk... that's why I'm not sure I can handle no help during those times... i won't be able to pull him down form the top bunk and put him back to bed. Dave has money for a bed for him here (twin) but hasn't delivered it yet (or asked to borrow the van so he can)... we were "working together" on this and bought a stacked bunk bed set instead of a single bed for the same price that way we have one at his place for Donny and one at my place... made sense at the time. The state is covering day care costs for the children for daytime hours... but that still won't let me drive to and from to pick them up... at least, not for the first 2 weeks... and once again, daddy baby's Donny so I can't get him to get into and out of the car seat by himself, although he does at least climb into the van on his own now... I'm trying to figure this out still... but not letting up on Dave... he should realize by now that I'm not taking the lazy way out and that this is for my health... or maybe that I'm willing to push for him to keep his word to me... that was always a problem for him for some reason LOL Oh well, I'm gonna make this work and am NOT postponing my surgery for that idiot... He has the kids that weekend anyway, worst case scenario, I have to lift kids too soon... yikes that sounds bad... but I'm going to have this and not letting his selfishness and saying he needs a vacation when he has off every night if he wants it to get in my way. Hugs Rachel

Sounds like you got a little monkey there! LOL The way I trained Chelsea was that I had a clear glass jar. I filled it full of her favorite candy at the time (candy corn or twizzler bites) and put it on the shelf above the toilet where she could see it. Every time she went potty on the toilet she got a piece of candy (two for #2). She was trained in a week, just wore pullups at night for about a month after that, then for the next year she wore the regular training pants. A few accidents, but that's par for the course. Maybe try some kind of reward system for him climbing in the car seat (while you watch of course!) on his own. Or if he's big enough, I have a booster seat you can use. It's a full seat that the car seat belts fit over, has a cup holder and everything. I think they have to be like 30 or 40 pounds up to 80 pounds. Chelsea has ADHD and goes to the behavior clinic at AI and they taught me to use the reward system for all her good behaviors. Really made a difference in our lives! Don't worry about driving. I've been driving since Thurs and could've done it sooner. I took my last dose of codene Monday. Nothing pulls, or is sore at all. I think they don't want you driving while on the codene (can't says I blame them). Heck, Janice Galloway had her surgery on a Wed, got home on Fri, and went back to work that following Monday. Technically, I've been well enough to work this week. I've been trapsing all over the place. Been to the mall 3x's to walk (was too hot outside) and was planning to go down to Killens Pond Waterpark on wed but my stepdaughter couldn't switch her schedule and I didn't feel like going with just Chelsea and myself. Hmmmm maybe tomorrow though......... Hubby's got a fishing trip...... Sounds like you're getting things well in hand though. What daycare are you using?

Right now they're in First Step Children's Center... Dave isn't thrilled about them being the only "white kids" but the neighborhood we're in is like that too so what's the point of worrying about it? I know the Kindergarten level of Warner Elementary is good for Alyssa's needs, but not Kayla's, Kayla would be held back so my goal is to HOPEFULLY get a job soon and get them into a daycare that is in a better school feeder pattern so they can choice based on daycare instead of having me drive them all over the place. I'm also hoping to move out of this house because Dave (aka Owner/landlord) refuses to make the repairs as we had agreed to in the divorce and that I even gave him money for... the bathroom is falling in around us and I'm hoping we can make it until I have a way to move us out of here before it collapses! If it falls in on Dave... that's his own problem then!!! Just not healthy to live in a place that requires this many repairs on major things... While unemployed I can choice Alyssa anywhere, but don't want to do that because I am really hoping for a job at Del Tech right now. I'd apply for GBA but... don't want the whole "are you sure the two of you can work together without animosity" thing... especially since I'd become a superior of Dave's within a relatively short period of time (I'm an engineer). I don't need the headache of seeing him every day... I got rid of him in the divorce... I'm discovering I like it this way too LOL... So, I keep looking and just working on getting my foot back in the door... I'm sure Dave painted an ugly picture of me being lazy and uninterested in work, he does to everyone... but the truth is, he wanted me home with the kids as much as I wanted to be home with the kids, so that's where I stayed... but now, I need the $$$ to support the kids and give them a life they deserve... why let my education go to waste right? So, I'm looking... and looking and looking... the Del Tech job is basically a guidance counselor for college kids job and I have the skills needed for the position and the degree needed for it also... I could also then have some money to take AutoCAD classes to update my skills and then be more marketable as an engineer... so I'm hoping for that job. Well, gonna run, STILL more to read/write I'm sure... not to mention the emails... Huggles Rachel PS Did Dave ever mention that I have ADHD? I had told him that you could call me for ideas if you needed them for Chelsea when he had started at GBA... offer still stands... even if you just want to talk with someone who understands.

Rachel I can help out. I'll email you my numbers. I live in New Castle. Just try to give me some notice as my sons keep me busy too, but I can juggle. Dianne