Outcast to the boards!

Hey Everyone, Seems I feel I am an outcast to the message boards anymore. I do read every other day but I guess everyone seems to be handling things so well I feel no need to reply. But I do want to ask everyone about relationships. Can people tell me how their relationships with others have changed since surgery? Seems now everyone is telling me I need to wear this, or style my hair that way, or laughing at me when I buy something new. I'm still so unexperienced with this dressing thing...... I still have my 80's hair do! *L* I'm trying to fit in with people but seems I am actually falling further behind them. When i do wear something "exciting" I feel so insecure and having to listen to hubby say "you vcan't wear that" or my parents telling me I look like a sleeze doesn't help. So then it's back to my jeans and tshirt. Hope

Hi Hope, I am not to that point yet, and by the sounds of it I am not looking forward to it. Wish I could help more. Christie

Ya know...I have gotten a lot of that. One of my friends, is well VERY well meaning, but has a strong opinion....so, I mostly listen to her and do what I want. My MOM on the other hand....I just don't know...she even bought me a bag of non - perils...HUH? I ate 1 of them and she bought them a month ago! There is no man in my life, so, I have nothing to give you there. But, you know your friends & family best, some are well meaning, some may be jealous and unfortunately, there are those who are just plain mean. Good luck, Hope...keep your chin up! Valerie

Hope, I don't know what to say. You MOST DEFINITELY should be proud of your new body! I guess that some people are just so used to the 'old you' that they are having a hard time accepting you now. I think that you should wear what you like and what makes you feel good about yourself and not worry too much about how others see you. I keep falling away from the 'high road' and cheating on myself, but people keep complimenting how good I look. Isn't it funny how I am so critical of what I haven't done in my last year, and I still get compliments, but you (and women in general) have done SOOOO MUCH better than me, and keep getting more critical comments. OK enough, I'm tired, it's been a long day (I'm in Las Vegas for a conference) and I cheated on myself (again). So I'm going to bed and hoping that I am a stronger person tomorrow!! Ken

Hijack. Hey Ken going to bed at 4AM? Little late isn't it? Isn't Vegas fun? Hope you are doing good and enjoying it. Sooooo many things to do & see there. Regardless of what we do in the 1st 6 or 7 months we will loose weight and fast. The trick is to start good habits, make good choices and portion control. Course add in exercise and that will make the best out of the WLS tool. But then you already knew that. Just thought I'd share with the newbies. This is the long term secret to success. Good luck in Vegas. I hope you come home a winner. You are already a looser my friend. Elissa

Hi Hope, My relationships haven't really changed all that much, and the ones that have changed, I think it's ben MY perceptions vs. them not accepting me, if that makes any sense. People perceive us a certain way over time, and it can be difficult for them to accept that we aren't a certain way anymore, or have a life again and aren't always so available all the time. The main objective here is for you to get to a place where you feel secure in yourself and the rest will follow. It may take some time, but I truely believe that things tend to fall into place according to what WE project to oher people. Your personal style is just that...personal and YOURS. be it jeans and a T-shirt or your hair style. It's a good thing to venture outside of your comfort zone every now and again, it's how we grow and evolve as people, but having a glaring spotlight on you when you make changes is no picnic! My advice to you would be to go slowly and experiment a bit with what makes YOU happy and comfortable. I see people get excited about their new body and make some really questionable choices in clothing but it's all a learning process, so go easy on the "exciting" clothes lol. You can update your look by making small changes over time. maybe just get a few inches cut from your hair to update the style you already have..once you get used to that you may want to experiment with more small changes, if not it's no biggie and it grows back quickly. In my opinion, the best way to update your wardrobe is to go with classic styles that last forever and then add a FEW trendy pieces. Swap out some of your T-shirts with newer colors, maybe opt for a more fitted style or one in a fabric that can be dressed up or down. Do you wear jewlery? Maybe something newer in that area, nothing expensive, fashion jewlery goes a long way without spending alot of money. Get a new bag for Spring/Summer...something neutral that can go with anything and one fun one. Decide what makes you comfortable and then work from there. Maybe head for the make-up counter and get some advice on updating your look that way. The idea is to make small changes that people will notice and say hmm, there is something different about her....not the OMG what the hell is she thinking wearing that ( been there! ) Free yourself up to find out who YOU are and the things that YOU like. yeah, there will always be those who think differently or don't like changes or whatever, but for the most part the people who love you....love YOU. Hubby might be feeling a bit insecure when he sees you changing and may feel like he isn't a part of that anymore, or may feel like he is losing you. TALK about it, or at least attempt to. Good subject to bring up. Look for the next Woman to Woman class that Dr. Keenan gives at PMRI. It's for women 6 months and more out and talks alot about these issues. I took the first one and found it to be VERY helpful. Linda

Hey Hope, I can definitely relate to how you're feeling....when it comes to my relationships with my friends, basically everyone is extremely proud of my success and is very supportive of me. But I do have one friend who had the surgery as well and her and I are not nearly as close as we use to be. Before she had the surgery, she was extremely jealous of me and made it known to me that she was jealous that I had lost so much weight and that she was going to have the surgery so she can loose alot of weight too. She was also jealous of me for other reasons as well, so I knew at some point our friendship may fade out and I was okay with that to a certain point, because I came to realize that I need to have positive people in my life with what I'm doing for myself. Having alot of negative and unhealthy relationships does not do well for this surgery, and so I'm okay in that area. However, what I do have a big problem with is that I can't seem to meet a good, decent, guy to save my life. I've heard alot of people say how after having the surgery their personal life was enhanced so much and how they are dating and some have even gotten to the point of marriage. Well that's not happening for me at all and so I do feel very discouraged about it. I've waited so long to find that special someone to share my life with and I just keep wondering when its going to come... I guess all things come in due time, so we'll see. When it comes to clothing and hair, I've always been a very conservative person and so I find although I've had the surgery my style hasn't changed that much, although I really am trying to be a little more creative. I think although I've had the surgery, I'm still in the "fat mindset" so as I get out of that mode, I believe my style will change more and I'll be okay. In all honesty having the surgery and loosing alot of weight is one thing, but changing how we feel about ourselves "mentally" is another whole issue. I've lost 180lbs and I feel great physically, but now I have to work on how I feel about "Shawna" which is the hard part. So it really is a mental and emotional issue, along with the physical changes that come along with the surgery. My best wishes go out to you as you continue your weightloss journey!!! Shawna

Hi Hope - I wish I had my 80's hair style. I had hair then LOL. I wore wide wale courdoroys to work when I went back and got abused because they were out of style. Who cares, those were what I wore 25 years ago and grew out of long ago HOORAY! Most of those who raised their eyebrows could not fit into their 20 year old clothes!!!!!! I think that my relationships have improved because I feel better about myself and you should too! I couldnt look at myself in the mirror pre-surgery, my 12 year old was embarassed by his "fat" father and I could not wrap my arms around my wife because my belly got in the way. Look at where you have come from and celebrate your life and accomplishments. You have a family of supporters out here who will always support you and each other