Tell everyone? Tell no one?

In planning my surgery, after the support groups, appts, etc., I'm confused about who to tell ( yes, husband children, sister, best friend). I always thought I'd be very open, but I don't want this to be a committee meeting, nor do I want to be a community resource. Its not a secret but it is a private decision, especially after my tale of insurance denials, false starts, my own worry about my success with the lap band. Who did you tell? Are you sorry? Thanks for your input.

Hi Carol, This is one of those questions that will probably have a different answer from everyone. Most everyone knows about my surgery, I have been very open about it. I figure there was nothing more public than my former 300+ pound self! I was ( and still am ) very secure with my decision to have this procedure, and really didn't care if I got negative feedback from someone. I can actually say I haven't gotten any negative remarks to my face, and if they said it behind my back, who cares? Not me! Because while they are making moral judgements or whatever, I'm too busy being happy and healthy I don't walk around with a sign on my back saying I had gastric bypass, but if someone comments on my weight loss I tell them how I'm accomplishing it. As a pre-op I was always so grateful to find someone who had the experience and was willing to talk about it. It made my trip down the path so much easier. I did have some fear based comments from people I care about, but I used that as an opportunity to educate them about the realities of the procedure and not always buy into some 2 second negative media hype that is is such a terrible thing to do. I feel bad thinking an otherwise GOOD candidate may be scared off by misinformation. For me this surgery has given me my life back and I'm so proud of myself for taking the needed steps to get there. If it comes up in conversation, I'm one to always give my phone number or email address to someone who is considering it. I wish I had someone like me when I was researching and deciding, but I was pretty much on my own. You're right, it is a very private choice to make and only you will be able to determine your comfort level for disclosure. I guess the bottom line for me is that once I decide to do something, I don't really care what anyone else thinks. They can either share in the joy or not, that's THEIR choice. Good luck to you! Linda

Bravo, Linda! That's me to a tee. It was my decision and I don't mind sharing it with others and I too, have had some concerned friends & relatives give me their opinions and then I've educated them. They all know that once I've made up my mind, there is no backing out. This said Carol, it is a personal decision (who to tell or not) and ultimately it is one only you can decide. Best of luck! Valerie

Carol, Like others said before, it's really a personal decision. But I told NO ONE except my docs until I had a confirmed surgery date. That means I spent a year + keeping it "secret." Then I was very selective who I told. I kind of based my decisions on how I thought the person would react and whether I was "up" to hearing what they had to say. :>) It worked out well for me. Today I am 6 months out and I still do the same thing. Most of my family and my closest friends know. People that aren't that close to me -- it depends. Everyone has noticed I have lost weight (85-90 pounds) but a number of times when people asked how I did it I simply say "I watch what I eat now and exercise." That's true right! :>) It's harder when someone, and a few people have, say "Are you sick?" But I still don't feel obligated to say I've had surgery to anyone... Just my opinion...hope it helps! Kit

Hi Carol, I told first my mom back in Dec.04. Her and I back and forth and on how I need to join a gym and see a dietician and stick to it. Well, I didnt bring it up again until last Wednesday and she had nothing to say. I could tell that she is now scared, it's ok and so am I. I then told my 6 siblings and my dad. They are being supportive and can quite understand how weight is a struggle. I then told my boss who I adore. She encouraged me to do what I feel and only wished me success. I then told 3 co-workers who have weight issues and they have been so supportive and excited....( I have been told to be careful and be prepared to lose a friend or 2..they might get jealous)....I last told 3 close friends and they think I am nuts...lol However, they have known me long enough and my weight struggles. Basically, my attitude has been strong to anyone's support and opinions. I am also ready for anyone's negative opinions as well and I will address it appropriately. If someone gives there negative opinion, I will politely tell them, "I thank you for your concerns. However, I dont think that I can be open with you right now." and end the conversation there. So far, it's been working and a few peeps have came back and wished me the best. Last, I told my 6 yr old son that Mommy will be going into the hospital to get healthy. He is so inteligent and said, "Mom, when you come out of the hospital, I want to take care of you and I love you." It was not easy telling anyone about the WLS but I knew I had to say something. I didnt want to keep this inside, have the surgery and then began losing weight rapidly. You know how people can be in this world these days and say cruel things about you. Well, I know I almost wrote a book here but I hope what I have told you was helpful.. I wish you the best in everything.... Ms. Lysa B

Hi Carol, . I also was anxious not to tell anyone until my insurance approved me. I went through the whole year prior pretty much on my own. I did finally break down and took my husband to a support meeting in October so he could ask questions and talk to the Nutritionist. Once he came to the meeting, asked his questions, he was okay about it. Then I told my 2 daughters in November. They were all for it. I never told anyone from wor****il January, that's when insurance finally approved me. And I told my Mom 2 weeks before surgery. I didn't want to hear anything negative. I had soooooo come to terms with my decision, I didn't want anyone to confuse me or taint it in any way. I did visit the Memorial page on my own, so I also knew that angle. I came to this site and to the PMRI meetings for all the support and love. They understood me more than anyone else ever had. I am so grateful for everyone that I've met on my journey. Do your own research and make your own decision. Now I tell perfect strangers. I am absolutely estatic with my new health. I exercise and tell total strangers that I have had WLS and gained my health back. People need to be informed. They are interested. They have heard mostly all the bad things that can happen. I can share my success and my belief that God has guided me through this. You can read some profiles to see how much you have in common with a lot of others. Hope to see you at some of the support meetings. Most of all, God Bless. Elissa

My work knows, my friends know, the group I sing with knows. My son knows. The rest of my familiy? I felt my aunt out on it and as soon as I said I"m thinking about it I got to hear all about a cousin that is wanting to do it and how the family is all against it sooooooooooooooooooo... I choose to not tell them. I just do not want that negative energy around me during this. Of course, this is easy for me since I live 1400 miles away from the rest of my family. I'll let them know after it is all done Gigee

Carol, To each their own when it comes to sharing intimate details of your life and health. This is a sticky subject, that is why such a big deal has been made with the Hippa Law. *grin* Personally, I am somewhat of a private person when it comes to my body and etc. Therefore, I did not feel the need to share with everyone all my personal details. It made it easier for me on that level. So much of my life is so very public, that it is so nice not to have to share absolutely everything. However, I have a friend who found her path so much easier by sharing every detail with the whole wide world. Again, to each their own. At first it was somewhat hard for me when acquaintances asked me about losing weight. For whatever reason, I felt that if I was being honest, then I needed to tell everyone everything. Since then I have come to feel comfortable NOT discussing everything with everyone. I came to this conclusion when I suddenly realized that I really did not talk to everyone about everything anyway. If someone were to ask me about my "love life", that would be off base and I would not necessarily feel the need to discuss it and etc. It was then that I realized that I was only feeling "pushed" into talking about something I cared not to share. Not that it was something that I needed to share. Big difference for me. Therefore, I only share when I feel it will benefit the other person or someone else, or myself. The operative word here for me was I share when "I" feel to do it, not when I feel pushed into doing it. I know I may miss some opportunities there but I also know that I need to respect myself enough to respect my own boundaries and not be pushed into anything. Now with all that said ... I told my hubby first thing. I felt it was his right to know and I also wanted him to help me make an informed decision and I also wanted him praying for me. I also told all those who share my home, as I knew my new lifestyle would affect each of them on a personal level. I told a couple of close friends who I could trust to not "share" and gossip. I told my mom, who was not at all supportive pre-op, only because I knew she would blame my hubby for not telling her should anything go wrong. I also told my brother, who also struggles with weight issues. Other than that, my friends on this board are pretty much the only others that I share a whole lot with. BTW - I did not tell my Dad. Did not feel he was up to it and did not want to cause him any stress. Nor did I tell my step-mom, step-sisters etc. They tend to do a lot of gossiping, and I did not want to be the topic of their sessions. In the end Carol, you really need to think about your loved ones of course, but you also need to be sure to consider your needs. You will know what is right with/for you and yours. BTW - the further out of surgery I get, the more I am glad I did not share all my details. Sometimes it is kinda hard for me with all the attention I get with just losing weight, I can't imagine how much more uncomfortable I would be had some of them known I had the surgery. Like I said, I am very open in some ways, but very private in others. And talking about it all would have been difficult for me. Best wishes making your own personal decisions. My advice is to really think about it and if you are a believing person, pray about it. Truly it is a hard decision and it is hard trying to weigh all the differing factors.

Carol, Great question! We have all struggled with that one! I agree with what each of our wonderful members said! They have such excellent point of views! Like many of them...I tell people now..at first while researching and waiting for approval, only my husband and very few close friends knew. Once my surgery was coming up..I told a couple more..I figured having their prayers would help me gain strength. Also, a couple of friends of mine that had the surgery suggested you tell those you see often..because she did not..and there were rumors going around her small town that she had some terminal disease. Now, I only tell those that notice..or if they notice my eating habits while out..and then..there are times..I just want to tell everyone..because..like our group has said..I feel people need to be informed that it a life-saving heathly experience(at least for me). Its funny, I just turned 40 this year..and so did a friend of mine..and we laugh that we just tell everybody that..and we never used to tell our age so easily before..well..I do the same thing with the WLS..I'm so eager to discuss it...go figure. You'll know whats right for you...at some point you won't want to be a "poster child"..but still want to help those who ask(thats where I'm kinda going now..I think). Thanks for a great question! Kimberly

I say...what everyoe else said! A definite is that you need positive people around you, so for that reason I put off telling my mom for as long as I felt comfortable ****il I got a surgery date). I'm her only child, so I knew it would be scary for her. But funny enough, she was much more OK about it because I knew it was what I wanted and what I truly thought is best for me, and the fact that I could answer all her questions really helped. I also told her about this website and about the great support and all the info she could get, and she visits quite often. I told people I was close to and those that I would be devastated if they didn't tell me beforehand, and I figured everyone else would find out afterwards. At work, my last couple days I started telling people when the topic of my being off of work for a while came up, but I didn't broadcast it. It really comes down to what you can handle...if you have to do it one person at a time, this is your journey and you do what you feel is right for your particular friends and family. Just remember, people will always surprise you, so don't be surprised if you get the opposite reaction of whatever you think it's going to be! Hugs, Bertie