How do you deal with the neighbors and others?

Okay I have done a great job avoiding the neighbors in chat for the last six months....until tonight! I did not devuge that I had the surgery simply I didn't think they needed to know. I did tell them that I am doing approximately 1200 calories a day. I am but maybe not that high. I felt that they pry into everything about everyone that they did not need to know about my situation. Its not like they support me in anything I just think they are looking for dirt. Although it was funny her husband was cracking a joke about how her and the other noisy neighbor does not miss a trick in the neighborhood! I know they saw me home in the summer so I told them about my gallbladder...yes I did have it out at the same time as this surgery. Not a lie but not total truth. I feel weird about it. I wonder how are you all handling people like this? If they are supportive of me I tell people. Although my Grandmother was on the phone with me the other night questioning me why I didn't eat their stew and what I could eat and how much....I get off the phone with her and say to DH that I feel like I am a freak. Everyone is jus****ching me....I didn't want to eat at her house because of this....As a matter of fact I haven't eaten at anyone else's house since surgery. Its bad enough when we go out to eat the waite staff thinks there is something wrong with the food since I am not eating or drinking! When will I get over this? Do you get over these feelings or are they things you have to work through? Debbie

Good Morning Debbie 1st of all only tell who your comfortable w/ if your neighbors are blabber mouths and you aren't ready for others to know about the surgery then just let them think your dieting. I had surgery 10/27/03 and went out and found myself a job in May of 2004.I had to have uniforms ordered thru the company so I did tell my supervisor so she didn't think I was weird wanting to order 2 diferent size uniforms.I just explained why and that my size was changing rapidly.She ended up having a friend that had the surgery so she understood and never told any of my co-workers.I started out in an x-large uniform and now I wear a small pants and med top.(arm issue)I was working for about 2 wks when they had a going away party for another employee and it consisted of all cakes cookies and other no-nos The ladies were making comments about me not wanting anything so I bit the bullet and blurted out why I couldn't have the food and explained the surgery.They have ended up being a really great support system for me and when we have food related functions there are more healthy foods than junk.Two ladies in my department are going thru the process now of getting approval for surgery and also one nurse has recently had the surgery,she said had she not met me and learned so much about the process from me she never would have had the surgery.I guess what I'm trying to say is at first I felt weird letting others know but now I tell who ever ask.If I can help one person over come the fear and give them all the facts good and bad then it makes whatever negative comments I hear worth it. So yes I'd say it's something you have to work thru and when your ready you'll sing it from the roof tops!LOL!!

Cathy, Thank you for sharing and your support. I hope I work through these issues soon. I don't want to go back to where I came from! I know the last time I lost a lot of weight with optifast I had issues and could not deal with the skinny me. Perhaps I have discovered one of the reasons I was not successful then. Have a good day. Debbie

Hi Debbie, This just seems to be a very personal thing in how it's handled and what a person's comfort level is. I find that in any situation ( not just WLS related ) people tend to 'mirror' how we present ourselves. Especially a nosy neighbor type looking for gossip. If it's someone you don't feel comfortable telling..then don't. If they comment on your weight loss say thank you and keep moving. If they press you as to how you're doing it, say lot's of hard work and dedication, which is NO lie! lol As for family, most of the time they are just concerned. Thinking of your grandmother, she is used to you a certain way and now that has changed. If you are feeling like a 'freak' you're going to project that to others, they will sense it and react to it. You had this for you, it's a fact of your life and a part of who you are. Right now you're probably struggling with all of this and still trying to adjust, could be a little hypersensitivity on your part as to how people are watching you. lol I find that people are usually paying alot less attention to what we do than we THINK they are. I don't care who knows what I did. I'm proud of the fact that I took control of my life and my health and finally gave myself a shot at having a future that didn't involve hiding away in my house. Education is key here and so often people are very receptive when they get good, realistic information and not just the one sensational two second blurb on the evening news. If a server in a restaurant asks me if something is wrong, I say nope, I had surgery, everything is delicious but I only eat a small amount. I don't offer information to them unless asked, but I figure if people in that job are aware of us, they will be more helpful to the next person they wait on that may have had a bypass. For grandma....sit her down face to face and just explain how you eat now and the mechanics of it all. She loves you and wants the best for you. Soon she will be creating a dish just for you. Don't feel like a freak, feel like a proud woman who took control of her life! Linda

Debbie aka Bridget , I too decided that for me, this was a personal decision and thus only shared with those closest to me. I have shared with a few since then on a need to know basis. To the rest, I simply say thank you (for the compliment or faux compliment ), and if they push (dig), I simply say that it has been with a lot of hard work, sweat and tears that I have lost what I have. And am working real hard to try and continue to lose the rest and keep off what I have lost thus far. I do know that those that I have shared with (with the exception of my mother - she was really scared until after my surgery) have been wonderfully supportive. And yes, there are times when I do wish I could just simply tell the world ... but it is not always that easy, especially when you are somewhat a public figure. But please let me assure you that the further out you get, the more you learn to blend. And the easier it gets. At first I had a hard time not sharing my whole entire life with every single person that asked. As this is pretty much how my life has been up to this point, an open book. So it really took me some time and work to learn to respect myself enough to respect my own privacy as much as I have always respected others. And it took me a while to realize that just because someone asks you a question, does not mean you are required to answer. Sometimes others cross over that line by prying into things that really is not their business. Other times, truly they are just curious. I have since learned the art of being respectful of myself while still being respectful of others at the same time. About eating out around family or friends. Most often, I simply take what I know is best for me without concern of what other people think about my choices. But I have learned there are times, that I take a plate and some small samples of those items that others say I must try. I fiddle with my food. Eat a bit of what is best for me. Sometimes take a small taste of someones special whatever to let them know that I appreciate their efforts (if it won't totally wreck my plan). Mostly I enjoy the time with them in good conversation. When I have finished my portions, I simply throw out the remainder. Just about everyone around me now knows, that I simply do not do sugar anymore. So that is getting easier. I usually admire the creation, compliment the maker on a beautiful job, assuming it is, and more often than not it is. And let them know that it looks very delicious and in my former life I would love to have a small sliver but simply dare not do so now. At first I thought everyone was really watching my every move ... as time passed, I realized that most everyone was more concerned with many other things than me. And really no one was paying that close of attention to me. This was a very freeing realization for me. About the Waite staff questioning you ... I would simply say, that it is delicious, but I am not eating much tonight. If you are just about finished, you could ask them for a box so you could enjoy the remainder tomorrow or later that day. Hang in there Debbie ... truly it does get a lot better REAL soon!!! You are doing an excellent job ... now take the time to pat yourself on the back and enjoy your newfound vim and vigor. Va Va Voom Chicky!!! Hugs, Tammy

You have to set boundaries, you don't owe the world a detailed explaination,your family is another story- they know you warts,bad attitudes..etc. and still love you anyway. We are like onions, outer skin thats tougher than our inner core. you only need to share that core with people that really know you. A long term postie came to the PMRI meeting back in march or april, she had a lot of interesting things to say. She said when her dad talks to his neighbors about his daughters weight loss and how she did it she said "he just tells them she just eating alot less, and she's getting more exercise"--- It is a truthful statement. Some people would want to saying with surgery we are cheating in terms of weight loss-- they answer is we regain the same control that they have to manage their weight. The second thing I remember she said was you have to give yourself, permission to say its ok to throw away food, we were all taught to clean our plate,"cause their are kids starving in Africa and India." It is ok to say to the waitperson that " everything taste wonderful, Im not as hungry as I thought" ----trust me some of us still want to eat more, but we think about the pain it will cause and avoid it. One of my favorite things to order out and on the run is McD's egg Mcmuffin, I can eat 1/2 of the muffin, It is got egg, cheese and lean ham--a protein paradise!---- I now enjoy firing the other half of that muffin out the car window or saving it to throw out the window. I figure, I can feed the birds. Lately I throw both 1/2's of the english muffin out the window. now hope this helps