What do you do if your spouse & Mom are against the surgery?

OK. I'm walking the path to surgery and I've got my husband and my Mom throwing boulders on the path (and in my way). I know that the decision to have the surgery is mine but it will have an impact on the lives of those whom I love. I'm hoping to talk my husband into coming to one of the support group meetings at PMRI with me. My Mom refuses. I'm her only child and she doesn't want to hear about "elective" surgery that could kill me. I've encouraged her to read, to check the Internet (including this site) and I've given her the names & numbers of some post-op women. Mom has done nothing with that info. I think husband will come around in time. He's afraid of losing me and he's afraid of the changes post-op. I understand that. He had neck surgery a few years ago and I had similar fears. I'm saddened to think that my Mom may never approve. I was counting on both of them for post-op support. I guess I'll need to count on someone/something else. What? I'm open to suggestions.

Make sure you bring your husband to your first consult with the surgeon. He can ask any questions that concern him. Not sure what your current health is, but many of have the operation as a last ditch effort to save our lives and restore our health. There are no guarantees with the surgery. Will you be around if you don't have the surgery. Reality is the surgery is your decision, and it is great to have support, hard to do this without support from your family. The only other comment is to continue to keep talking with Mom and husband, bring them to meetings, read web sites. Be open about the good and bad, particularly talking about the consequences that could happen, and talk about your life if you don't make a change. Rob..

i would tell your husband and mother in the nicest way that you can, that if they aren't willing to find out true information about wls then they don't have the right to comment. if they choose to listen to rumors from a friend-of-a-friends-sisters-cousin (hahaha) then they really don't know what they are takinga about. if they care about you as much as they say, then taking alittle time out of their life to find out about something that means so much to you shouldn't be a problem. if after they listen to some real facts about wls and they still have concerns atleast they took the time to listen. just let them know that just because they go to a support group meeting DOESN'T mean they have to agree with you. wls is a private choice that nobody can make for us. everyone is intitled to how they feel about it, but to comment without clear facts is just wrong. again....if they care so much about you going to a meeting shouldn't be a big deal at all.

Hello Cassandra, Oh how well do I know this feeling!!! I will keep it short and sweet. My suggestion is keep both of them involved as much as possible. Try taking them to your appts. and start attending support group meetings. Share all your knowledge with them as well as allow them to ask questions. But also remember this is for "YOU"! and only "YOU"! Also, we are here.....just keep yourself and your support system educated.

Hi Cassandra, I too am an only child. My mother was very worried, but very supportive. I think giving her research and showing her what could happen to me if I didn't have the surgery helped her with accepting the surgery. My husband was very supportive from the start. I think my family has seen me try and struggle with every diet I tried, and I tried dozens of them. Encourage your family to attend support groups with you. Look at some of the specials on DiscoveryHealth with them. The media very seldom portray the good aspects of the WLS, however they magnify the complications of the surgery. Educating your family may be the best thing you could do. In the end, it's like Shay said, you have to do this for YOU and no one else. Good Luck with your journey. ~Shelly

Hello Cassandra, I have not had the surgery yet. I've been approved and all is clear - just waiting on the day. But, I clearly understand where you are. I am the mother of an only child who lost her father to Lupis. I myself have had several surgeries and could had problems. Even though she is married now - I am her only living parent and she is under 30 years old. I was hesitant at first but when "I" realized my weight was getting to be more of a problem every day and more so within the last 5 years - the light went off. We can die in our sleep. Whether we choose or it has been recommended and we agreed - it can only prolong our lives to be with our loved ones. My daughter has been supportive from the beginning but it take me awhile before I presented it to my family. If you or anyone in your family has any other medical issues where weight loss can help to decrease your chances of an early death, they should understand this is a help in the right direction. We are all on borrowed time! It is up to us to make the best of it. Remind them modern medicine is not like it was. If the concern is insecurity on your husbands part then that is something he will have to come to grips with himself. All you can do is present the facts and assure him that you will still be the same person on the inside and that he will have you longer if you don't have the surgery. As for Mom, continue to give her the space she needs for her on opinions - that's ok...she's Mom. All you have to do is listen. As mother of single child...........we do come around...."slowly but we do" Keep the faith. Mother Love

My thanks to each of you for taking the time to share your experiences and wisdom with me! It really helps! A friend of mine (who made the personal choice to have liposuction) shared something powerful with me. To paraphrase - Mom & Hubby are dealing with their fears and I can't help them deal with theirs until I've dealt with my own. It sounds odd but I had almost forgotten that I'm the one who will actually be handling the complications (should any arise). Mom & Hubby are indirectly effected so I really need to stay focused on what I'm feeling first.

I agree with all of the above. Adding only that I would tell hubby and mom they are entitled to their opinion but you are making the decision.

This is the first time I have posted anything, but I hope this is helpful, My mom,dad and one of my sisters where seriously objecting prior to surgery, I dont think the understood, how bad my life was until on christmas 2003, I carried a heavy box with christmas presents up from the basement. When I got to the top of the stairs my heart was pounding out of my chest and I was having difficulty breathing.That is the day my family understood at a BMI of 54 that I was Superly morbid obese ---Ie. Your dead,withone foot in the grave, and one still on the soil ( I am now down 90lbs,from 397-only morbidly obese, and able to walk briskly) I guess for the support persons, It is knowing and understanding the truth of your situation. I had to tell my family of all of my co-morbidities(High Blood p, diabetes, joint problems, sleep apnea.....), how much money you spend on drugs($200/month or more), how many drugs that you take a day (14). They are right you could die, you could have complications, They need to understand that everyone of us is on the planet for a short time, your choosing to do something to stay here longer, and live a better quality of life than what you currently can do now. If you continue on the current path they could be burying you in a Piano box tommorow.

My husband was not in agreement for the surgery. I kept hoping - beliving he would come around but he never did. He was too concerned that I'd have irreversable regrets. In some ways now looking back I am glad that he was not all for it. I REALLY had to be 100% sure that it was what I wanted and that I was 100% prepared for any of the consequenses that it may bring. I struggled a lot because of this but what I learned is that you can't expect others to agree with your decision. You just have to have faith that you are making the right choice for you. I also learned that just because he didn't support my decision did not mean that he did not love or support ME. As always when I needed him to be, he was right there for me. ~Kathy V.