Need to get this off my chest

OK I have no sisters only brothers and trust me they dont have a clue. So I thought I could turn to my Mother WRONG she is totally against the surgery < did i mention the women can eat 3 crackers for lunch and oh my shes stuffed> And no she hasent had the surgery. Any way for days now I have gotten calls from her saying why dont you try this diet first or this exersize and so on. My question is how wrong would it be just not to tell her when I go into the hospital. My husband and kids are support enough I really dont want someone there or visiting me that isint positive. Is that beyond selfish incase something did happen?

You could try telling her that you know she loves you and wants the best for you, but that you've researched this extensively, your life partner and children support you, and at this point you need her encouragement as a positive factor because you've spent enough time debating and attempting the consequences and options of this enormous life changing decision... ...And, if she doesn't get it, just be honest with her and say that because she isn't willing to accept your decision and offer support, that you'd rather she back off and you'll keep her informed of what you're doing but if she wants to be further involved, she'll need to realize that you've made your choice. Honesty usually works.

Kristina, Susane said it beatifully. This is totally your decision. Good luck to you in your decision, by the way we have great doctors...Judy

Kristina, I understand where your coming from and like the others said, be honest with your mom. She probley doesn't understand whats involved and is afraid for you. Have your husband keep her inform and she will in time come around to see that what your doing is for the better and you will be in Gods hands and things will be okay. Keep the faith that your mom will understand what your doing.It took awhile for some of my family members to grasp the idea, but when they kept seeing me and see the things have change in my life, they were thrilled! Beth

I agree with all of the above. You could just have one more conversation with her about it, by telling her that if she isn't supportive of YOUR decision then you don't wish to discuss the issue at all with her. Maybe she'll understand, and see that you don't want to cut ties and it may just sink in. You have to do what you feel is best. Good luck.

Kristina, Trust me ... I have been there. My mom, as wonderful as she is did not support my decision to have WLS. She would call me every time there was going to be a negative story about it on TV, just so I could view it. I had to tell her that I already knew the negatives and did not care to dwell on them. But thanked her for pointing them out to me to make sure that I knew what I was getting in to. She has since come around (sorta) and is generally supportive. Although at times she can still hurt me with things she says. I realize that her problem with my surgery, was her perception of it from the media. She had listened to all the negative stuff she had heard and was concerned for her baby girl. I love my mom to pieces, but knew that I would initially have to lean on my hubby for that all important support. But at the same time, I knew I had to let my mom know that I was having surgery in the event something happened. Not sure she would have ever forgiven my hubby if she did not know about the surgery before hand. I also was sure to let her know in no uncertain terms that I was doing this surgery for me. NO ONE else had made the decision for me ... that I had researched and researched and knew the risks involved, but knew that I could not go on living the way I was. Kristina, you know what is right ... but sometimes it is hard doing what we need to do when it comes to our loved ones. We don't want to hurt them, and yet we need their love, support and acceptance ... especially at times like these. But at the same time, we don't want or need them hurting us. I would just be honest with her and let her know how very much you need your mamma, and at the same time, understand her concern for you. Truly she does not understand your struggle with your weigh (she eats three crackers and is full - BTW - you will be doing this post-op *grin*) I will be praying for you and your relationship with you mother. Hugs, Tammy

Kristina - I am pre op (only a month away!) and I LIVE with my mother. Yes, my mother attempts to be supportive, however, she doesn't want me to do this - even though her baby sister had it done 4 years ago - VERY successfully! I have told her that I am doing this to prolong my life and to be here to enjoy my daughters life. PERIOD! This is not about me finding a new man or wearing bikinis, etc. This is for me and it's my decision. She knows the research I have done, the meetings I have attended (because she watches my daughter and there is always some sly comment). Now, obviously, I have to rely on my mom, since we live under the same roof, but, my next door neighbor and dear friend is willing to help in any way she can, including making sure my daughter gets to school and home from daycare, etc or fixing my meals for me AND my friend isn't sure she agrees with WLS, however, we have talked extensively and she understands my reasons. So, she supports me. Unfortunately, when it comes to mothers, I think all they have in their minds is there baby is being put under and having major surgery (my mother didn't question my shoulder surgery earlier this year...many of the same risks applied). But, there have been SO many negative stories about WLS that our mothers can't help but worry. I guess we need to let them be our mothers and know that in the end they will be there for us, even if they snarl at our pureed foods, they are doing it out of love. Kristina, you are doing what you have to do for you, no one else. At least you have a supportive husband, as I have a supportive friend close by. We'll lean on them a bit more heavily than we would have and pray that our mothers come around when they see how healthy we become. Best wishes. Let us know what happens, ok? Valerie

Hang in there! EVERYONE. This conversation has really hit home with me. But for different reasons that most of you. Guess it takes all kinds of people to make the world go around! I am having surgery on Monday and I did not tell my Mom until last week. I dreaded it! Let me explain... My Mom believes noone can ever be too thin. She was anorexic when I was growing up and since I was "chubby" she had me on starvation diets most of my childhood/young adulthood. I, of course, "outwitted" her and went to eat at neighbors, then basically went crazy eating for 20+ years, and that's why I am having surgery now. My Mom's reaction to my announcement that I was having WLS was " It's about time you do something about your weight. I tried to help you when you were little but it didn't work out." She is no longer too skinny but a normal weight and constantly complaining about being "too fat." I was crushed!!! But I have to realize that I can't let her opinion cloud my success. (It remains to be seen if I can do that!) I am doing this WLS for my health. She doesn't have a clue what that means! BUT if I couldn't have surgery for some reason and had to remain obese for the rest of my life, it would not be the end of the world. For my Mom it would! If anyone is going to mess with my success, it will be my mother. She makes me ashamed for something I should not have to be ashamed of. Thank goodness I have friends that are supportive. To ALL of you experiencing this, rely on your friends, keep going to support meetings, keep posting here and we'll get through it. Kit

Oh Ms.Kritina i'm right there with ya!! let me tell you about my family. my two adult children are caustiously supportive as is my husband. but, i know my sister (whom i don't speak with anyway) is totally against the surgery. i'm doing this because of health. i had a reaction to prescription medications last fall that threw me into kidney failure. i was told that this surgery would take pressure off my kidneys and most likely get me off all or most of my medications. i never said a word to my sister or my extended family from out of state. i feared that some would worry and some would be judgmental and i didn't need anything else to worry about. i also wanted to give myself a chance to research this on my own first--then i could tell them THE FACTS! well, appears as if my sister got wind of it and spread it like wildfire before she even knew what she was talking about.. she has no idea of what i've been through (the medical stuff) all she had was bits and pieces here and there. she had no business getting into my private affairs and i was ticked as hell.. in my case, it;s not out of love --it's control.. if she's sooo worried about me you'd think she would have called to talk about it but she hasn't. instead, she spread my personal business thru the grapevine and the group as a whole sat around at a family reunion (i didn't attend) to talk about it amongst themselves..i was soo hurt and crushed but at the same time i knew that this was a possibility which is why i didn't tell them to begin with.. my sister has to knock everyone done so that she can look good. she's done it all her life and she loves being the center of attention.. she recently lost about 70 pounds and she looks good--everyone in the family is complimenting her. this surgery means that she will no longer be the center of attention--that people will start noticing my increased energy, my better health and my shrinking waistline. this surgery just might take the lime light off of her and she can't handle that. i know your mom is probably concerned and she should be. but, everyone has to understand that we're making these decisions as a way to save our lives. if you can't support my wanting to save my life then you don't need to be in my life--that's the way i look at it.. i mean if we were talking open heart surgery here not one of them would tell us not to have the surgery..i feel that you don't have to agree with what i'm doing but at least understand the reasons behind it. margaret keenan talked about this at one of the prmi meetings.. how different people in our lives will react differently. maybe she could give you some pointers. also, i've found that my friends and several members of my church who know about the surgery have been so very supportive. my pastor has listened to my hurt and pain and tried to help me with it. he is even using my story as part of the sermon tomorrow. he wants me to come forward during a service closer to my surgery date to talk to the congregation and pray with them so i can feel the love and support that they will offer that my family can't.. go where the support is..my pastor said, you can't have (the support/love) what they can't offer--either because they won't or they can't.. doesn't matter--you can't force them to agree with it so it's up to each of us to decide how to handle it. in my case (and i know you can't do this with your mother) i have decided that distance between us is the best possible answer. best of luck!