I am a moron

I have been looking forward to February do I could join the YMCA and start formally working out. Finally tonight we go down there. Now the money/time commitment is one obstacle but a hurdle worth the jump none the less if the trade off is good heath. To get the cheapest rate and get charged monthly instead of up front - you have to sign up for a year. I was really nervous about signing up for a whole year - not knowing ANYTHING about going to the gym. I've never done it, what if I HATE it, am I setting myself up to fail - etc... Then I started looking at all the people there... mostly healthy people... exactly 1 morbidly obese person - one I think qualified as a super but the rest were at least under 200 (women). I swear my head started going into tailspin. I started thinking about things from being afraid of failing at the whole thing to thinking about people staring at the out of place fat chick that can barley stay on a machine a few minutes, the embarrassment of getting off a machine while the healthy people are going into their 5th hour of jogging without breaking a sweat. At this point - I KNOW my feelings are irrational. But I could not make myself make the commitment. My husband was there too, we were going to sign up the whole family - the boys would love the pool & they have babysitting for while you work out. I stood there like a dumbass not knowing what to do, then just walked out the door feeling stupid, confused & literally ashamed of myself - what the heck is wrong with me? I am so concerned about what people think about the way I look that I don't do what I need to for not just myself but my families health? Just plain dumb. Then, we are driving the long ride of shame home & Taco Bell is coming up & I think in my head, man a Taco would make me feel better.............what $%&*k? Shhesh have I learned nothing? I manage to drive on by but at the gas station pick up a *couple* candy bars...because they don't sell valuim over the counter... Fortunately the 1st bite tasted like crap so I threw them out. Really. I mean I could join a place like curves - but my husband wants to work out too and I like the idea of a well-rounded place with programs for the kids & the pool. For the cost difference in going 1 place for just me or a place the whole family can go - well it doesn't make sense. I'm a stay at home mom & we live on a private school teacher's salary - I need to get real. My goal for tomorrow is to go back to the Y and - just do it. I am not AT ALL confident that will actually happen.

Kathy...Dont be so hard on ur self...I have been there..ur scared to be sucesseful..ur scared to love urself..ur scared to be the person u care capable of being...kathy u can do it...u deserve to be happy..u deserve to work hard and look good..f#CK what other peopel think F#@@ what other people say...do this for you..u will fill better that you did it..and u will be successful..and the fact that hubby wants to help should make u feel so much better anyway...i wish i had someone to support me like u have ur husband...but i guess thats the price i pay for being single..well i hope u join the y..let me know how it goes.. love clint

Stop beating yourself up over it. Go back to the Y today and join. Even if YOU don't work out right away, you can still take your kids to use the pool and hubby can do whatever thing it is he wants to do there. Soon your comfort level will increase just from being exposed to it. Ask some questions if you feel awkward, I find most of the time in that situation people are more than happy to help out where they can. Ask when the best time to go is, when it is least crowded. Ask for someone to help you on the equipment to make sure you're using it properly. I used to work for the YWCA in Newark and trust me when I say, those people are there to work on their own bodies and really don't pay alot of attention ( as in sitting around making judgements ) about others working out. Good for you for tossing the candy, that crap isn't your friend. You've dropped SEVENTY pounds, time to get realistic about the changes that are happening to your body and stop letting all the old negative self talk back into play. Don't rule out councelling either if you need it. Face it, negative body image is a difficult thing to overcome and if you are still having such an intense struggle with yours maybe a few sessions with someone equipped to deal with such issues is in order. Bottom line: Be proactive. Try to look at the big picture. 9 times out of 10 if a choice is the hard one..if it causes some discomfort, if it nags at you over and over in the back of your mind, then you know it's the right thing. Growth isn't pretty lol, if you think of your situation in terms of human growth, you're out of babyhood and into your teen years. lol and we all remember ( sort of ) how that can suck! This too shall pass tho. I say go for it.

Kathy, I have your feelings too! I sent a paper into te Y to get a doscounted rate. I was all for this and when the paper came stating we could get in cheaper then the regular price I hesistated. I too am so concerned about what others think and I know I shouldn't do that. My biggest thing is when i start to feel down about things now I don't head for the "food" to comfort me instead I have atendency not to eat at all thinking it will make me loose weight faster. After a few hours and I reread my journal I realize I need food and I just have to be picky about the foods I choose. hence I went out and bought a treadmill and work out at home now. I eventually want to buy a stationary bike to add. I plan to turn my family room in the basement into a work out area jsut for me and my kids so I can avoid the embaressment. This may not be the answer but it is what I am comfy with. Right now my treadmill sits in my living room facing the TV *L* I figure it may get my kids into using it if they can watch TV while walking. Getting equipement for your home may help you. I felt it was best for me. Let me know what you do............Hope

Kathy, honey. You are so not alone in this. Hubby & I have a lifetime membership to Kirkwood fitness. Only costs us yearly $195. The only thing I went for in the past was the pool & hot tub. I got my bathing suit on at home so I didn't have to undress there. Wore my robe to the pool area. And ran not walked into the water to camoflouge myself. That was the only exercise I got. The water felt so good. My knees didn't hurt. I think in my previous life I was a fish. (probably a whale) Got out hobbled to hot tub and collapsed in ther for my 10 minutes. Repeated the pool and hot tub got our, robed up and ran back to the dressing room. Took my clothes and into the bathroom stall to re-dress. I was always very uncomfable changing or walking around naked. I even dress in the closet at home. Only God saw me that way. I was pissed off at the young chickies that pompously walked around the dressing room with their little butts, tight not to mention smooth tummies and perky boobs. God do I sound jealous. So been there done that sweetie. Do whatever you need to do. ps Oh I forgot I have exercise equiptment in my basement. I haven't used it in 15 yrs. I even gave the exercise bike away to a relative that was gonna buy one. Sorry if I'd known I would have saved it for you or anyone else that wants it. I don't like sweating. Dr Irgau said get used to it. No swiming for a month after surgery. So I walk. ((HUGS)) Elissa

Kathy, Don't beat up on your self. You can be proud that you even got up the courage to go in! I hope that you make it inside the Y again today, and get signed up. Those "skinny people" should be proud of you for wanting to better yourself! We are proud of you, and here for you! Ken

Kathy: Weight loss has nothing to do with having surgery or not. It is simple, you have to burn more calories exercising than you take in eating. That being said, we all knew, from Pre-Op visits, that this was the case. And we all committed to making the changes necessary for the surgery to be successful. I know your faith has brought you this far. Have a little more faith that you will soon look as hot as those hotties in the Y. The Y, as you have already stated, has the best program for you AND your family! Give it a try, you will not be disappointed. And do not worry about what others think. All you need to worry about is what your Hubby and Kids have to say. They are why you are doing this, to have more time with them. We are behind you. Hope to see you at the Y soon. Brian

kathy, please don't beat yourself up about this. it is sooooooooo hard to make these big changes in our life and the way we think of ourselves. i really like it when people say wls is a journey. wls doesn't change the way we think and feel, it takes alot of work. BUT the good thing is that you realized what your feelings were and that you have triggers and you were able to stop yourself. my biggest fear is that i will never learn the lifestyle changes that i need to do on my journey and that i will regain like alot of people do. pre-op i hated to be seem by anyone....even in a store or going to the mailbox. i always wondered what people were thinking when they saw me. since i have had wls i have had to really FORCE myself to become part of the world again. it took me 4 months for it to sink in my head (eventhou i already knew it) that food was for staying healthy instead of making me feel better. i only eat when i am hungry...truely hungry instead of eating out of boredom. we can't change our way of thinking overnight...it takes time. that is why i really believe wls is a journey for life. you are so lucky to have a family that wants to live a healthy lifestyle and go to the gym together. you are teaching your kids how to live a healthy life and hopefully helping them not to become Mo. i use to hate to workout....now i love it hahahhaa. I NEVER EVER thought i would say that. when i was pre-op i knew i would have to workout, but i was only going to workout just enough to get by(ya know what i mean?). now i workout everyday and i feel sooooo much better when i do. i see changes in my body everyday. when the pounds aren't coming off i'm still losing inches! it's great! i take my measurements once a week. one week i lost 1lb. but i lost 2 inches!!!!!!! when this cold weather is gone i look forward to being the active playful mom that i have always wanted to be. i want to do more outside activites with my family. we have alot of things planned for this summer. i remember one time being with a friend and someone who was MO was riding a bike....my ex-friend said "ohhhh my gosh, she should NOT be riding that bike!" i got really mad and said " riding that bike is EXACTLY what that woman should be doing". people can be soooooo back-assed sometimes. hahahhahaa (southern sayin'). don't let people you don't know stop you from working out. it doesn't matter to them if you workout or not, but it does matter to you. i know it's easy to say than do, but don't let anyone stop you or make you feel uncomfortable about getting healthy. believe it or not your moment of weakness is a turning point in your way of thinking about yourself that will help you stay on your journey. best of luck!