Just who am I kidding anyway?

Hi folks . . . I decided to start pulling out the spring/summer clothes from storage today being as it appears to FINALLY be warming up around these parts.

When I moved to DE two years ago I was in a comfortable size 10 and could squeeze myself into some 8's depending on the cut and manufacturer.

I weighed in the neighborhood of 165 when I got here, but for the past 18 months or so I have gained a couple of pounds (my face doesn't look as haggard) and now I float in a 10-pound range from 170-180. I began wearing size 10 stretch jeans, and size 10/12 regular clothing, last year and have been comfortable with that. Each time I approach the high end of my "range" I try to cut back, I am fine with being between 170-175.

Today I am weighing back in the high end of my range . . . not really surprised . . . but now the same clothes that fit last summer are so tight I look like they were painted on this year. The size 10 stretch denim capris are cutting me in half at the waist. My summer shirts are skin-tight and emphasizing my back-fat-rolls. UGH.

I think it is so strange that I am at the same weight as the previous year but apparently things have shifted around to my midsection and thighs.

I am determined to get back into these 10's this spring/summer. But that will still leave me a handful of size 8-10 capri pants that won't see the daylight this year . . .

Is anyone interested in coming to Rehoboth to take these off my hands? I will hang onto these for a couple of days if anyone is interested, otherwise they are going to Goodwill. Drop me a response if you are interested -- these are in great condition, like new.

I am now without transportation these days (long family story) or I would drop these off at one of the upcoming support meetings.

-BJ

Hi BJ,
You know it must be the warm weather that made you pull out your summer clothes.  I did the same thing!  You know when I was at my high end for weight (299) it was very depressing trying to find something that could fit me.  Now at 165 I still find it depressing to shop for clothes.  I can wear a size 10 pants but the shirts have to be a 1x or mens M to accomodate for the wrinkled looking bat wings and deflated tires around my middle.  No cute looking matched outfits for me.
Ok enough of my whinning.  Good luck on getting those extra few pounds off.  YOU CAN DO IT!!

Take care,  Judy

Hi BJ,
I sat here for over an hour the other day trying to reply to your last post about feeling depressed over family issues, but after many attempts, editing, and deletions, I finally gave up.  I just don't know enough about your family dynamics to offer sound advice. The only thing I am certain of is the trouble you've had with your Mom being overbearing and controlling, and in your situation; you've had to tolerate her because you still need her help. I can relate to that same need, although my Mom wasn't so mean.  There's a time and season for everyone that enters our life and towards the end of my mother's "season" with me, the kids started telling me about some of the not so nice things she was saying to them, she was short tempered with them, and was just plain ugly.  I knew then that her time with us was no longer beneficial to the family and I had to let her go. Yes, I still needed her to help with the kids so I could keep my job but when one door closes, God will open another.  I had to depend on that faith and sure enough, things eventually worked out.  It wasn't easy at first and I missed a few days of work here and there.  She went on her way and I walked the path God intended for me to walk, without Mom.  I will always be grateful to her for being there for me but we both knew it was time for her to move on.

I can also relate to the clothing issues.  My weight fluctuates so much that I don't know from one day to the next if my jeans are going to fit.  I can seriously weigh 8 pounds more today than I did yesterday.  I know it's mostly fluid weight because it can come off as fast as it came on, and fat gain simply doesn't go away that fast.  I have problems with "body dysmorphia" because even though people say I look great, I don't always feel that way.  My upper belly from my ribs to where my belly button used to be is at least 2 sizes bigger than my hips since the tummy tuck.  When I gain the fluid weight, it's always in that upper belly and it makes me feel so uncomfortable in my jeans, so I wear pajama pants that are stretchy and more comfortable.  At the hips, I can wear a size 10 but above that, I'm not comfortable in anything less that a 12 or 14.  It's ridiculous because I really can't do anything about it as far as trying to exercise it off...the arthritis pain and the herniated disc at the T-7/8 level prevents that.  So I deal with it.  I get pretty depressed because I can't go out and do normal stuff in my pajamas, you know?  I've hovered around 155-158 for over a year but lately that has gone up to between 160-168.  I hate it and it scares me.  I'm afraid I am on my way to gaining it all back.

I don't have summer or winter clothes.  I wear the same stuff year round, except for my shorts.  They just kind of hang out in my drawer all winter.  When the weather warms up, I get into a cleaning mode where I start feeling suffocated by the clutter so we go through and start chucking the junk we don't need anymore.  Then walls and windows get washed, closets get cleaned out, etc. etc.  Yesterday, we bought the paint and supplies and will start painting the inside walls this week.  The shed also got cleaned out so now all the junk that has piled up all winter has a place of it's own, out of my way.  There's just no room in this double-wide to keep alot of crap we don't really need.

I hope things start working out for you, BJ.  Just keep your head up.  Take care.

Kathy thank you for responding. I think it is difficult for people who have "normal" family relationships to even comprehend that sometimes mothers eat their young.

I have been making progress in establishing "no contact" between my mom and me & my kids. This is because she refuses to acknowledge boundaries. She has had several chances over the years and continues to enjoy making things difficult for me so she can swoop in to the "rescue" and look golden in their eyes -- and I finally got sick and tired of it. She has damaged my self-esteem over the years, and it was becoming apparent that her actions and favoritism were causing issues for my son who is autistic. I had to get out of there.

It has been so peaceful here at the new rental house. Money is tight but we have been hanging on.

The stress is taking its toll on me, though. I weighed 184 this morning, the highest ever. I am so damn mad at myself.

-BJ