Uncomfortable

I am over three years out now and can you believe this past weekend I attended two parties where people had not seen me since before surgery.  I felt so uncomfortable with the comments of how great I looked.  I don't feel like I look great, I have gained 15 lbs and just feel horrible.  I almost wanted to just crawl out of the party and get back to my home.  I wanted to be invisible again and here I was out on display.  I haven't felt like this in a long time.  I thought I was passed this but it seems that old habits are really hard to break.  I need some help.  How do I deal with these comments.  Especially when I feel I don't deserve to hear them.  Its nice but who is fooling who by accepting them?  Its so hard!   One good thing is my exercise is starting to pick up again so maybe some of this gain will leave me.   Debbie

I hear ya!!!!  I went to a funeral this weekend and lots of people were making a fuss over me and I was really embarassed.  It made me feel really uncomfotable.  It has been two years and I just want to be part of the crowd and not someone special.  It is really hard and I don't know the right way to respond anymore.  Hopefully someone will have advise for you and I can steal it Ellen

I'm so sorry you feel this way. 15pds really is nothing though!! Im sure it feels like a ton but just get back to hardcore dieting. I'm sure it will come off within the next few months and you'll be feeling better.  I also don't deal with compliments too well. I know this is something I'll have to get over if I get this surgery. Im the largest chic in my family and I know I'll be in the spotlight for a long time!!

I wish I could help you!  Our quest for normal just keeps getting knocked on huh!  Its funny how things like this bother us.  Should they?  Why are we so uncomfortable with ourselves? Debbie

Debbie, I had something similar happen to me when a friend of my husband came to visit about 7 months after my surgery.  He hadn't seen me in over 6 months.  At first, he asked Ed, "where's Mama?" and I was sitting right there when he came in.  When he realized it was me sitting there, he was shocked at the change after losing over 100 pounds.  He was here for over 3 hours and just kept staring at me and then started making sexually suggestive remarks.  I was fine with the comments until he started that crap.  I became very uncomfortable and finally had to tell him ENOUGH.  A few weeks later he came over again and when he started the oogling and acting stupid again, I just looked at him and said, "Please John, that's enough.  You are making me very uneasy (not his real name). After those visits, "John" came by here a couple of times while Ed was out...I was actually scared and hid in the back bedroom as he knocked and rang the doorbell.  No one should be made to feel threatened like that.  I did have words with him about those unannounced visits and he said he would never ever do anything to hurt me, and apologized for being a jerk.  The problem here is, why didn't Ed jump in there when "John" first started talking like an idiot, and defend me?  Turns out that "John" was about 75% drunk and Ed knew it.  People sure get stupid on alcohol sometimes.  That doesn't excuse his behavior and he knows now that if he does it again, he will not be welcome here anymore. I am very proud of my weight loss and most of the time, I welcome flattering comments but get very uneasy when guys stare or say suggestive things.  I've never been the center of attention before so I don't know how to deal with it either. KathyG

The guys that I encountered were straight....I can't blame alcohol.  Which really sucks!  But it is a hard thing to deal with....especially when you are out this far and thought you had dealt with all these compliments a year ago when the loss stopped.  Its funny as it was going off I was uncomfortable then I got comfortable.  I don't remember when comfortable came....was it because there was so much of it and I had to deal?  And now this only happens when people haven't seen me in years.  This is just plain hard! Debbie

Hi Debbie, It's hard to feel like you're on display. One thing to remember is that most people ( ones who don't have surgical display issues LOL ) LOVE to talk about themselves. It's not that hard to turn the conversation very quickly and the focus off of you by saying something like...

Yep, I lost a lot. I feel so much better. So how have you been, I hear your...kid...hubby...sister...insert name and subject matter here. If nothing else comment on their shoes, hair, bag, dog...whatever! People can only make us feel how we let them make us feel. Debbie, I am sure the 15 pounds is making you feel really bad. Please don't focus on that entirely. it does not take away from your over all achievement..all it does is make you realize you are human and not some super model robot woman. You are exercising..you always are one to face up to your issues head on and try to figure them out. THAT is what makes you a success. You are still on your journey, we all are. If anyone thinks this journey has an ending point they are correct..it does have an ending point. Personally I hope I don't get there for a verrrrry long time! Keep on doing what you're doing. Be proud of who you are. Oh by the way...did you get your hair cut? Where did you get those shoes, I've been looking for some of those....ooooo...sorry to hear about your Great Aunt Mildred and that church scandal she was involved in   See...it's easy! Great Aunt Mildred is much more interesting than your weight loss hahaha. Hang in there! Linda

(((((HUGS)))))) to Aunt Mildred!  You are too funny girl!  I did try the tactic of moving the conversation off of me....they were just a little more persistent than I was....then I tried to move away.  Its funny how I have forgotten of losing the weight.  My focus as been on the gain....how to get rid of it and get back down some more.  Perhaps that is what has taken me off my game....I do realize this is a journey and its one that I have to say I am so glad I have taken.  Its has had ups and downs but nothing I would trade...okay I am lying...let me trade the gain!   I want to love the person I have become.  I should.  I don't like being the center of attention but I do like attention.  I like the comfortable attention...not that in the face stuff about how great you look.  I don't think I am that great looking...still fat.  Not as obese as I once was but NO Marilyn Monroe cutie either.  I am not sure if I could ever be Marilyn but would love to give it a try just once.  Thanks so much for the words of encouragement.  I just love coming here and being able to express myself and have others here to lend a hand and understand.  We have all been on the same boat!    Debbie

Debbie,    I am not as far out as you are, but this is my take on the situation.  You have lived, as alot of us, in a world where we were fat and just wanted to hide all the time.  Now that you are thinner, maybe not at goal but still substantially thinner than before, people notice and not knowing what or how to say it make a big deal out of it.  It's very uncomfortable for the recipient of these comments as you are used to "hiding".  What I have found that works simply and gets the conversation moving on, is ackknowledge this change, tell them you've worked hard (and you have even if you have gained back 15lb) and end the conversation.  Be stead on this, it's hard as people want to analyze everything but don't let them....it's not the best solution but it acknowledges your journey and praises your achievement but also lets the circle close and end the conversation.  You do deserve any compliment, so you've gained 15 lb, it's not like you have added back all the weight you once carried...so celebrate yourself.  Enjoy what this tool has given you...

Thank you for your words of encouragememtn.  You are right about celebrating ourselves.  If we don't do it who will?  Its so easy to be invisible.  Its the visible stuff that sucks!  I have to find a way of dealing with this stuff again.  I don't want to be down on myself nor do I want to be the center of attention.  I want to be me. Debbie