Body Dismorphia

See Joni, this is exactly what I am talking about. I too spent so much time, waiting until that magic number popped up on the scale and to finish off with plastics, before I felt I had permission to really enjoy my new found life. And a new found life it truly was/is. Just like you posted. I find myself doing things I never thought possible just 3 short years ago. Problem is, for me, that magic number has never appeared and according to my docs, likely will never appear. I do need surgery to fix my stomach, which I have been avoiding because of financial restraints. I know that if I could do it, it would really help my head games to stop. But what do I do in the interim? I finally had to determine, that my life IS worth living now .. I have already wasted so much time in my life, it would be a shame to continue to waste any more? Please don't confuse this with "I have my head on straight" ... nothing could be further from the truth. I still find myself playing that comparison game, far more often than I care to admit. This is in part why I take breaks from the msg boards. Not because anyone else tries to make me feel bad or lessor, but rather because I put that all on myself. Somehow in my twisted mind, my successes does not equal success unless I did as good as (insert just about any name here). Does that make any sense at all? At any rate, I have come to the conclusion, that if I never, ever fully appreciate my successes and see how far I have come, how can I ever expect to stay here? If I always see "the fat me" in my mind, then perhaps I am already halfway back to be right there? So often we hear that we must envision a goal in our minds before we dare tackle it. I am wondering, what if that "goal" is a negative goal? Will we gain the same results as if it were a positive goal/reinforcement? Perhaps it is time we all start to believe the compliments we receive? Perhaps if our self image is still a bit skewed, someone looking in will have a bit better perspective? Please forgive my rambling, as I am tired (was up all night with two sick children), but hopefully something is making at least a little sense? At the very least, the post is real and from the heart. Hugs to you Joni, you have done an awesome job. I pray you will see you as the rest of the world sees you soon - an awesome lady who has done an incredible job!!!

I've done this for years...any photos of me got thrown out. Mirrors are everywhere but I would never look into them. The harsh truth was too painful and made me feel even more helpless. I look at my photos now. Sure, I am disgusted but I need that to feel humbled. I need to look at them so I can see how far I have come. We all need to be reminded of where we once were. Looking in the mirror is getting easier now. I am trying to develop a positive body image. The best way for me is to not look at my whole body more than once every 2 weeks. Only then can I actually see the changes. I don't fret over gains. Usually a plateau in pound loss means an increase in inch loss. During my first plateau, I didn't lose any pounds for about 5 weeks, but my pants were still getting bigger on me. The fat was moving around and being redistributed. I have gone from having a 56" waist (at it's largest spot) to a 40" waist. I am patient and I know I am not done losing, so I try to enjoy the changes as I go along. I have lost from the top down so it seems like everything has moved south. But I watched my husband's body morph over 2 1/2 years and I know my southern hemisphere will drop off, just like his did. I can wait. KathyG