Body Dismorphia

Body Dismorphia ... What is your take on it? I have really been thinking heavily about this for the past few weeks. Up until lately, I thought it was a post op phenomenon for me, but have since reconsidered. I think the body dismorphia started long before I lost weight. In fact, it was not something new to me as a post op at all ... but rather it was something I dealt with as a pre-op but never understood it or called it as it was? I was in a state of denial before I had surgery and I did not see me as I truly was. I knew I was big, but did not see myself quite as large as I truly was, ya know? I avoided mirrors and the scales like the plague as they told a truth I didn't have to deal with the harsh truth in the comfort of my "own little world". I spent many years tucked away in my closet, avoiding the truth, but living in my own reality. Anyway, here is what I am thinking ... I spent so many years lying to myself, that once I started losing weight, how could I trust what I was seeing in the mirror? After all, it was only after my surgery that I was able to come face to face with the truth of my real pre-op size. Was I simply just lying to myself once again? Was I simply playing head games with myself once again? You see, I spent so many years lying to myself about how large and out of control I had gotten, and yet as a post op, my pre-op pictures were no longer lying to me. I can now look at the pictures and see vividly that I was so much larger than I realized. I cry thinking about how many years of my life were lost in a sea of untruth. How in the world can I now trust someone, anyone who would lie to me for so many years, even if that person is myself? I think that the body dismorphia goes so much deeper that we realize when we are first faced with it ... and for some of us, we have only begun to scratch the surface. However, putting a face with the "monster" that lurks and brings us down, can only help to eventually solve the problem. After all, don't you have to admit the problem before you can find a path to beat it? With that in mind, I believe that for those of us who had trust issues with ourselves, the post op body dismorphia will get better once the trust is back, and this is not an overnight process. For me, it is getting far better, although I still have times of struggle. I find it so interesting how we have so many beautiful folks who have done extremely well and their heads spin trying to play catch up with their bodies. Some making it, others still struggling long afterwards. And this struggle can be another/different source of isolation. Thus we have beautiful post ops who have done an incredible job who are home in isolation playing the comparison game, instead of enjoying each and every second of their new found life. So folks be good to yourself today, be sure to lift yourself up with your words, thoughts and actions, rather than tear yourself down. Enjoy and fully appreciate each and every step you have made to work towards better health, both physical and emotional. Now go ahead, hug yourself and tell you, that you are beautifully and wonderfully made, and realize that each and every small goal you achieve, every affirmation you whisper into your own ear, is one step closer to trusting yourself once again and beating the monster called body dismorphia ... go ahead, no one is watching, except for you! Your thoughts?

This issue is back in my head right now. There is the weight gain although I have stabilized it to 10 pounds...its bothersome. I look at myself these days and see the heavy me back. I see the big budge in stomach, boobs look bigger and of course can 10 lbs really do all that to a person...probably not but its the perception. Its a gain and we know what we looked like before in our denial wares....and let me tell you I was in the denial wares section constantly. I never really wanted to hear how fat I became. I never really looked at myself and now I am doing these comparisons with a body I refused to look at for years. How can I be the judge and accuse myself of turning back into that person. Its hard to be nice to myself now. Old habits do die hard huh. Thanks for the post and making me realize that I do need to like me for me. I need to start to trust myself again I hope its all possible. Hugs and Fleece Blankets Debbie

Ya know Debbie, I just happened across a Tyra "Banks" show the other day. Never watched it before as I generally do not have the TV on in the daytime. However, I was at the ocean and decided to simply sit down and watch TV. Anyway, I turned it on and from what I could make out of the show was the media is onto her (former model) for getting fat. Everyone in the audience had on swimsuits with big bold numbers on the front with their weight. Tyra's said 161. I watched all these woman, and truth be told, there is no way I could have guessed most of their weights. It suddenly hit me ... do I watch others and think about their weight? NO - I don't. Do I watch me and think about my weight - YOU BETCHA!!! There are times I am far too obsessed about it. Tyra said something that really hit home ... she had a "So What" section. Everyone was saying something about themselves and then a so what to go with it. One said, I have large thighs - so what? Another said, I may never lose the extra 30 lbs I would like - so what? and it just goes on and on ... and you know what ... truly ... SO WHAT? Do these things define us? Do they make us a good or bad person? Does our day begin or end with that number on the scale or on the piece of clothing we put on our back??? I am ashamed to admit it, but for me, it has, and sometimes still does. But should it? NO WAY!!! So I am truly trying out this "So What Attitude" Trying to put it into practice. Trying to find what is important in my life ... For instance ... lets say I am not exercising as I should /// "So what?" Well actually, my health, both physical and mental health needs that exercise, sooooo that is a what for me. However, I get on the scale and have a 1 lb gain. Instead of being absolutely crushed for that day and making the life of all those around me crazy .... So what? In the grand scheme of things, does that one pound really make all the difference? Of course, I don't want to let things get out of control, nor do I want to go back into the closet or move back into that state of denial, because then the so what will turn into a problem. But for a day or so ... so wha****er comes and goes, weight fluctuates ... and to obsess over it, will simply drive me totally batty. These past few months, I have been faced with death far more often than I care to think about. Senseless death, young death, crazy ... but in it all, it gives me an ever greater appreciation for life, my life, the life of my family and children. The life of all of us who have been given another chance, ya know? Gosh, I know I am rambling ... and I am sorry about that ... but this past week, I have been touched by two more close and senseless deaths ... and I am trying to process it all. Truly trying to put everything in focus in my life and keeping the priorities straight. Sometimes it is so easy to get off track. Anyway, Debbie, I know together, we will all get through this. And while it is not always a straight and easy path (we do have bumps along the way) it is a path that we are now able to maneuver. Hang in there my friend. I surely do miss you (and everyone else here) so very much!!! If I only I were closer!!! Oh sigh ...

You ramble on okay!!!! I know how it is to ramble.....Thanks for the words! Lets see if we can do some SO WHAT. Sounds like a good game for lots of things in life...not just weight. Hugs and Fleece Blankets. Debbie

WOW...that is what I miss when you and others take time off from posting here. I feel like you are sometimes inside my head. How do you know what I am feeling???? Maybe it is because we are ALL feeling this way and nobody is talking about it. You have given me lots to think about and I hope others will read your post and remember to be good to ourselves...we deserve it. Thanks, Ellen

Be very careful what you are thinking Ellen (when others can get into your mind) ... LOL Seriously, I think that many of us go through the same thing ... Not all of us, but many of us. Enough so, that when someone posts about it, it hits home? I so wish I could say, I never struggle, but I do. It is getting less, but there are still times of extreme struggle. Oh the head games that we play!!! LOL I too think it is so very important to remember to treat ourselves kindly and quit being our own worst critics. You know, the other day I was in the grocery store, and I had a pile of shelves just about fall over on me. I was grabbing at them trying to stop them from falling and the girl working there, jumped up and said - get this "OH HONEY, let me get those, you are so tiny, those shelves are bigger than you are!" This woman was a regular sized woman and here she was calling me tiny? I KNOW my mouth fell open straight to the floor. The last thing I feel is tiny. And yet, here was someone calling me just that? I said something to my hubby about it, and he looked puzzled and said, "You really don't get it do you? You really don't see your real size?" Here I was with a 4 lb gain - feeling quite huge to be honest - and yet this woman was calling me tiny? SOOO instead of taking what she said at face value, I had to disect it ... I had to find a reason where she might use those words, and try to find out what she "really meant" . CRAZY woman I am!!! LOL Of course she could not have really meant what she said, right? Just like the size 4 dress I put on ... It must have been large cut to have actually fit, right? In the words of Tyra ... SO WHAT??? So what if the dress was large cut and not a true 4 ... who cares ... just a couple of years ago, ANY size 4 would have not fit my left tight, let alone my entire body!!! And yet, stinkin thinkin at it finest folks!!! LOL SOOOO together, lets work on getting rid of the stinkin thinkin and work on loving ourselves and appreciating ourselves as much as we love and appreciate our loved ones around us??? In the infamous words of Bob the Builder ... "Can we do this ... YES, we can!"

Tammy, I am soooo in tune with this. I was in denial and still am. Some days I think I look pretty good, and other days I look at myself in disgust. How could this happen? Some days I think "No way to Plastic surgery" and other days I think I better do something with this extra skin. This emotional roller coaster was supposed to stop after WLS. But I think it has started a new career with me. I am extremely proud of myself for doing something about my weight issue. But in the same token I can only blame myself for letting it get this out of hand. Constant battles are going on in our heads all the time. I wish the Dr's could fix that too. LOL. This is why your posts have always meant so much to me. Such wisdom and insight. Trusting yourself is not an easy task. In the past I failed miserably. The new post WLS me will never fail again. What an emotional tug of war. We did an exercise at the 1st Women to Women group with Margaret Keenan,. We meditated back to a place where we were pre-WLS. It was extremely emotional for alot of us. Some were angry at the old me. Some were sad. Some wanted to leave that old person behind and some wanted to bring her with us to our new place. Just being in a room with so many others that are experiencing what I was, is so gratifing. I am not alone. My biggest fear has been recognized and now I can conquer it. As usual thanks for your ability to bring out the demons and spear them in the heart. Daily hugs are in order my friend. Hugs to Debbie, Tina, Mary, Diane, Deanne, Dee, Nicki, Linda & Lisa too. You guys are the best. I promise to hang on with everything I have. It just keeps getting better & better. ((HUGS)) Elissa

Dang woman ... you took the words right out of my mouth! LOL I know exactly what you are saying. Your exercise with Keenan, sounds interesting. I think when I look back, I pity the person I was ... does that sound too weird? Truly, I feel sorry for her as almost as if it were not even me? I feel strangely disconnected to a certain degree. Perhaps that just shows the extent of issues??? LOL I know it was me, and yet, it was not me. I was not truly that person, I only played her in real life because that was what was expected of me or so I thought? Anyway, since this surgery, I have found that I simply can not afford the luxury to hide away in the closet with any issue ... those demons have to be brought forth and faced head on if I intend to ever make any of this work? WHEW ... someone forgot to tell me just how much work post op life was ???? LOL I was so ready for the physical, but this emotional stuff really blindsided me!!! I am glad to see you hanging on with everything you have ... but know, you are so not alone. I am, we all are, just a phone call away, even when our computers are not online. Truly we are all in this together and anything I can ever do to help anyone along the way, I consider it an honor. Hugs to you my wonderful friend!!! Sure do miss you all so much, you just don't know!!!

Wow, what a phenominal post!!! I'm one of those post-ops in isolation playing the comparison game. I've lost 134 lbs, with 35 to go until I'm at a "normal" weight, but I'm not satisfied, and am still putting things off "until I get to goal". I went from a size 26 to a size 14, but I still don't like to go shopping for new clothes. I'm waiting for that 35 lbs and plastics before I can feel like I've done well. I look at pre-op pictures of myself or the few pre-op clothes I kept, and I can't believe I was ever there...but some days I still feel like I'm that size. I amaze myself almost every day with the things I can do that I couldn't have done 2 years ago; I play racquetball, play golf, do yardwork, go hiking, and many other things I haven't done in years...but I still don't have a good body image. I will take your advice, thank you so much!!! Joni 309/175/140