Self-Doubts....fear of failure

Anyone out there having these feelings as a post op? Lately I have been so worried about gaining the weight back. Frightened is more like it. I am 14 1/2 months out and find that I can fit more in my pouch. I don't want to be able to eat more....i liked getting full on a thimble full of food. I also have been getting a little down about this plateau I have been on. I have been playing with the same 5 pounds for the last 2 1/2 months and it is starting to make me crazy. I have lost 125 lbs and yet there are times when I think that isn't that much. I should have lost more by now. What? Am I crazy? 14 months ago I weighed over 300 lbs, was wearing 30/32's. I am now in a size 14. I just got my 1st pair of ski pants in the mail and they FIT!!! That is another thing. When I looked at myself in those ski pants tonight, I thought (WOW!) I looked really good. Yet this morning, I changed my clothes like 5 times because I thought everything made me look fat. They are the same clothes and body I saw in the mirror a couple of months ago and was thrilled to death with what I saw. So what is going on? Everything is going so well, why do I feel this impending feeling that I am going to fail? I am working the program pretty well although I have trouble fighting off the urge to snack at night. lately drinking a cup of dunkin donuts decaf at night helps because it takes a while to drink so I don't find myself heading toward the kitchen. I am exercising only 1 to 3 times a week which is okay, but I know I need to do more if I want to keep losing and maintain my loss. So can anyone give me some words of wisdom? I tried to share my fears with my husband tonight and although he tries to understand, he just doesn't get it. thanks, terri

Terry, My suggestion is to get to a support group Quick!! or to see your psycologist to overcome these fears. You can sabatage what you are trying to do if you don't get a grip. By what you said, you are doing amazing, pat yourself on the back. It is scarey and I agree, folks that have not been there do not understand. I try to tell people about getting into a size 9 or 10 and feeling wonderful, and then again crazy. I still go to the plus size and I am 14 months out as well. I have not done a swell as you, I only had 70 pounds to lose , I needed the surgery for medical. I wore an 18w and had no problems with getting in seats, etc, as I am 5' 8" and tall. I still feel fat sometimes, and when the skin is gone, then I will look at myself naked in the mirror (smile). What you are feeling is the years of obsity, and the 14 months of being normal. It plays a big thing in your head, which is why support groups are so great as we have all been there and understand. If you have not been "here" then you will not know what we are feeling and talking about. I look and feel great, and I look in all mirrors, with clothes on, and I am working hard on my mind, stop playing the games on me. Best of Luck BlkNectar Enjoy the new look and the first chance or buying from anorma catalog and it fits. I am enjoying each and every day, now I don't have the money I did when I bought harger clothes, and you know what really sucks??? Everyone is wearing a size 10 and I have nothing to wear!! Best of Luck, and you are not alone, go to a support group. Thoses 5 pounds will always come and go, but work hard at keping them off and good luck!! BlkNectar

Thanks Jayne. What you said about feeling the years of obesity and suddenly normal makes a lot of sense to me. I was talking to a good friend tonight and we were discussing this. All the years of feeling badly about ourselves may not have been good but it was familiar and maybe we tend to want to fall back on familiar as we take on these new and sometimes intimidating experiences. It is like, is this really me? this new body? new lease on life? good health? You are right... it would be a good idea to go talk to the psychologist to help get my head around all of it. Another good bud gave me the same advice. thanks for your insight! terri

Hi Terri, I'm going on 9 months and understand what your talking about . Being frightened because our pouches can hold more than they used to. I just go back to the early training. Load up on water, or decaf coffee before supper. You have acomplished so much on your "Journey", Tell that thin beautiful lady you see in the mirror every morning that you are in control and that your not going to give up! So,relax and get ready to fight off the holiday temptations that are heading your way. I have something to eat before I go to any partys so I am not hungry when I am faced with those foods. This way I decide what I am eating. My wife brings lots of things that I shouldn't eat into the house and on occasion I have strayed and have paid the price. Had a piece of key lime pie and frankly, got sick to my stomach. That cured me fo a while,lol, So just keep up the wonderful job you are doing and when in doubt, just look at that lady in the mirror! Be Well, Julio

Terri I emailed you privately Hugs KK

Thanks Julio. I still don't have the water loading thing down. I get sick to my stomach if I drink too much too fast. I have to work on that. And I will definately have to tell myself that I see "thin" the next time I look in the mirror. It will take some practice. You are so sweet. terri

Terri~ As I am sure you already know... you are not alone with your feelings. Bravo to you for speaking up and asking for guidance. We do this journey together. I echo what BlkNectar said about support groups. I find them invaluable. And by going, you will offer your support to "newbies". It works hand in hand. We were just talking about some of the issues you bring up here in our support group last night. Being able to get in more food the farther out one gets. That can absolutely trigger fear. Logic will tell you that we could not live on a thimble of food forever. And I am learning to tolerate the larger portions (which are really normal to small portions) as part of this journey. This why I still see a nutritionist regularly. She helps me adjust to each stage of my weight loss. I have come to the recent awareness that in order to be successful long-term, I need to "micro-manage" my plan(s), be it exercise, food intake, etc. So maybe you are hitting a natural stage of reassessment. And always remembering the "basics", as Julio talks about is key (in my book). And telling ourselves... we are worth is. This is what we received as part of our support group last night. I find it fitting for your situation. I CELEBRATE ME I am worth celebrating. I am worth happiness. I am worth everything. I am unique. In this world there is only one me. There is no person with my talents, experiences, gifts. No on may take my place. God created only one me, precious in His sight. I have immense potential to love, care, create, grow, take risks, if I believe in myself. It doesn't matter what I have been, the things I've done, mistakes I've made, people I've hurt. I am forgiven. I am accepted. I am okay. I am loved in spite of everything. So I nourish my seeds within me. I celebrate me. I begin now. I start anew. I give myself new-birth today. I am me. and that's all I need to be. Today is a new beginning. A new life, given freely. So I celebrate the miracle, and I celebrate me. ~Anonymous Be well... Towanda

Towanda, thanks for sharing "I Celebrate Me" and all the great advice about meetings. They are definately keys to success and I haven't been going as much as I used to. thanks for your support terri

They truly help. And the lasting friendships I have found are invaluable for the days when there is no support group meeting. I can make a phone call or email somebody to keep me on track or just help me laugh at life. I hear Dr. Aranow offers good ones. This journey is far bigger than we ever imagine prior to surgery. The food thing... you know? So getting as much in our bag'o'tricks is imperative. (in my book) You are going to be OK... you are proactive and that says volumes. See you around the campfires. Towanda

Hi Terri, Wow, can I relate to what you posted!! I am 18-1/2 months out, and petrified of gaining weight! I have not gained or lost a pound since June or July. I was 313 and now am 187. I also wear size 14, down from an extremely tight 26/looser 28. I would like to lose 12 more pounds and get into a size 12. I have stuck to my program like glue, no sugar, lots of water, lots of protein, little carbs, etc. I have been inconsistent with exercise, sometimes going a couple months with none, then going all out 7 days a week. The last few months I have exercised every day, still no weight loss, although I have noticed more definition in my arms, and less fat on my thighs. Right at Thanksgiving I tried my first taste of sugar - I had a forkful of cheesecake that my aunt made. Then for 3 or 4 days afterward, everytime I cut a slice of it for my hubby I had another forkful. It doesn't sound so bad, but it woke up "the beast" as I like to call my sugar craving. It scared me that everything I have worked so hard for I can throw away if I choose to give in to the cravings. I stopped playing around with that. I have no desire to become what I was before. But I still feel like I am fat, I still feel like a failure and that I will fail at this eventually too. I also change repeatedly sometimes because I feel too fat. I feel like I should not wear form fitting clothes, or that I am too fat to try to look sexy, etc. But, just because I feel that way, doesn't mean it has to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am constantly fighting in my head with the old me, and the newer, leaner, healthier, and way happier me. I am trying to focus on how far I have come, and to be satisfied with where I am, instead of comparing myself to those who have met goal or continued losing past goal. That only makes me feel down, and that's not a good place for me to be. I don't have any advice other than to keep working your program as best as you can, and we'll get adjusted to our new way of life. Which like someone else said, is very new to us. We have years of old memories or tapes, or bad behaviors and bad thoughts of ourselves to erase. Hang in there, I think you look beautiful by the way. Anne