Feeling really bad

I had a huge run in with my sister yesterday. I had told her awhile ago that I was going to be having WLS and she said she was worried about it. At that time she offered to take care of me after the surgery, so i thought she was offering to be my angel. I called last night to invite her to an upcoming meeting with me so she could learn about the surgery. I barely got the words out when she proceeded to rip my face off. She said she didnt agree with the surgery and had no interest in learning about it. She only offered to help me after because my no good husband would not be there for me. She yelled at me that I was taking the easy way out and why dont I just go on a diet like everyone else. This is a woman who has struggled with weight all her life. I was flabbergasted by her behavior. And hurt beyond belief from her stinging words. Why is she acting like this? Has anyone else experienced family members that turned on you when you told them you were having WLS. She said she didnt need to learn about the surgery. I said to her if you want to take care of me you have to be on my side, not against it. I told her she could not be my angel. After thinking about the conversation, Im not sure I ever want to speak to her again. This was like the straw that broke the camels back in our relationship. I have never felt more betrayed by my sister as I do right now. Has anyone else experienced this. Im so hurting today. Im going to the meeting tonight in Middlesex and boy do I need a meeting. thanks for listening Lauren

Lauren: I'll be at the meeting tonight - let's look for each other so I can give you a BIG HUG! I have had some similar issues with family members (especially the overweight ones). Now I know how they feel, I don't include them in on any updates or really talk to them much. I think it's ignorance and lack of information on their part. We've taken the time to study it in detail, yet we are treated as if this is the easy way out. We all know that not to be true. Also, I know on my behalf, that once I'm not the "fat" friend or sibling, I'll have a different role in the family, and it worries others. Maybe that is what is going on with your sister too. Your role will change...... Good luck - and stay here for support. I think it's wonderful that you are going to the meeting tonight. You'll get lots of support for sure!

Lauren, The problem may be that she is jealous that you have the courage to change your life, you know longer will be the bigger one and she can not no longer hide behind you and if you understand what I am saying. She will always be looked at as the big one and she is scared to make any of the change herself. To name call and put other people down is simply uncalled for however. It will be up to you to talk to her again but right now you do not need anything negative in your life. I also have friends and family who are trying to talk me out of this but it comes to the point where I refuse to talk about it with them. I am not going to be the butt of anyone jokes or mistreatment. Still trying to decide if I will be going to the meeting but probably not.

I had a simalair experience yesterday. I was at a family tag sale and the idea for my WLS has only been talked about by a few choice members. I was keeping it from my grandmother because she is old fashioned and thought she wouldnt approve. Well, my mother had already told her and to my surprise, she said "Well, I just hope you did your research". Her way of saying " I support you". However, my Aunt was also there and she over heard. "OH MY GOD, tell me you are kidding, Beckie! That is just the latest fad!". I just looked at her then back to my other two aunts and grandmother. They all supported me but her. My mom and dad back me up 100%. Even though her opinion wont change my mind, she still hurt my feelings. They say that blood is thicker than water but sometimes I wonder... Lauren, your sister may be jealous or maybe she just doesnt approve.. but that gives her no right to yell at you.. This is your choice and your future.. dont let anyone put a damper on what you feel is right! (I think I am telling this to myself as well!!). I will be in the Middletown meeting tonight as well and can not wait to meet the people I have been chatting with.... See you there!!! Beckie

Hi Lauren, I hardly told anyone about my upcoming surgery - only those that I knew for sure would be supportive. As the surgery got closer, I told a few others - but mostly people only knew that I was having some type of surgery. I didn't even tell my own mother that I was going into the hospital. I called her the next day to tell her about it - she was hurt, but I knew I needed only positive reinforcement prior to surgery. She would have been worried, and probably judgemental (always has been) so she was better off not knowing. I told her after that I needed people who wouldn't be nervous - and she has been ok with that. I did all this because I expected people to act like your sister did, and I wanted to protect myself. I did know, however, that the people in my life cared for me, and really meant well, and I hope that is the case with your sister. This is a life-changing event for you - give her some time, she will come around, I'm sure. God Bless, Kathy Bilodeau Lap RNY 12/3/03 -101 lbs.

Thanks all of you, your words of encouragement are a big help. I cant wait to see you all at the meeting. I will think about the things youve said. I have to admit I dont want to forgive her. I have always been the person to turn the other cheek and I have been doing it so much lately with everyone. I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I want to say to people. "Hey, thats unacceptable behavior and Im not going to take your crap anymore". I for once in my life want people to suffer the consequences for the things they say to me that hurt my feelings by not talking to them for a VERY long time. Maybe THEN they will be a little more careful when they choose their words. I would never have told her had she not offered to take care of me. I had no idea she was going to turn on me like that. It was so unexpected and so unlike her. She has always been my strongest advocate. Her behavior is so uncharacteristic. But lately she has been acting really oddly this year. thanks for listening Lauren

Hi Lauren, Sorry to hear that your sister isn't being supportive and caring as she should be. I did the same thing as Kathy and told very few people about my surgery, only the ones I was 99% sure would be supportive. The only one who I was wrong about was one of my MIL's (I have three, lucky me!!) and she said I would die on the operating table! I understand how you are feeling and honey, take the high road. Maybe it'll be best for now to not discuss anything with your sister about your surgery. She is jealous and insecure and doesn't know how to deal with the new sister dynamics so she is lashing out. Don't bring yourself down by responding to her, come to a meeting, drench yourself in supportive friends, and you and I both know this is not the easy way out! If you need an angel my services are free, and I'm a prett darn good one (although my DH will tell you I'm never an angel with him). Hang in there, she's nervous and scared for you. But you know in your heart of hearts what is right for you. Breathe, -Deb

Hijacking the thread- SORRY! But, Deb- this is a GREAT picture- you cutie! ;) Lisa C

Lauren, I have a sister who I believed would be totally with me regarding the surgery. I was surprised to have her tell me that she does not agree that it would be such a wonderful thing for me. She told me to just keep up the diet that I have been doing to lose the 10 lbs Dr Aranow required of me. It has taken me 10 weeks to lose 10 lbs.. it is not easy..she knows that since she also has been struggling with weight all her life...like me...and you. I am going to the meeting tonight and I hope to see you there. I'm sorry your are having to deal with this since if you are like me you have struggled with the decision and once you made the decision you gain peace and excitement ...looking forward to a new chance to live! HugsHugsHugsHugsHugsHugs Pattie D

I'm going to be the the "different" voice. Sometimes people are opposed to this surgery because they are afraid for your health/safety. Let's face it, there have been pretty scary stories on television and in the press about WLS and the fly-by-night-surgeons who have botched things for people...I mean people have DIED! One of my closest friends was opposed to me having the surgery. When I took the time to inquire (with an open mind-not in an argumentative way) why he objected, he told me about two people that he knew who had the surgery. One had serious complications and almost died, the other gained back all the weight PLUS a year after the surgery. Mike was afraid for me...he didn't want anything bad to happen to me and (in his limited experience) the surgery doesn't work. Well, there are no guarantees in this surgery...and the true end result is entirely up to us...but the odds of sucess are a lot better than what he had been lead to believe. Don't be too hard on those who don't understand, have their own weight issues, are afraid for our health. Some of these concerns will go away if they take the time to check out the information about the surgery-but you can't "make the horse drink." I agree that we should try to stick with the folks who do support us...however, don't give up on the ones who don't...they are entitled to their opinion. Ann 314/257/150