Recent RNY Patient

Hello Everyone, Long story short my husband's "ex girlfriend" had RNY a little over a week ago. Grant it everyone is different with their journey and I can't compare apples to oranges but I am SOOOO frustrated with her. Knowing her background the way my husband & I do she is a ticking time bomb waiting to happen with her health. She refuses to walk (it's too hot) barely listens to what the Dr. wants her to do...& actually removed her staples herself...Unbelieveable. I went & picked her up a few supplies for "phase 2" and gave her a little tough love...but I swear it's talking to a wall. She hasn't showered in a week (gross) which is besides the point. Has anyone known someone who had the surgery where you just "know" that they're setting themselves up for failure? She truly believes that having the surgery and losing weight will change her life dramatically...new romance, job, etc..etc...etc... I think you all get the picture. She has alot of personal/medical issues which just compounds the problem. She failed her physc test and had to take it a 2nd time so that in itself is alarming to me. My husband & I are concerned for her...and I want to mentor her & help her where I can...but I already feel that the "train" is going to go out of control soon...& I honestly don't want to be a part of the emotional/physical roller coaster that could & probably will happen. My husband wants to "cut the ties" asap as he has been with me every step of the way and pretty much knows the in's/out's of By-pass..and feels strongly that this gal's train is going to go off it's track fairly soon, and doesn't want to be a part of it when it happens I'm not a "doom & gloom" type of person...& I talked with her quite frequently before her surgery and that she would have a "big picture" of everything it and not to put her expectations so high on a pedistal when it comes to "changing her life"...I'm pretty frustrated and honestly afraid for her. When I saw her today part of me wanted to "shake" her & tell her to snap to it and the other half had pity/compassion for her. She has high hopes that losing weight is going to be a cure for everything else in her life...sigh...there are many wonderful "WOW" moments that we all know, cherish, and share with each other on our journeys and until she sees that not everything is a cloud nine...it'll be a reality check for her...and that's what I'm worried about. Thanks for letting me vent & share my concerns gang, Mickey .

Hey Mickey, First of all your a better person than I could be with this. She gives me the impression she is a timebomb. You dont need to be around someone like that, if she does not want the help then just walk away. She needs serious emotionally. You have done the best you can sweetie, dont stress out over this. Your a wonderful person for trying to be there for her, but it seems that she does not want the help. She will have to find out the hard way she is being very destructive to herself and others. God bless her and you for trying to help her. Hugs KimC

Hi Miss Kim, Thanks for your response. I'm hoping that she'll go to some support groups where she can hear/share experiences and that she'll get some insight to exactly what the expectations can/will be with the WLS. Mark & I decided we're stepping back and until she's ready or willing to make a turnaround in her thinking and she's a little farther out post-op ..(which unfortunately may never happen.) and if this is the case we'll need to cut our ties. She's a good person and I want her to be successful and enjoy her journey and all the WOW moments...but I think she might miss them due to her focus on unrealistic expectations. Hugs back at you, Mic

Mickey, You nor your husband can change a person, she needs to want to do this for herself and follow any & all rules her Dr. has given her. Is it possible she is jealous of your success with WLS, or even the meer fact that you have her "ex"? She may want the two of you to feel pitty for her, hence her acting this way?!?!? Maybe you can get in her brain and let her know that WLS is not a "cure all". If she is messing up now, then it's safe to say, she will be a failure as far as the weight loss goes. If this happens all she has done is waste alot of peoples time & energy. Sometimes you need to let the door kick people in the ass, if not, they will never learn. Don't worry about her anymore, take care of yourself before she brings you down with her. Good luck!!

My perspective is a little different have lead the new patient meetings for a few years at our program-- people who I would have thought would be failures, figured it all out for themsevles and became not just successful but wonderful role models. But, I never found anyone that I could force-feed compliance. Either people need to learn everything for themselves, which can cause them some pain but makes the lessons more memorable, or they are willing to trust the lessons being taught them from more experienced post-ops. In either case, this person will have some measure of success but will probably have some disappointments given the unreasonableness of her expectations. When that happens, provided you haven't been too judgmental, she just might feel comfortable coming to you for some guidance. Then again, given that she seems like a pain in the butt, I don't know if I'd look forward to that I-told-you-so moment (as sweet as it might be). Of course, you could simply suggest that she find someone from her surgeon's program who could serve as her mentor and then wash your hands. Good luck.

Hi Steve, Thank you so much for sharing your feedback with me. I haven't been judgemental at all with the gal, and have been as honest as possible with WLS and it's ups/downs. I did recommend the support groups at her hospital as honestly she can be draining emotionally and hopefully, if she sees others sharing their experiences it might help her get some clarity. I don't want her to fail with the WLS as it can change her life in a positive and healthy manner, I'm just truly afraid for her overall well being. My hubby & I discussed it further and the next time she calls or asks for help we'll have a gentle "sit down" with her and let her know neither one of us can "be there" for her in the capacity that she is expecting. Hopefully she'll have a good turnaround and when/if she does I want to be there for her. Thank you again, Mickey

Really, it sounds like you've doneyour part and now it's time to let her sink or swim on her own. let he know you're there for her should she choose to seek out suppoer. She's going to have to figure it out on her own. It's a pretty big red flag that her expectations going in are unrealistic, but you can't FORCE anyone to see the light, much as you may want to and fee it's for her own good. I should hope that because she had a questionable psych eval to begin with and is non-compliant (from what it seems like you're saying) that the Doctor will be astute and caring enough in his follow ups that he'll catch her a bit and help her to succeed. Dr. A used to grill me in my follow ups and I always felt that he was just LOOKING for problems to address or help solve. I hope her surgeon is as good and consientious enough about his aftercare that he does the same. Feel good knowing that yo've tried to help and that you're there for her should she need it, then leave it at that. Best wishes to you, Lisa C