Please Help....Marriage Problems...need advice

I am having serious marriage problems and I want to seek help for myself. The first step would be to find a good phycritrist (cant spell) does anyone know of a good one in the Hartford County area who knows about Gastric Bypass or who is familar with all that.......... Im so upset right now.......... I dont know what to do, I want to leave but have no money, and I have my 2 kids.. we just dont love each other anymore, we HATE each other actually and the fights are horrendous (sp) He was not supportive of WLS way before I had it, and now he throws it inmy face (now that Im down 110lbs) that HE PAID FOR THE SURGERY AND I OWE HIM etc etc....he didnt even come see me in the hosptial until 2 days after my surgery.......this is horrible..........Im soooooooooooo upset..........I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO........ has anyone gone through a separation before? were you a single mom? how did you do it? I have no family to help me. So that is not an option. God, I just dont know what to do.....please help ~Bethany

Hi Bethany, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a rough time with things. I don't know of any psychiatrists in your area, but do you want to go for meds? If so, than you do need a psychiatrist. If it's therapy that you want, a PhD or a MSW (social worker) will help you. If you need to go on meds, call your surgeon's office. I'm sure that they have a list of psych's that are familiar with WLS and will be able to help you. I've never had a separation before. But, for some couples, they help. Have you tried couples therapy? Is your husband willing to go? Try not to fight in front of the kids, and don't go out and rebound by finding another relationship. This would be the worst thing to do. One thing at a time. You'll have to get to the bottom of why your husband is so resentful of you having surgery and why he thinks you owe him $$$ for having the surgery. Did you pay cash for it? If it was by insurance, you owe him nothing. And even still, should owe him nothing for it because of being in a union of marriage. Take some deep breaths and don't make any rash decisions. This seems to have been happening over some time, it won't go away over night. My sister got divorced and was a single mom to two kids. She had to really dig down deep and take care of herself and her kids. It was really tough, but she's been doing it for some time now. She had to change her career to make more money and take on a Sunday job to get some extra. She really had no family help either. But, it's made her stronger and realize that it was the best move for her and her kids to do. The kids have a good relationship with their dad and she and her ex get along pretty well as divorced people instead of married. Take one step at a time and you'll work things out. It seems like you're in a real panic right now and it's a tough time to make decisions. Start off with making some calls to find a psych to help you and move on from there. Hang in there. paula

I have never been married so I can not help in that situation. But my mom has been married three times. I can honestly say that the best times that we enjoyed as mother and child were when she wasn't married b/c these marriages have never made her happy. If there is hope that you and your husband can sit down (even with a member of the clergy or with a counselor of some sort) and work out your issues, then great. But I can say from experience that if you are both unhappy, your kids will be better off with divorced happy parents rather than married miserable parents. Even if you are managing not to argue directly in front of the children they can still sense tension and anger. Its not a good way to live for anyone. Finances are a tricky situation. I don't care if he paid for the entire procedure out of pocket, unless you agreed that it was a loan, you don't actually owe him anything. It was (I assume) medically necessary. He couldn't hold a heart transplant over your head, could he? I guess my point is, don't let guilty feelings keep you in an unhappy situation. Also, I am sure that this doesn't help, but you look great. Love the new pic!

Hi Bethany, So sorry to hear about your situation. As the 14th of 14 children I have seen many of my brothers and sisters go thru Divorce and have seen the effects of their kids as well. Paula is right, First take a deep breath! Then try to get some conseling, Know it will be hard but its will be part of the process be it voulentary (Hey, I can't spell either!) of court ordered. Your kids need a mom and a dad and if there's the slightest glimmer that your problems can be worked out, you should try. Once you start the process there are agencys that can help every step of the way. Last thing you want to do is just run away (unless you are frightened about yours or your kids saftey). Know the Idea of working things out may sound insane at the moment but once there is a third party involved hopefully there will less yelling and more communicating. Hopefully which ever way this ends up it will be civil and will spare the children as much trauma as possible. Take care and my Prayers go out to you and your whole family. Julio

First off- hugs coming your way...((((HUG)))) Hang in there hon. It's VERY emotionally draining to have to think about dissolving your marriage. I was divorced post-WLS, but not under the same cir****tances, so I can't be much help with your cir****tance. I went through a speeration for about 6 months before ultimately deciding on divorce. I'm NOT a mom, and it was HELL for me financially and emotionally! So, I do understand where you're going. What I can tell you is- it's great that you're seeking out help for yourself. It's a wonderful think to talk to someone objective who can help you gain insight into your behaviors/relationships/emotions/feelings. PLEASE also try to get him to go to couples counseling with you. Even if he won't SAY anything or participate, at least try to get him to go, if not for YOU and HIM then for the kids. Go to the library and get some books. I particularly liked The Walking Out Woman. In fact, you can have my copy if you email me, I'l mail it to you. They'll help you a lot to read other perspectives. Lastly- my therapist once said to me- when we were talking about how my husband used to always throw in my face 'I don't know who you are, you've changed, you're not the person I married...etc" So- where in your marriage vows was "To Always stay the same'...We grow, it's part of life, we change and evolve- that's natural, but sometimes our spouses are threatened and get resentful of any changes. It's the duty of those in a marriage to adapt and adjuct to changes and make the marriage stronger and better. YOU don't have to feel guilty for changing. I can't tell you how guilty and responsible I felt for having "CHANGED" (how dare I!) that really helped me to feel a lot better. It sounds like you may be in the receiving end of your husband's resentment of the new you...so, try not to feel too guilty about that. Anyway- I wish you the absolute best. Feel free to email me if you want. Best, Lisa C

Bethany- looking at your profile- waaaayyyy back in the beginning you said that hubby said "you are going to get skinny and leave me" maybe he's initiating problems because he's insecure about having a wife who is no longer obese. Maybe he is afraid you will leave him- for another man, therefore he's acting out. I don't think you need a counselor who specifically has dealt with WLS patients- I think there were problems before- judging by that entry in your blog- and its culminating now. A good marriage therapist should be enough. Definitely get yourself to a counselor. And stop fighting in front of your kids, you are damaging them- not trying ot be harsh just as the child of a bad bad marriage that ended in a bad bad divorce- you can never erase the damage you do them by hauling out your marital problems in front of your kids. Try to save it if its worth saving- if its not take guidance from the counselor in how to do the least amount of damage to the kids in breaking it up. You owe the kids that. Do ask yourself what kind of husband doesn't go to his wifes bedside immediately when she's had surgery- my husband was there when I woke up- that's the way its supposed to happen.....he needs to do some growing up I think.

Hi Bethany... I don't have much time to respond right now... but I definately WILL! I have been in your shoes... almost to a "tee"... perhaps I'll send you an e-mail shortly, it's more private that way!! Talk to MaryJo, she knows some of what I've been through.. I will definately get back to you soon here, I want to help you out girly!!! -Carol Jean

Hi Bethany, First & foremost my thoughts and prayers are out to you & your family during this very stressful & difficult time. I was married 7 years with my 1st marriage, lost my job of 13 years right when we seperated officially (we were seperated 6 months on our final year together) and had a not yet 1 year old toddler. (he married me when I was thinner and I grew in size during the course of our marriage my weight wasn't a factor.) I was poorer than poor...I was too proud to "ask for help" (Thank God for MOMS) who came to my rescue. I did finally seek help from the state while I looked for employment. They didn't give me much (food stamps and a check for $350.00 monthly, along w/Wic) but it was the BEST summer I had. I was able to utilize some of that time to reconnect with my baby after being worked to death by my ex and my job. It was also the most humbling experience of my life. I did see a therapist during my seperation for the abuse (verbal/emotional) I went through along with some spiritual things that I won't get into, and it really helped get my head on straight. In addition, we did try marriage counceling as a couple...unfortunately more things came to light that made me move towards finalizing the divorce...(although he served me) You don't need a therapist who understands WLS...if you're looking for a good therapist in the Enfield area I can give you her name she's a straight shooter but let's you see yourself as you really are...(ouch) and helps you get through all the emotional upheavel that you're going through/get things in perspective. I agree with everyone else...keeping the argueing out from under your babies noses. They don't need the stress and anxiety. They feel enough as it is. As for the surgery...comes with the marriage you don't owe him a dime. If insurance covered it or if it was something you both financially planned for, you did it as a married unit. I struggled for a good year after my divorce was final Bethany, there were alot of "bad days" but the good in knowing I made the right decision for my son and my mental well being was worth everything that had any $$ value that I lost during the divorce. I told the judge I didn't really care about the monitary things...I wanted my son and my life back. Don't jump over the ship yet...seek counceling for yourself seperately and as a couple...work at your marriage until you both know that there is no reconciliation...try not to go by bad emotions as they can really damage any "good" you both are trying to connect with. A final note with the kids...they see, hear, & feel everything that is going on in their house. My mom & dad stayed in a loveless, mean, & hateful marriage for 30 years (2 seperate bedrooms) if my parents only knew how much damage their relationship & dysfunction caused my sister & I growing up I believe they would have re-thought staying in the marriage "for the kids" and would have moved on to seperate more healthy lives. You have a road ahead of you Bethany please don't jump too soon with a decision, as right now there is alot of emotion and anger that is taking place. Think of therapy and counceling asap and be good to yourself...you're a strong gal who has taken charge on positive changes for your life/health for the better, you will get through this also with your head held high and with the best decision being made for you & your family. HUGS Mickey

First of all I want to thank EVERYONE who had offered their advice and experiences....It has helped me soooooooo much!!! I just got home from work (which I am so glad I went..thankyou MaryJo) And I had talked with my husband about what I want and I wanted to know what he wants.......the talk was ok....nothing fabulous but it was civil and concluded that we are going to try to make this work....and NO FIGHTING infront of the kids.......... we did say that yes we still have feelings.....not totally dead yet.......I told him I made a therapy appt for myself......Im also going to try some new Antidepressants..... my WLS Dr told me that not all antidepressants are absorbed they way they were preop............. so anyway, I felt all your thoughts and prayers and LiSA C thank you for the ((hugs)) Im glad you responded................preop I read your profile.... a lot and know you went through some marraige issues, so Im so glad I have someone who can relate and know how Im feeling So the Therapist is calling me in the morning to set the appt...............OH and I also applied for a full time teaching postion for next fall.......please cross your fingers for that.....I think getting back to my teaching career will do a world of good for me and my family. For anyone who is preop and they are reading this: remember this: BEING THIN DOESNT SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.....................I knew that before, but I still said to myself "oh but they will be better" well you can still be depressed (you just look better ) Thanks everyone....I feel so much better xoxox Bethany