Bummed and discouraged ... part question and part rant

How do you guys deal with lack of support from your spouse/family?

I was talking to my hubby about my appt today with the weight loss clinic doctor and he goes into this weird mode of "is this the doctor that wants to cut your guts open and ruin your life?"

I just stood there almost in tears... I did speak my truth and tell him I needed his support in whatever I do and if he was going to be negative or put things down then he could just keep it to himself.

I also explained that "no, this is the doc that works at the weight loss clinic that is educating me about my eating and my exercise options"

And another thing - the clinic almost seems like they are against the surgery...it's too soon to get a read on it that's accurate but they do seem to discourage it alot. I not only have to go through 6 months of bariatric education (about the surgery itself) but I have to attend weekly groups on rotating topics for 26 weeks. I have tons of hoops to jump through and that's all well and fine... I just wished they "meshed" together better.

I know this is an intensely personal decision... I have already decided to be very selective about the people I tell - but I never really thought much about my husbands REAL thoughts on the surgery and the way I'm already changing my eating patterns.

He's all about "willpower" your way to a healthy weight and everything, and trying to explain it to him is...like talking to a brick wall. He wants me to explain this surgery to him and I just want to email him links to information so he can read it himself.

I'm having the surgery with or without his support...my concern is ... has anyone had a spouse that sabotaged your choices? I am not sure that's what is going on but I want to be prepared. I'm already thinking "well maybe I shouldn't come home right after surgery...maybe I should stay with a friend or someone who has had the surgery until I have the hang of it"

I'm already attending WLS support groups to get to know people that have had the surgery and I'm already in therapy to address some of the emotional issues that drive me to eat.

My 21 year old daughter thinks I haven't tried everything and am "giving up on myself"

I don't know what to think or do at this point and frankly, I'm glad that my surgery isn't until fall/winter time because I'm going to need that time to prepare.

It's almost like I have to put on my game face and I'm alone in the game. It's like I have to fight the people I love that are closest to me for my health. It's flipping crazy!

It's just discouraging...but I know that this is HIS reaction to all of this - at least I have a place to go to for support and I feel bad for him that he has nowhere to go. I could point him in the direction of the spouses forum but I'm not sure he'll go. 

Just needed to vent and get it OUT.

My husband drove me crazy too. (I knew he was really just afraid of the surgery but it still pissed me off.) It got to a point where I told him that I was having the surgery whether he liked it or not and, as my husband, he could either support me or SHUT UP, but all the nagging, negative comments were not okay with me.

He thought about it for a few days and decided to support me. And he has.

There are definitely people who can't do that though. You know yours so you probably know whether he can support something he doesn't agree with better than we do.

I would suggest that you take him to some of your educational appointments though. Let him ask his questions and hear from other people how it all works and that it's not about willpower at all.

You have told him that only 1-5% of morbidly obese people can lose 50% or more of their excess weight and keep it off for more than 2-5 years with diet & exercise alone, right? Knowing that, it's actually rather insane to keep trying diet & exercise without surgery.

HA! He would be the person to say "why don't you become that 1-5% that works out and eats right."

He's also afraid I won't go out to dinner with him any longer and that I'll be in my own little "protein shake world" and won't cook for the family anymore....boy am I having to work for his trust.

I have to believe that "this too shall pass" but I don't want to come home from surgery with the "what the hell did I just do?" or "this is the biggest mistake in my life" and hear his crap.

But I also know that he must be scared (and won't say it) or pissed off because maybe he thinks I won't buy junk food anymore...

Might just help if I just sat him down and asked him what HE is going through. It's not all about me!

But I might not like what he says... eh.

He could also be thinking that this is just another diet that you're going to go crazy on, and he's going to have to eat funny foods, and then in six months you're going to forget about all of this crap and just do like you've always done....

Well, he's wrong!!

Yes, you're going to change your life, and probably affect his as well, but in six months you're going to be taking a step to good health and you'll be a happier person and a better wife.

As for your daughter, she's right--you HAVE given up.  You've given up doing the same thing that hasn't worked for the past umpteen years, and now you're going to do what IS going to work.

If you had a blocked artery, would she recommend that you not have bypass surgery?  If you had breast cancer would she want you to NOT have a procedure to remove a cancer??

Your health is at that point;  this surgery will help you to achieve your goal of health.

Do the required meetings--they are going to be very helpful.  But also keep researching and reading here, and asking questions. 

Hang in there!!

Wow Lynn...thank you so much for making sense of all of this. You're absolutely right!!

I HAVE given up doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and it's time to do something different.

Totally different!

Thanks and have a great day!
Binda

I was fortunet enough to have a very supportive husband, kids, and family.

If your husband thinks that "will power" is how you should be able to lose weight. Let him know that its just like those people at the gym. Some can lose weight with aid form doing cardio while others can do it with aid from strength exercise. People like us, we need the aid of bariatric surgery. Like I was told time and time again, this isnt a solution, ITS A TOOL.

Good luck and trust me it is worth it

My family was completely against having surgery and fought me all the way to the end. As the doctor was wheeling me into surgery my husband told me one last time "Its not to late to change your mind." After the first month I had severe complications and my husband continually told me " I told you so"   Well, I got through the complications and am now at goal weight. I couldnt be happier and guess what.... he has finally agreed that this was the best decision I have ever made for myself. The other day I came across a before picture at my heaviest. After my family and I had a good laugh my husband told me with tears in his eyes " I am so glad you didn't listen to me" I have my life back!! I am happy, healthy and look better than ever. I just finished my first 5K and am training for a half marathon.....something I could have never done at 320 pounds. Dont let anyone talk you out of or into a decision like this one. He will eventually jump on board or he will bail ship altogether, but this time do it for you.....noone else!!!!

Does your husband have a weight problem or is he naturally thin? He is probably afraid of a few things. He is afraid of change and you are going to change a lot about your life. He is afraid that when you get to your ideal weight you will look at him differently and will think he is not good enough for you. (I know, I know!) He might even be afraid that other men will find you attractive and you will find someone new. You might want to have him attend counseling with you. Your daughter is afraid of the change too. You might want to educate them on the fact that they have really perfected WLS. It is not nearly as dangerous as it used to be. My husband is a nurse and for years he told me no way. My P.A. had this surgery and he talked with him about it and my husband decided that he would support me. Also the clinic you are going to probably does not encourage WLS because they want to keep you coming to them and keep the money coming in to them. You hang in there and I hope your husband and daughter will come around. In the mean time we will always be here for you.

i didnt tell my husband i was actually going through with the surgery until i had my date (about a month from when i told him).  as predicted he hasnt been any "help"-buys crappy food ALL the time and i absolutely hate that.  even before i gained weight i never ate/bought junk food.  he has only gotten worse.  he has never mentioned the weight i've lost (over 100#) and he had gained at least 50#-so there is a great deal of "stuff" between us.

i knew i'd be on my own going into it and i have learned alot about myself and am stll learning.

my daughters werent in on my decision but they have been wonderfully complimentary about the new me.  they suffer the dietary changes but are learning what is "good" food.

bless all of your husbands that support you because they are jewels.