Where's your head at?

Hi all! Since coming out to you as a 'food addict' and possible wls failure two months ago, I've been contacted by several people privately. So many of us are facing the same struggles and fears. I'd like to share my reply to this person if you care to read it. It made me realized how much has changed in a short amount of time.  Dear.... Nice to hear from you. First let me say, don't panic; it can get better. Second, let me say, it seems like a lifetime ago I posted last in terms of where my head is, yet it has only been two months. So what's different you might ask. Well, 'coming out' as a food addict and a possible wls failure was a good start on the road to change. I've also been posting my ups and downs on the California board with as much honesty as I can muster. Living my life 'out loud' has brought be back to a place of accountability. And finally, I'm trying to get over the fact that I may never have a normal relationship with food. Whether it’s in my head or my biological make up, I respond differently to food than most of the people I know that do not have an obesity issue. So instead of fighting it (and wasting energy on that effort followed by resentment), I'm learning to live with who I really am. That self acceptance seems to flip a switch for me. I've been trying to eat 'normally' all this time. Well I'm not normal in terms of food. What I've known all along is I'm an all or nothing type of person. I realize it is something I need to work on, but trying to work on that doesn't mean I can't address my food issues in the mean time. For me to lose or even maintain my weight right now, I have to live within the confines of my current all or nothing mentality. So, I've discovered the 5 day pouch test diet (see 5daypouchtest.com). This program is designed to get you back to basics in terms of protein first, eliminating 'slider foods' (see the site), no drinking with meals, portion control (in terms of WLS), and the biggy the possible reduction in the size of your pouch. I've been doing this diet every other week. I lost 12lbs...then went to Hawaii for two weeks, but only gained back 4 of the 12 (the pouch shrinking aspect has really helped me with my portions, but I couldn't resist the mai tais. Already, my mental state is better because I feel I have another weapon in my arsenal of controlling my weight (at least until I get my all or nothing head together).  I've been back home since Saturday, and started the diet again on Monday. I have no doubt that the 4lbs will be gone by this time next week. What a great feeling huh?  All that being said, IT IS REALLY HARD TO STAY ON THE PROGRAM! But I sustain myself by reaching back to the memories of fighting for my surgery, the realization that I'm alive and healthy and not willing to give it up, the memory of my many friends who did not make it through this surgery, and most importantly I reliance on God and the peace and strength that only He can give. So as of last Saturday, I was at 155. 10lbs lower than I was two months ago, even after a two week vacation. Is it the healthiest way I can do this, no, but I have a sickness (food addiction) that needs to be treated with extreme measures.  My long term hope is that I will get my head and body together...what a dream that would be! Sorry to ramble on, but I'm in such a place of self discovery right now. I pray some of what I'm saying will help you too! If not, I hope you find your way. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this, and your plans for the future! Wishing you wellness, Rachel

(((RACH))) That was well put!  I totally can see myself in your letter and am glad you have the "balls" to put it out there.  I sooooooooo HEART you Rach!  I'm officially gonna help myself get on track this Monday.  I'm stocking my fridge w/ the stuff you mentioned in the email and some other things.  Hope to see you soon. ~Ronda

I forgot to mention...jerky for the last day. Rock

Awesome, and well-said. I applaud your honesty and vulnerabilty.  I think there is a lot of freedom in "living out loud" as you put it.  So often people are afraid to talk about their faliures and mistakes for fear of being chastised or condemned. Not just here, but in our real lives too....



I think talking about things in a very honest way makes you human. People identify with your struggle and it's only then can you really begin to reach out for help and support to change.  Keeping secrets gives them power over you. 



For me, my struggle has been an emotional one. First with depression and hormones and now I think it's with body image issues. I just began looking into therapy so that I can talk about it with someone. I wanted to post about it but wasn't sure how to go about it.....




so thank you for inspiring me to 'live out loud' too, and I wish you the best on your journey.

And I, likewise, applaud you for seeking therapy. I've gone through years of therapy for various reasons. 25 years ago, I was such an introvert and so wrapped up in the confusion of panic attack syndrome, I could never have revealed myself this way. Write me if you need to talk...believe me I've heard, seen and done it all! Hugs, Rachel

*****MUAH****** I love you Raquel!

I would like to add that I've been keeping up with your posts and you are inspiring me. I am down 10lbs from my highest after wls.  After almost 5 months of being single and not dating, I'm thinking its time for me to get my feet wet. Being single is a great tool for wanting to drop a few pounds. Even though I don't post to all your threads, let it be known that I am reading them.

Love You!

backatcha! So, you are on the 'someone new is going to see me naked' diet. Kidding. 10lbs is AWESOME! Keep up the good work. Its great to know you are in this with me! Uno mas

Well said Rachael but could you post bigger so these tired old eyes can see easier!!!!  I/we all know the struggles we face after long term wls and it is hard and good at the same time to live life out load girl because I was one of those people who had to come to grips with gaining and admitting it to myself first and then to the boards.

I do not feel I will ever be normal with food...and I mean normal in the sense of people around me like you said. I watch Jeff eat whatever he wants and maintain the same weight within a few pounds all the years we have been together...and I would long to know how that feels. I just do not feel this will ever happen.

I sought out help....yeah it helped because I was willing and knew that if I did not do something I would find my body back where it was and the thought of stretching myself out after everything I have been through did not seem appealing either!

I am going into my 7th month of a low carb program after the 5 dpt and have not felt so good in a very long time. Yes my pouch shrunk and yes I had an extremely hard time at first, but now it is like riding a bicycle. I so want sometimes and look at things I am sure with a super forlong face....probably even with a drool or two too, but as I keep telling myself....8's taste great! The only thing I allow myself is an occasional drink or two.....period and I will not waiver! This is my way of warding off the weight...the low carb way.

It's hard Rach....but I know you will find your peace....it is just something that you have to find the right balance to make it seem effortless if that makes sense. I think you are doing great....and believe HONESTY is the foundation to all of our success!!!!

Keep up the great work!  

Hi Janine, I was in the tech industry for 15 years, and now I can't figure out basic computer protocol. Darned technology!  Thanks so much for the thoughtful words and for the insight. It has been great traveling this journey with you. I look forward to getting it together with you!

Keeping it real with you,

Rachel

thank you for sharing yourself and your struggle with us rachel.  it's brave and inspiring to us who fight with food and self-image.  i am still pre-op but i am slowly realizing that i just *might* have a dysfunctional relationship with the foods i choose to eat.  i'm hoping to learn a lot from you (and the others) who are so bravely outspoken about their struggles.