I'm overweight! (Long post from a 4 year post op)

…I remember I was elated posting this nearly 4 years ago when I was on my way down. Now, it's not such good news…

 When I was researching this surgery 6 years ago, I was always disappointed when people’s profiles would just drop off. I vowed to update at least annually; so here I am. I’m also here because its time for me to get out of denial and put myself out there for accountability sake. I also want to help any newbies avoid my pitfalls and I’m hoping for support. (DH has been great, but has never dealt with obesity or food addiction). That being said, everyone’s journey is different; make the most of yours!

 Here’s what’s up with me on my 4 year surgerversary. I currently weigh…165lbs…ok…I said it out loud…ouch…that was hard.

 This is around 26lbs over my lowest weight. But about 20lbs over my average weight of the first two years. I’m officially chubby again. Starting to feel like the ‘fat girl’ in the room again. Size 12 is tight (I’m 5’4 by the way). XL tops are getting too snug; I have a couple of 1x’s in my closet again. My boobs spill out of my DD bra on the sides. Blood pressure is starting to climb again—go away co-morbid! BUT…this is not so much about my size, more because it is a reflection of the fact that food, once again, is in control of me as are the negative thoughts (as demonstrated in this paragraph) that hound me.

 So have I failed; has the surgery failed? Not yet, but it’s possible, and I thin k w e’re both a bit at fault.

 Surgery:

 I didn’t expect a magic wand, but I expected a little more assistance. I chose Rny over lap band because of the food aversions (dumping). Well, very little has ever made me dump. I feel a bit sleepy if I eat bread or sugar, but that’s about it.

 I also expected my appetite to be suppressed a lot longer (got about 1-1/2 years – now, it’s like I never had surgery). If I’m not hungry, I don’t think about food. Let my stomach growl and I’m ready to binge.

 I was also hoping (though I knew it was a long shot) that my honeymoon period (of rapid weight loss) would last more than 8 months. The final 10lbs that I lost to get to the century mar k w as through blood, sweat and tears of training for a marathon. Immediately following training my weight started to creep. Now mind you, it’s not like I stopped working out. I still ran about 6 miles a week and worked at a gym were I was on my feet, training others and working out my self several times a week.

 Me:

 I TOTALLY underestimated my food addiction:

 Addiction defined: The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something. AKA: Rachel and food. I’m totally consumed by thoughts of food or weight at all times to the day! And I’m a compulsive binge eater (turned grazer after RNY). I allow too many empty calories in the way of wine. Hmm…concerned about cross addiction. (Currently on the wagon and trying to decide if this is where I need to stay…but will definitely stay until I lose the lbs).

Didn’t establish behavior modifying eating habits (this is determined with the benefit of hindsight – I thought I was doing well at the time). I wanted to eat like a normal thin person…a well balanced diet. So I didn’t focus so much on protein as I now believe I should have (based on other successful women I know…men don’t count…they just seem to lose no matter what – Hey…don’t bash me…it’s the jealousy talking)

Speaking of jealousy – I’m also jealous of my friends that can eat what they want and not even get a bit overweight. I went to a local pizza place with my family and one of my girlfriends. She’s 50 with the flattest belly you could ever want to see (doesn’t work out of course). She’s got a bit of a rump, but that’s cool now. She ate a LARGE plate of spaghetti, 2 slices of garlic bread, salad with cheese, bacon bits and potato salad, and ranch. I had a little salad (still can’t eat large portions) with two hard boiled eggs, broccoli, bell pepper…anyway…you get the point. Sometimes I feel like I have to eat so much less than the rest of the world just to maintain. For a girl obsessed with food…it gets depressing.

The depression rut gets me. First I get jealous, so I try eating a few more things, I gain, I get depressed, I eat more, I gain more BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Speaking of depression, I stopped working at a gym and took a job with a company (who will remain nameless to protect the innocent…let’s just say, my biggest working day is Sunday) that I’m just not happy working for. It’s a lot more money than the gym (with hours to match), but not at all as what was described when I was interviewing. It’s a mostly sit down job. Because I’m unhappy with my job and its effect on my family life…you guessed it…I get depressed and eat. Get this, they serve donuts every Sunday…while I mostly skip them, I’ll often have a bagel smothered in cream cheese (unheard of 3 years ago!)

So there it is, or rather, here I am. Hoping to remain a success story. 

 

Rachel, Thank you for being so honest.  I hope some of the newbies and people waiting for surgery read this.  i wish I had had more info before I went into this.  It would not have changed my decision, but I think I would have been better prepared to deal with the issues you've so ably described.  i too suffer from food addiction.  Though I haven't regained much yet, I have just been through the most frightening week since I've had this surgery.  I have been completely out of control, and I can eat pretty much whatever I want.  I've never really dumped either.  Now the amounts I can eat are scary.  And I've been under a lot of stress lately, so the obsessive thoughts and compulsion to eat, especially carbs, has been great.  I've gained 7 pounds in a week.  Tomorrow I'm going to try to go back to basics and do only protein shakes and clear liquids for a couple of days.  I'm hoping this will short circuit the carb craving vicious cycle I seem to be in.  If you'd like to try with me, I'd be happy to help lend your support.  Maybe we can help each other.  If you are interested, send me an email.  We might do the 5dpt together.  In any case, I'll be thinking about you.  I wish you the very best!

Well hi there Beatrice, Didn't expect anyone to be on the boards at this time... ...Isn't it rich? Are we a pair? Looks like we have a bit more in common than our addictions! I too had the pleasure of sharing that song in a performance (SEVERAL years ago in a little college production). I'm all too happy to have a partner in my latest efforts to beat this demon down! Thank you for your thoughtful offer. Do tell, what's the 5dpt?

OMG you're quoting Sondheim to me. How cool is that! Were you in A Little Night Music or Side by Side? or some other review? Isn't that a great song? Anyway the 5 Day Pouch Test is a five day program to get back on track by going back to basics. You can find out more about it at www.5daypouchtest.com or www.fivedaypouchtest.com. I can't remember which. The first couple of days are a ***** You go back to liquids only. But then the hunger starts fading away and so do the carb cravings which are my downfall. You slowly add back soft proteins and then solids proteins. I've done it once before and I lost both weight and my carb cravings. Unfortunately, I've fallen off the wagon in the past couple of months after getting sick and then dealing with a series of family crises. Anyway, take a look and let me know if you want to team up! We aren't even far away from each other. It might be nice to have a cup of coffee (frowned upon during the 5DPT, but it's the one thing I can't do without) ;-).

It was Songs of Sondheim, and yes, I love that song!

I like the sounds of the 5dpt. I'll check out the site for sure. When are you starting it? I'll need to prep a grocery list (and a dinner menu for DH and the kids that won't tempt me too much). If I do, which seems likely, I'll start by Friday.

So were's Claremont? I follow a pretty strict no caffeine rule, but I'm always happy to sip on herb tea!

I have a crazy day tomorrow, but Friday's a definite possibility, though I find it's easier to stick to those first two days if I'm at work rather than on the weekend. So maybe good planning and mental psyching and starting Monday would be even better. Claremont is one of the foothill communities up against the San Gabriel mountains. It's the last city still in LA county along the 210 before you hit San Bernardino County. Depending on who you ask it's in the San Gabriel Valley or the IE. I went to the Claremont Colleges, fell in love with the place, and basically always wanted to come back. We moved here 7 years ago. I grew up in LA, but lived in Mission Viejo for a while. I worked on Fashion Island in one of the tall square white buildings when I first graduated... many moons ago. Then I gave up my law job for a lowly but much more satisfying teaching position and had to move inland to more affordable digs. Anyway, it's about a 50 minute drive to where you are. We have rented places in Laguna Beach a couple times during the summer and enjoy going out, walking around, and of course eating! Good for you about the caffeine. I've actually switched to decaf in the past week and a half and am having a difficult adjustment. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm ravenous. Who knows! Let me know what you think once you check out the 5dpt site!

Ah, more we have in common. I've been working my way DOWN the corporate ladder for about 6 years now. By choice. Reprioritizing (once DH got a grip on the notion) for the kids. I stepped back up a couple of rungs with my current job, and now we are wondering what we were thinking - DH (and I) want me back home more. So its back to looking for a job at the bottom of the ladder.

I'm there till end of August (if all goes according to plan). I'll have a lot more time then. We could meet mid point. Definitely let me know if you are in the area before then though. I checked out the site and it looks tough, but like a great idea. It will take planning though. Since Sunday is my busiest day at work...I don't think much about food. So I think I'm going to start then. Becky 'anewbecboo' is going to start it too I think! Groovy?

 

Sunday sounds good to me! Great that you're working your way out of the rat race. Kids are only little for such a short time. Mine are now almost 21 and 16. I don't know when that happened! I decided to get off the train and spend more time with my family after my husband was diagnosed with cancer at 34. Really puts things into perspective. Life's too short to spend working all the time, especially in work you don't like! I'll be off at the end of June for about a month and a half. If I make my way out your way, which is likely because I try to get away from the heat as much as I can, maybe we can hook up for a glass of wine. I like that even more than the coffee, and I see that that is yet one more thing we have in common! Maybe by then we'll both have gotten back on track and lost enough that we can have a toast! Check in on Sunday and let me know how you're doing. That first day is tough!

OK girl. Its on. I didn't start yesterday. Bad day at work and by the time lunch came around I hadn't eaten anything and grabbed a sandwhich. As as I do after a hard day at work...picked up a bottle of wine when I got home. Only drank half though. So I started today and feel hungry but good.  What say you?

Didn't start yesterday either. I wish I had. I've had a bunch of stress with my older daughter's total financial irresponsibility which ended up with us having to bail her out to keep her from getting evicted from her apartment this past week! I need to start a support group for parents of college students on the extended plan who have absolutely no prospect of financial independence anytime soon, but spend like they have an endowment or something. Okay enough venting. I bought all my protein and am starting tomorrow. So I'll be a day behind you. The last time I did this, I added clear broth the first couple of days because I can't take all the sweetness of just protein shakes. So I'm going to cook up some good broth tonight. Too bad you can't retrain your pouch on a glass of pinot noir or two per day! ;-)