The things you learn along this journey..

Hello all,

I was sleeved on April 10th of this year, and did rather well at the beginning. I lost 23 lbs on the pre-op liquid diet and another 11 lbs in 2 weeks post-op. I was really happy till I hit my 4 week check in. Some how, some way, I managed to put on 1 1/2 lbs. I was crushed, angry and sooooo frustrated. Thought " WTH...why did I put myself through this?  I could have put on the weight and not even bothered with the surgery."
Despite Nooshin's assurances and words of encouragement, I still beat myself up quite badly with, what I call, my emotional baseball bat. It really rattled my cage, and I began to wonder if I was a failure, that I had convinced myself and the people I love, to believe in a pipe dream.
At some point, I'm unsure when, I realized I was only hurting myself and cracked down. Started watching everything I ate and documented it, walked more, talked to my surgery buddy, drank my water and read this website religiously. I realized quickly, that I may have simply hit a bump in the road and that I was still in control of the car, I just had to keep on motoring along!

Understand one thing, I don't own a scale. I'm a big, big girl ( 465 at my top weight  and only 5' 8" ) and I simply couldn't bear to see that number, nor did home scales even come close to reading that. So, head firmly planted in the sand, I vowed never to own a scale. I only get weighed by Nooshin or Dr. Zentner; that's the number I trust.
So, without knowing exactly why I gained weight, combined with the self blame/guilt and out n' out fear of failure, I became a little obsessive about my weight, unsure if I was doing this right.
Wasn't until recently, when I started to notice small things like, no longer needing my seat belt extender in the car, I could slide into a booth at a restaurant, and have clearance room, not have to rock myself a couple of times just to get my large butt up off the couch. Small, wonderful changes that others didn't notice, suddenly made my day. I dared to have hope and wondered if all my worrying was un-necessary.
Yesterday I did something I've been wanting to do but held back out of fear of the results. I went through my closet and drawers and tried on clothes. To my great pleasure( and a little dismay) I am able to fit into clothes I couldn't wear before and even felt pride when I put on clothes that had become too big! Some of those were my fav tops...darn it!  Ok, I'll admit it...I cried.... but the tears were quickly replaced by the biggest " Cheshire cat" grin you've ever seen.  
I've obviously been losing inches, despite my fears, and it's almost impossible to bring me down from this cloud nine. I don't recall eating anything that tasted as sweet as this victory.

I'm treating myself today..I'm getting a pedi. I feel good, I look good and I deserve this!
I hope you all have as good a day and for any future losers reading this, I know this is scary and the journey will have bumps but rest assured...the grass is greener on this side of the fence, you just have to get over it. I, for one, will be there to help.  Heather

Congrats on your weight loss!!!!!  You are very right, a huge part of this journey is the head games.  I had RNY and not VSG, but I still have times that I wonder if I am the person that will fail at this surgery.  A huge congrats on recognizing what was going on in your head and picking yourself up and carrying on, that is a huge step in this journey.  Keep up the excellent work and I hope that you get some awesome numbers at your next weigh in.

WAY TO GO!!!!!  Keep up the great work!!!  Success will always be on your side, as long as you keep your head out of the sand.
Barb

Good for you!!!!

I also beat myself up about a weight gain. It's only 10 lbs, but I keep thinking, that's all it took before...the first ten, then the second, then.........

It's very hard to get over our bad habits but your doing great!