my husband is on drugs

This is a very hard thing for me to write right now but I feel like I am drowning and helpless and I am just barely surviving here. I need your support and advice/ help.  It is a long story but in a nutshell I came back from Turkey and found my husband looking depressed, withdrawn, and a nervous wreck. He had lost 30 pounds in the last few months and he was not going to work. He kept a lot of things from me and pretended that everything was fine. I felt that something was wrong but I could not put my finger on it at first. He was moody, angry, and emotionally abusive to me. I followed him one night when he left the house and found him parked at a hotel. He was inside with this girl who is a 23 year old with a drug addiction. Anyway to make a long story short my husband has moved out of the house and is now with her. He is doing hard core drugs and had maxed out my credit cards while I was away to pay for this girls and his habit. Our bank has frozen our account and is investigating everything. This morning at 10 am we have an appt with the bank. He also cashed some of our RSP’s as well. I am so scared and worried about my future here. I changed the locks this evening as I am afraid for my safety. Apparently while I was away he had this girl and a few of her friends staying at the house. They were doing drugs and drinking and my place looked like a frat house party. My neighbors told me there were people coming and going from my place. They broke the stereo, vacuum cleaner, fax machine and toilet as well while staying at my place as well.  He has lost control over everything and was lying about what he was doing. He was pretending to go to work every day and then he was going to the hotel and spending his days there. His work has sent him a registered letter and has asked him to respond as they are losing their patience with him. He has not been at work since August 19th and he is about to lose his job. He i****ting rock bottom soon and I don’t know what will happen. He was in a serious car accident Thursday evening and he totaled the car. The police are investigating the crash. He was injured with cracked ribs. That was the last straw that broke the camels back so to speak as after this he sat down with me and told me the truth. He has been spending all this money on drugs and paying for their drug use and a hotel for her. He met her last summer and had been continuing to see her since then. He tells me that he loves me but has very strong feelings for her as well. He said he needs to go away and figure things out so he packed his bags and has now moved out. I am trying to cope and deal with everything. I can’t eat or sleep and am trying to just get through the days here. I still love him but I know I can not help him anymore and I can not let him take me down with him. I am going to ask him to sign the mortgage over to me at the bank and then I will ask for a separation or divorce. I don’t know if I will be able to afford to pay for the house myself with just my income. I also need to get a lawyer and see what my rights before making any decisions but I think I am going to ask him to file for bankruptcy after we get divorced or separated. Well that is about it for now. If you guys know anybody who can give me some legal and sound advice please let me know as I don’t know what to do. My mom is in Turkey still and I don’t want her to know until she gets back at the end of September as she will really worry. My brother is coming with me to the bank for support today. Help please   Sim

RNY June 26, 2007 Seattle, WA- Dr. Hunter-Virginia Mason

HW 323 lbs; SW 313 lbs; CW 168 lbs, GW around 150 lbs

Hi Sim

I know how difficult this is for you, I have a family member who is a drug addict and its not easy.  The sooner you can remove him from your financial situation the better for you .... call all credit cards, banks, anything that has a financial attachment to you both and tell them he has a drug problem and to halt all transactions with him ... it is also in your best interest to talk to some legal council as soon as you can.

As for his employer have you told him about his drug addiction?  I beleive legally they can not fire him if they are aware of his drug addtiction .. i think they have to help help him get help or at least hold his job ... but that is something that would need to be checked out because I dont remember if I have read about it somewhere or if some one passed this information along to me.

As for you Sim you need to RUN not walk to the nearest support group or councellor.  You know the value in support groups .... you have been a shining example of how it works with how you support many people in WSL ... let someone else help and support you during the extremely difficult time in your life.

I know its hard but try not to take on HIS addiction as your responsiblity to fix .... he needs to hit rock bottom before he will start to rise again and there isnt any thing you can do about that unfortunately.

You are in my thoughts and I truley know what you are going thru .... let me know if there is anything I can do to help support you!

Brenda

Hey Sim,

Just wondering how your doing and how things are? Been thinking of you!

Awww Sim, I am so so sorry this is happening to you!!!

This has to be so so difficult!!! I think you are doing the right thing by asking him to sign over the mortgage to you. At least then you can make all the decisions without needing him to sign off on this or that or whatever. 

I know someone who went through something similar but she has small children to think about in the mix of it all. I know from watching her life destruct over the past couple years that her husband is so good at smooth talking and just so unreliable. Those with these types of addictions do get very good at lying and convincing so just be extra careful...as much as you want to believe him because he is your husband and no matter what he has done you do still love him. That is where it gets so hard. Not to scare you but I do hope he shows up for your bank appointment today! If you guys have any RSP left I would ask for him to be taken off on those too OR change it where you can't cash them without your signature too. You need to protect yourself.
I would find out from your employment if they have a program where they pay under your medical plan counseling services. Most employments offer something like that. It would be really good to go talk to someone professionally. This is a difficult situation and I can only imagine what you have to go through.

I wish I knew more about the legal stuff, I can only sympathize from what I have seen someone else who has and is going through.

Hang in there,
Carrie

Hi Sim i am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine how you feel, but it sounds to me like you've taken some great first steps to protect yourself.  I'm sorry i can't help on the legal advice. I did have a friend who needed to get her husbands name off their house and if he doesn't agree there are steps that the bank can help you with although not a lot. And if possible if your not sure if you can make the payments yourself is there anyway you could maybe let out a room or a downstairs to a student to help give you a little breathing space with money. I know having a stranger in your house isn't perfect but there are great international student placement agencies that have prescreened people. Just a thought. I wish i could be of some help but i really have no good info for you. I do know that from talking to you here and on the phone that you are a strong lady and now you need to dig deep and rely on that strength to see you through. If you ever just want someone to talk to i'll pm my number to you or i have yours and just let me know that you need to vent and i'll call you and you can vent all you need to. You have aways been here for all of us Sim so now we are here if you need us. Try to keep up your strength and have something to eat and try to nap because this is going to be tough so take care of yourself. Your in my thoughts. Elisa.

Hi Sim, I'm so very sorry to hear this..
You do need to get some legal advice first off the sooner the better!
If you would like to call me I may have some info that might be able to help you!
my # is 604 328-3438.. If I don't answer please leave a message as I'm a nurse and I work Night shifts, and sleep durning the day, but I will get right back to you!
Hang in there and you are doing all the right things so far.
Write down everything so when you go to see your lawyer you will remember it all, because when you are under this much stress it easy to forget things.
Hope to hear from you
Big hug