My mom and my weight.. long.

My Mom.. My mother has struggled with her weight since I can remember. I learned a lot of self hate and food sneaking from her. Currently she is on weigh****chers and is just a tiny smidge over 200. I've told her a million and one times how amazing she looks and how good she's doing. Since I got my surgery, however, she seems to feel this need to one up me. I am in NO WAY trying to out do her, or even attempting to compete. I have so VERY much to loose that even hitting 200 pounds seems a million miles away. When she asks me how much I've lost I generally hesitate to tell her since I get either "I've lost (insert amount of pounds or inches) more" or "You shouldn't complain I'm on a plateau. Can't seem to lose an inch lately." I DON'T complain. I'm very happy with the way I'm losing. I Try not to compare my loss with others. I guess I'm wondering how I can stop the competition. I dearly love my mom, and I enjoy going to see her and talking with her. I'm just sick and freaking tired of every conversation being about fat. I'm also tired of her offering me carbohydrates.. but that's a whole OTHER story.

Hi Amber, I am new to the group so you probably haven't seen my name before. I can totally relate to your situation with your mom. My mom doesn't exactly compete but she does always turn the conversation back to herself when we have discussed weight issues in the past. Usually whether I was doing good on a diet or bad she would turn the conversation into a confessional situation and tell me how bad she was doing rather than listening to the emotions and concerns I had about my weight. I certainly didn't want her to feel like she couldn't talk to me about her emotions and concerns but she always did it in a way that disregarded everything I said. Our situation has been much improved in the past year because I started telling her the truth about how it made me feel for her to talk over me and disregard what I was saying. She has always called me her counselor because that is a role I have played for her since I was I child but I explained to her that I would rather just be her daughter and be able to lean on her when I felt weak or emotional. It wasn't an easy fix after one conversation though, and for awhile I had to point out to her when she was disregarding or ignoring what I said. She was very receptive. She is now stronger and more confident and for the first time I feel like I can lean on her. She is going to be my support person through the surgery and I really feel like I can depend on her now. I truly value our honest, adult relationship. It took awhile for me to build up the courage to tell her how I felt but now I realize how valuable it was and it has truly enhanced our mother/daughter relationship. I would suggest sitting down with your mom and having a serious and truthful conversation about how you are feeling. Right now is when you need her support the most and I believe if you are straightforward with her about that you will get to a better place in your relationship as well. Best of luck to you! Take care, Sandi

Thank you Sandi, I'm willing to try this. My mom and I have a pretty good relationship outside of the food issues.

Ooooooo, that's a rough one Amber! I feel your pain cuz I have a sister who does the same thing and a mother who counts my "wrinkles that have come because of my surgery!!!" ........It is sooooo difficult to just give them boundaries but that's what we have to do to survive! It's up to you to teach your mom what is acceptable to discuss and to say to you. In a kind way just show her the hand "stop sign" when she asks the forbidden question about your weight loss. Give her a hug and tell her that you love her, think she's beautiful, are proud of her weight loss and that yours is not open for discussion. I'd say change the subject to something girlie like "shopping" but that may open an entirely new kettle of bees! LOL! Mom's are insecure creatuers (speaking in 1st person here! LOL!) We love our children to be successful but often measure our own shortcomings by their success. I'll bet your Mother would be devastated if she knew she was bugging you? Just go on a rant here on the boards as you need to.......We'll listen and then send you some cyber hugs! Now HOW much do you weigh right now? *wink, wink* Just kdiding! Hugggggz, Joyce

Oh my, I could have written this... I just had my surgery, so I can't give you much advice... but when I was pregnant, my mom kept asking me how much weight I've gained... I learned that I gave her half-answers. I told her things like, "I'm not sure of the exact number, but my doctor was pleased." It gave her the information she needed to know (that I was on track), but didn't give her the information she didn't need to know, and thus she couldn't make comparisons. I'm planning on doing the same thing with the results of the WLS. Giving her what she "needs" to know, but not the extras.