My world, how is yours??

Well, I vowed to take a break, got some pm's to ask me not to.  Shawna says we all need to know its not a perfect world, well Im here to tell you, it certainly isnt.

It all started for me in November, when I went in the hospital weighing 140 pounds and came out 9 days later weighing over 160.  I went back in in December at 158, came out at over 170.  Those are #'s I never wanted to see again.  Soooooo, thus came the depression.  How did I combat it??? NOT the way I should have.  I must confess that alcohol played into the pic, and CERTAINLY didnt help the wieght.  And although I knew that, it didnt make me quit.  BAD DECISIONS still happen, WLS does not reverse your mind.  So then I was in the rut, have a drink, feel guilty, go to bed and sleep!!!!

I got off of it a while, got a new horse and figured that would make me happy.  Well, Im happy I got her, but depression is UGLY!!!!!  I got to where I didnt want to go anywhere, b/c despite the fact that folks say I thin and look good, I still felt and do even now, feel FAT!!!!  Not just heavy, but FAT!!

And then, 2 weeks ago, Mike and I decided to buy a new house, and made the deal, had started packing and the day we were supposed to sign the contract, the girl got really really stupid, changed ALL the rules we had set, and so we unpacked our stuff and here we are.  Am I happy? Yes, house payments in this economy are scary, but we have enough to make them.  Sooooo, we are taking the money we would have spent on that house and are fixing ours up. 

Im off the alcohol, and have NO plans to go back to it.  Yes, I know its empty calories, and useless, so Im done with it.

Ive started my supplements over, bought some low carb high protein slim fast yesterday so I can have breakfast on the run.  My working out is done as time allows between taking care of the new horse *****quires daily brushing and love. (Never had it before, so its new to her) 

Today I shall sit on her for the first time, we hope all goes well!!!

Ok, thats my world, where I have been.  Thanks to all who have sent IM's and letters to me.  Just know that Im battling still, and so my posts may not be bubbly and beautiful, but I'll try!!!

Love to you all,
Rhonda D.

P.S.  I must say, if it had not been for your personal messages and the love and support of my husband, Id be in the mental institution, so keep him in your thoughts and prayers, hes not had it easy dealing w/me!!!!

Hey Honey,

Well, it took a lot of courage to admit the things that have been going on, and you'll be stronger for it because now that we know what's going on, we can help you get past it. Remember, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. That goes for marriage too.

Now is a time you need support more than ever. Please try to come to the meeting on Thursday. The speaker may just have some answers for you during her talk. We need to see you, you need to see us, we all need each other in one way or another.

I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you as much as I should have been. Been dealing with my own issues here on my home front. Selfish, yes, but that was then, this is now.

So, looks like our board has cleaned the slate and we can start anew. Take care darlin'. Hugs to Mr Mike and him back to you!

Hey Susan,
RAW was more how I felt as I typed it, could feel the flames coming at me, and if I get any, maybe I deserve a few. 
Ive cried till Im sick, and do on almost a daily basis.  Life is good, I should be smiling, but still cry every time I get dressed cuz all my clothes are too little, just like before WLS.  I can fix this, I know I can, its just gonna take some time. 

Not sure about Thursday, simply because I have 3 meetings I need to attend.  The one I need to attend in Camden is a C.A.L.L meeting,(group for addoptive parents) but I may back out on it, and get someone else to do what I was sposed to do.  I really want to come to Little Rock.  We will see.

I'll try to call you in  a bit,
Hugs and love from us both,
Mike and Rhonda

Rhonda,

May I ask where you started and what your lowest was?  I started at 322 and now 165 and can't get any lower and wonder if you consider me fat and overweight?  I wish I could be one of those people that weigh in the 130's but I just don't think it is in the cards for me, ya know?

Best Wishes
AmyBeth

Hey AB,
NOOOOOOO!! I dont consider you fat at all.  My lowest was 119, and my weight now is like 150, so it makes me mad to know where I have been, and where I am now.  My start was 257 the day of surgery w/my highest weight ever was 288. 

I dont look at other folks and the #s and see fat, I see me that way, b/c I have gained all the weight and have had the other issues that now I am struggling to get it off.  You look great, and sadly enough, Im told almost daily that I look GREAT!!!!  The issue is more me accepting it. 

I guess my main problem is, I was in 5s and 7s and all my show clothes are mostly that size, show season (horse show season) is on me in April, and I need to get back into them.

So, no, I dont consider you fat, and in reality, I still feel like I weigh 257 most days, since NONE of my clothes fit now. 

Congrats on your recent marriage.  I hope you are twice as happy as you are beautiful, cause that would put you on top of the world!!!!

Hugs,
Rhonda D.

I'm so glad you shared. Not because I'm nosey, but just so that everyone knows that **** happens! Sorry you are having such a rough time my friend. I know that I am also very self conscious about my weight and comparing my weight to anyone else's never makes it any easier. I still have a picture in my room of when Johnny and I got engaged. I weighed around 240 in the picture. My mind will still say, "I wish I still looked like that." because I said that for a year before I ever had gastric bypass. Reality hits and says, "Idiot! You look better than that!" but my brain doesn't now it. Hang in there, we all have our battles. I can't get out of the 180s! It's killing me!

Shawna,
I must tell you that posting that was RAW!!!!  I cried as I typed, but felt much better afterwards.  I appreciate your honesty, becasue yes, **** does happen, but I have learned again, what I already knew, I have friends that care.

You look great, and maybe your body likes 180, mine may like 150, but like you, I HATE it!!!!  The worst part is that none of my clothes fit, and I dread the thought of buying new ones larger than I have now. 

Isnt this surgery strange, it desnt do crap to fix body image!!!!  OH WELL, I shall survive.  Ive learned that alcohol may numb me, but iced tea is better for me!!!

See you tomorrow,
Rhonda D.

You have taken a very huge step by admitting and sharing with others. It's not always easy to allow others behind the wall of defense. God told us we would walk through the valley which is  a hint.  We are to walk through the valley not set up camp. From the sounds of things you have torn up your campsite and you are climbing your way to the top of the mountain again. If you need a friend no matter the time of day or night I am only a phone call away. Here's my shoulder feel free to make use of it.  Ok taking off my clergy collar now. God's got your back and we do too.

I'm proud of you for picking yourself up and trying again.  And it's wonderful that you're off the booze!  My mom is an alcoholic, and it was a very hard thing to live with.  Please hang in there with us, and feel free to whine anytime you need to.  We'd rather have you do that than hit the bottle or engage in other self-destructive behavior.

Thanks for sharing your struggles... it's a good wake-up call for all of us that life is not always easy after WLS.

 

Rhonda,  With everything you two have been  through health wise, who wouldn't be depressed?  Add to that, the Winter blahs for those of us who enjoy being outside, the every day stresses you have to face,  and there you have it.  You need to focus on the positive things in your life right now.  The people who love and care about you, your drive and determination, the love and support that you bring to everyone, and the fact that you are a winner.  Start a list of your good qualities.  You'll be amazed at how much it will grow as you think about it.  Pat yourself on the back for everything you are doing right and forgive yourself for anything you feel you didn't handle right and move on.  All any of us can do is take life a day at a time.  Focus on having the best day you can each day and the rest will follow.  Spring is just around the corner.  It's a time of rebirth and rejuvination for the body and the soul.  Hang tough, we are all rooting for you.  Sybul