Mission Statement

You remember Tom Cruise at the beginning of Jerry McGuire?  He's been up all night with insomnia of some sort and sits down to write that mission statement that changes his life?

Well... this is not like that.  Well... it is I guess in that I have actually been up all night with some sort of insomnia.  But this is no mission statement and I don't have any illusions about this post changing my (or anyone else's) life.  I'm just posting to be posting.

The last week or so, I have been struggling.  We all do it.  Those of us who are unlucky (or just not disciplined) do it constantly.  Some of us do it here and there.  Those of us that are lucky (or just very disciplined) do it rarely.

I think I fall between the "here and there" and the lucky.  Periodically, I have days where I know (and I mean K.N.O.W.) that it would have been a binge day had I not had RNY. 

I have those days (though thankfully they are few and far between) where I make it to about 5 pm... then I have to start telling myself, "Come on.  You just have to make it through TODAY without binging.  You can do it." 

Because SOME days, a LIFETIME of being good is too much to take on.  SOME days, I have to take tackle just that ONE DAY.  If I can make it through that ONE DAY without going back to the lethal binging behavior that got me morbidly obese to begin with... if I can just make it through THAT DAY... I've won. 

On THOSE particular days... I'll worry about tomorrow when I wake up the next morning.  Because on THOSE days, THAT PARTICULAR DAY is all I can handle. 

Well... the last week or so... I seem to have had several of those days in a row. 

Over the holiday season, TWICE I ingested alcoholic beverages (not a LOT, but still empty, good-for-nothing calories).  I didn't short my fluids either of those days, but STILL good-for-nothing calories. 

Over the holiday season, I have ingested too much SF candy.  I've made too much experimental SF fudge recipes for my own good.  (I've thrown a lot of it out.  But the last batch I'm eating - albeit an ounce at a time.  But I still don't really need it.  It's indulging, even though I'm working it into my calories for the day.)

This is a dangerous time for me.  I'm a little over a year out when people typically get to their smallest weight before they "rebound" or "bounce back". 

I'm sticking right around the 1500 calories per day I'm supposed to.  My weight is holding steady.  But this is a dangerous time for me.  My body is constantly adapting to absorb more.  That's the nature of RNY.  In another 6 months to a year, I'll be absorbing more than I am now.  So even though I'm holding a steady weight NOW at 1500 calories per day... I'll be ABSORBING more of those 1500 calories in 6 months to a year than I am now.  So will I be able to AVOID a rebound?  Will I be able to AVOID a "bounce back"???  I don't know.

I weighed in at 121.6 this past weekend, so do I really WANT to avoid a small rebound?  Wouldn't I be a little better off at 130?  I guess it depends on where that 130 is distributed.  I wouldn't mind 5 - 7 extra pounds back on if it came back in the right places.  I could stand 5 extra pounds of padding in my butt, you know?  But 5 extra pounds all in my stomach would really stir my red head up.  I could stand a pound or 2 back in my breasts.  But a pound or 2 back in my stomach would lite me on fire (and not in a good way). 

I don't want to rebound or "bounce back" more than 5 - 7 pounds.  I don't want to get above 130 when/if I rebound.  I'm not comfortable with being above 130.  Call that a problem I have or not.  That is the quantifiable problem point I have set for myself mentally.  If I start "bouncing back" or "rebounding", I won't freak out until I get near 130... at which time... adjustments will be made. 

Now see where this post has gone?  I've gone from talking about holiday struggling to the terror of regain.  But that's how our minds work sometimes, isn't it?  When we struggle, even for a short while, ESPECIALLY if we have a "period of struggling" (even if it is small struggles that just occur in a little cluster together that make the small struggles SEEM bigger), our minds wander towards the terror of regain.

So here I am... sleepless in AR... reflecting on holiday season struggling (though the holidays are winding down thankfully)... drifting into regain-terror-mentality.  Deep breath.  I'd like to type "Moment passed." right here... but that would be a lie. 

See, I've been up all night.  And one does not stay up all night without eating and drinking ANYTHING.  Already today I've had a cup of low-fat NSA frozen yogur****bsp of protein AND 2 ounces of SF fudge... so I'm about 400 calories into the day already and it's just 6:30 in the morning.  I'm actually closer to 500 calories into the day because I'm drinking protein now too.  So today, I'll probably have to eat a couple of 100 calorie meals to allow my DAY to catch up with my CALORIES (since my calories are ahead of where my day should be right now). 

I might be able to type "Moment passed." up there if my DAY was ahead of my CALORIES.  Don't you LOVE those days sometimes?  Not all the time.  But sometimes I love getting to the end of the day and realizing I still need to eat 400 calories - so I get to have a really high calorie supper.  Now sometimes that's a nuisance.  But sometimes... it's totally not a nuisance.  If I'm honest... sometimes... it's like winning a prize.  I guess that's the part of me that still struggles with my food demons that feels like it's won a prize on days like that.  But I still let that part of me have it's little giddy moment on days like that - NOT go crazy... but have it's little moment. 

But you know what... I've gone on about this long enough.  In fact... if I gave a damn what anybody thought of me... ESPECIALLY given how Tom Cruise regretted his "Memo" the next morning, I probably shouldn't even hit the "Submit" button down there...

... but then again...

It was JUST a "Mission Statement". 

Wendy,
First of all, never regret your thoughts.  You were honest with yourself about yourself.  I do this occasionally, but never get them to the keyboard.  Lots of nights I lay awake thinking about my day, what I've eaten, how I have strayed, and feel horridly guilty.  Tell myself tomorrow is another day, and then, temptation rears it ugly head.

I have made my personal mission statement of not just 2009, but the rest of my life to be healthy food wise, mind wise and exercise wise.  I'll log everything I do throughout the day and at the end of the day, I hope to say, good job ole girl, you finally got it. 

Thanks for posting what most of us think and never will say!!! 

Have a happy new year!!!

Rhonda D.

Wendy, my dear friend, don't ever NOT post something like this!!!  Do you know how many post-ops, those at or close to goal, feel these same things?  How many of us secretly worry about the why's and how's of what we do.

I have to run to work so I don't have much time. So more, much more later!


Be brave and strong. Thanks for hitting the submit button, you're more "right on" than you realize.


hugs