what's been up w/me

Hi to all my AR friends, I'm sorry I haven't been here much, well, I've BEEN here, just not posting. I appreciate all of you who have been looking for me, you're so kind. I guess it's time to fill you in on what's been going on. It's difficult for me to write this, and it will probably be longer than it needs to be, but you know me, I can be long winded. In February I had to go to ER twice, if you remember. Turns out there were probably two different things going on at once that was causing me so much pain. The first was a ruptured ovarian cyst, which was worse than labor. Of course, as soon as the ER staff found out I had a RNY it's all they could think about so they didn't do a pelvic ultrasound to see if it was something "female".  Fine... Right along with that was another pain in my stomach, which persisted after the ovarian pain should have gone away. I had a CT of my abdomen, upper/lower GI, then an ultrasound of the pelvis (which shows more cysts on each ovary).  Mind you, during this time eating was horrible, caused lots of pain and I lost 12 lbs. Now that's ok normally, but I was fighting to keep at 128 as it was, so getting down to 116 was terrible.  I started taking Prilosec and it helped and I was at least able to eat. So, off to Dr Gibbs I go to see what he could find out. He put me on antibiotics for a bacteria that can find a nice little home in the bypassed part of our intestines. I felt better after starting, but he still wanted to do a gallbladder study. There is also a chance there is an obstruction in the small bowel, but unfortunately, it's in a part of the gut that can't be seen on x-ray or CT.....only by going in there and looking. Yesterday I had the gallbladder ultrasound and he found "sludge" in there and says it's gotta go.  While he's in there he'll check the small bowel situation. The surgery is scheduled for 4/16. In the meantime (didn't I tell you this would be long?) I'm fighting to keep weight on, so I contacted JoBeth at Baptist to see if she would give me some healthy suggestions to help me regain some of the 12 lbs I lost.  After telling me how successful and inspirational I am, she said I am still at a normal BMI and suggested I get counseling for my food obsessions. I can't tell you how this hurt me, not to mention the mixed messages it sent to me.  I can easily eat the way I did before WLS and gain weight, would she rather I do that?  Just because some damn chart says I'm normal, it's not looking at bones!!!  Well, of course all of the comments are running rampant through the salon about how I look anorexic, frail, skinny , you name it, they say it.  These people would have never dreamed of saying I was fat, sloppy or ugly when I was MO, but they have no problem telling me I'm too thin.  Needless to say, between all of my doctors and Nut telling me I'm OK, then listening to people telling me I'm not, I'm going a little crazy here. I don't feel like an inspiration and I question my ability to be a leader for all of you because of what JoBeth said. I talked to my pcp about all of this and he's put me on antidepressants and Adavan for the anxiety I feel when I get into situations where I feel people are attacking me personally. Yes, I've also made an appointment to see a counselor because I really need help learning to cope with this new body and the comments I'm getting. So, my friends, there it is.  I just wanted you to know that I'm struggling here and why I haven't felt I could offer good suggestions or support to you. You all have been on my mind and I do check in to see how things are going. Please understand that this whole thing are things that could happen to all of us on this journey. It's not just a physical one, but almost more mental than anything else. I've gotta go to work but will be around tomorrow.  Hope everyone is doing well. Hugs to you all

I am sure no one wants to hear me the long term post op give her 2 cents but who cares. I have said since day one after my RNY, that this surgery is not physically hard to recover from it is more mental. It has been 7 long years and somedays it sucks!!!!!!! My mind is tired. You have taken the right steps with counseling and scripts for anxiety. I too take them and I too have depression, I am being told by the person I married, that I am fat....or he makes smart gestures when I eat....I told him to "F" off the other day and meant it. I have had it up to my new boobs with his crap. Susan, you are still our leader...you have just hit a point where you may be putting too much focus on us and not on you. Failure to focus on you will make your health issues worse. We are all adults here and we can take care of ourselves. You must take time off from trying to please and aide everyone here.  I am still obese according to the BMI chart......I basically said "F" off to that chart too. I dont know what to tell you about the remarks and trying to re-gain. I get remarks all day long....some good some bad. Adults tend to be more harsh than children. Anyhow, my trainer saw me today in real clothes........he said  "damn your hot, you clean up good cupcake!!"  can you imagine how that made me feel..........I feel on top of the world. Just wanted to share that.

So Susan, pm me for my number if you need it.  I will answer if I am not asleep or at the gym. Please get better....take some time off for you and dont worry about leading us losers....by god I will lead us......folks may not like it ,but....I  can do it.....haha ok honey feel better huggs tabbykat

You're so right, Tammy, it's the mental stuff that has been the hardest for me. Losing has been a snap, but now the hard stuff has started. Thanks so much for understanding and being here. Everyone needs to know how important it is to have someone like you, years out from surgery to knock (with the pink boxing gloves, thank you very much) some sense into us. I'll be off for three weeks, so you all better watch out..... Hugs back at ya

Sista Susan,
Just wanted ya to know you will be on the top of my prayer list. Ya got my number if ya need to talk or just vent!
Many Huggs sent ur way!
Rhonda T

Rhonda, thank you so much for the prayers, hugs and understanding. I've felt badly that I haven't felt up to answering questions or just "being here" for this last few weeks. But everyone is right, I need to get better, physically as well as mentally. Don't worry, I'll surely call if I need to. It's so nice to know you're all here. love,

Susan I just wanted to say that I think you are a wonderfu leader.  I really think part of the reason you are such a good leader and so inspirational is because of your struggles (from your ankle early out and on).  You always keep going and try to stay positive and show us all how to do so in the process.   Even the good parts of this journey can be really frustrating, especially like you said "the comments".  Even the "good" comments can be frustrating, much less the insensitive, intrusive, BS comments!   You know, while I'm thinking about it - you mentioned the chart that they use to tell us whether or not we are "normal", overweight, obese according to our BMI, etc.  I have heard that bone density gets heavier when we are obese for years and that our bones actually weigh more post-op than a skinny person's does if they had never been heavy.  Does JoBeth account for that?  Or is that total crap I wonder?  Also, does her BMI chart account for extra-skin.  (I know I hide a lot of that, probably pounds worth!)  I'm beginning to think the BMI chart is worthless for post-ops because it DOESN'T account for these things.  So if you feel too skinny and everyone around you agrees (except a NUT who is looking at some chart instead of looking at YOU), then I'd say YOU'RE not the crazy one!   You are so right about the way doctors (and even our friends/family) will ASSUME that if something goes wrong with us anywhere NEAR the stomach, it MUST be from "that surgery".  I've had female problems all my life.  Some of them have continued after my surgery.  When I feel pain in my stomach now, my husband told the other day that he worries.  He never worried before because he knew it was female trouble.  But now he does and told me specifically it's because I had "that surgery".  That's frustrating too.  Friends and family I can almost understand.  But DRs and nurses I expect better from.  They should KNOW that there is SOOOO much more in there that can go wrong that has NOTHING to do with "that surgery".  GRRRRRR... If you need time to focus on you, I totally understand you not posting so much and you know I totally support you on that if that's what you need to do.  But if it is only your feelings of leadership inadequacy keeping you from posting, PLEASE give it some more thought!  Leaders are never perfect.  They are just dedicated and brave enough to put time and effort INTO leading.  That sounds like you to me.  Hope you feel better soon! Wen

Ok, you've left me speechless. All I can say is thanks. see you tomorrow where you'll get big hugs!

Hey Susan! I wish there was something I could say to make it all better but I can't think of anything other than.......... WE LOVE YOU AND WILL SUPPORT YOU WITH WHATEVER YOU NEED!!! Take care of yourself and keep us updated!!   Karen

Just knowing all of you are here for me is going to make it ok.  Thanks for always being so positive. hugs and smoochies

(((HUGE HUGS))) I'm a newbie in this journey but I just wanted to offer my support.  I could feel the emotion in your post and I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you!!  Get better, feel better...take care of yourself first.   With great admiration, Sandy