How To Help a Friend

What do you do when you have a friend who is also a WLS person and they have started withdrawing from you because they have gained some significant weight back?

I try to maintain contact, usual conversations, meeting for lunches or walkng but to no avail..........

Guess it has to come from that person within????


Leslie

I have friends that had WLS and some have not been as successful as me (of course they didn't put in the effort I did either) and I have a friend who was my "fat buddy" and we enabled each other.  My WLS friends actually come to me for "tough love" to help them get back on track.  Where I have more difficulty is with my morbidly obese friend.  I sense a jealousy over the amount of energy and the physical things I can do that she cannot.  She has made some unkind remarks about my weight loss in front of other people.  I finally had to have a heart to heart with her and I had to accept that those are HER issues and she has to come to terms with them.  We are still friends, but our relationship has changed as I've pursued a more active lifestyle.  I hope one day she finds her path to health so we can hang out more.

Kim

Leslie I also have had the same thing to happen.  Had a friend that we would talk on the phone ever week and go to lunch occasionally and all of a sudden she stopped calling.  The last time I seen the friend all they wanted to talk about was how much weight they had gained.  I suggested that they get back in to see the WLS surgeon and got  no where.   I came to the conclusion oh well their lose.   You know, these people who put back on weight is not a failure, they did lose the weight and can do it again.  No,  the surgery is not a cure all, it is a tool.

Leslie,

Speaking from experience here. 

When you gain weight following this surgery....you revive all the same old feelings of guilt and shame.  You see yourself as a failure.  I found myself speaking vile, cruel, words to myself in the mirror just as I did at 300 pounds.  To re-gain the weight feels as bad as it did when I was growing up.  If you can have a heart - heart with your friend just remind them they are loved and that you will help in any way you can and then if they don't respond; ignore that subject and remember the other common grounds that you share.  They may just feel so ashamed that they can't face you.

You can only do what you can.

Lisa

Leslie, if someone will not allow you in, there is nothing you can do.  I understand.  Just as others have said, I put on about 8 pounds a few months ago and I felt as though I weighed 350 again.  It is shame and guilt just as others have said.  However, you have to decide that you will no longer live in that shame, guilt and unforgiveness.  I had to stop eating me a BEC biscuit from Jack's each morning and change what I was eating.  BUT...I had to do it and we all have to do it each day.  I need to get back into my support group because I do believe that is one of the greatest tools we have for being successful.  Anyway...your friend is probably just so ashamed.  Just be patient and maybe send her a card letting her know you care. 

The same thing has happened with a friend, she had lap band 6 months before I had RNY.  Bless her heart she hasn't lost anything.  In the beginning she would call me and ask why she wasn't losing.  Turns out she was STILL drinking her full sugar Dr Peppers.  Now we only see each other at our kids soccer games and school functions.

Like the others have said if she won't talk to you or let you in, there isn't anything you can do.

True ladies.  I have to let it go.  There is a part of me that feels the need to help others.......not sure why that is but it is her issues and not mine.................
Thanks.

Leslie, that is the fat girl in our heads.  We always wanted to be everything to everybody-and never selfishly put ourselves first.  Sometimes relationships can go on, and sometimes we just need to let them go.  You'll know what to do and when to do it--just remember to put your needs in the relationship high on the priority list.

Kim