Needing your love and support (LONG)

This is a hard post for me, but I feel the need to be open and share with my Bama Board friends and family.
I fourth surgiversary just passed...October 11th and I didn't post because I wasn't feeling very much like celebrating.

I feel like such a failure.  I have suffered from depression my whole life and that is one thing the weight loss didn't seem to help.  I loved it when I got down to 150 lbs.  I had not been that small in more than 35 years and I felt tiny!!!  I had lost 159 lbs through the blessing of WLS.  I was off of all my medications except for the antidepressant.  I could curl up in a little ball and when I crossed my legs, I could actually wrap them around each other!!  I had made it...I could run and play with my grandchildren.  It felt so good for my DH's arms to fit all the way around me and also a regular size towel!  Now, I am on zocor for high cholestrol and my anti depressant has been increased again!  I have gained back to 212 or I was last week...the last time I weighed.  I graze constantly on protein bars, bananas and quaker popcorn flavored mini rice cakes...oh yeah don't forget those one or two caffiene free diet cokes every night.

I went into this surgery knowing that I had to change and that I wouldn't be able to eat as much and it would not be easy and it would be hard work.  Well, I have found that 'knowing' it and living it are two entirely different things.  I took over the lead of a support group...for myself as much as for others.  But...I felt more and more like I was focused on my failures at each meeting...I didn't seem to be practicing what I was preaching.  I began to feel more and more like a failure.  

I have had one 'challenge' after the other in my personal life (and I know you all have)...I'm not trying to have a pity party...I've been doing that for years and that is why I am writing this.  I have felt tremendous stress in my job and like EVERYTHING in my life was just weighing me down.  Where did I turn?...to my old friend food...well I did start some counseling, but when one of the 'challenges' got worse and I could no longer afford the sessions...I had to leave them behind.   Again, I KNOW what I need to do, but knowing and doing are so different. 

I start a lot of days off saying to myself I am going to do better today.  I do pretty good with the eating most days at work.  The grazing I do it from the minute I walk in the door until I leave for work the next day...literally.  I go through at least one box of each (protein bars and quaker pc cakes...six of each) per day.  We buy bananas by the bunches.  These things are easy for me to eat...slider foods.  I have rationalized the protein bars because I am geting the protein that I need (more actually) each day.  I still have a very hard time with chicken and most meats getting stuck so I avoid meals.  I feel very lethargic and depressed when I am at home and avoid cooking.  My poor DH will make turnip and sausage soup every once in a while because he knows I will eat soups.

I've started to admit to myself that the protein bars are a trigger food.  I gained most of this weight without ever eating sugar...I was afraid of being addicted again so I never tried...until a few weeks ago when my boss brought in the second lemon pound cake her dad made from scratch.  There has ALWAYS been those kinds of things around, but I just knew I couldn't eat sugar and it never bothered me...well I ate a tiny piece and didn't get sick and then later I ate another tiny piece.  There is a coworker in my office who surprises us on all big holidays like, Christmas, Easter, Halloween with litle packages of candies and I have always brought mine home to my DH or my DGS's...this year at Halloween I ate it all myself.  I walked in from work last week and my DH had purchased FOUR boxes of 18 count popcorn balls...he has never done anything like this (HIS REASON WAS...THEY WERE ONLY 25 CENTS A BOX OR 4 FOR A DOLLAR!!!!!)but if he did get himself something, I didn't eat it BECAUSE I DIDN'T EAT SUGAR!!!  DIDN'T being the operative word.

I really feel like I am falling apart.  I feel like I need to just go away for about a month into some sort of fat farm and get treatment and not be around anyone or anything that I shouldn't eat...just be given what I should have and get my head fixed.  I do drink most of my water each day...mostly in decaf hot tea and white grape crystal light...well weekdays.  My weekends are like my nights...eat...eat...eat!!!  I take my vitamins...I take a calcium,fish oil, vitamin B50, B12 Sublingual and a multivitamin each morning.  I take iron at lunch and two hours later another calcium and fish oil, and at night I take another calcium, B50, Vitamin A, Biotin another B12 sublingual and another multivitamin.  It's just the food addiction or the junk food (protein bars included) that is getting me.

Iknow this is long and i have probably lost most of you by now, but i needed to 'talk' about this and try to hear myself.  I know what I should do, I do the water and vitamins and protein so I am "healthy", but I don't exercise, I don't write down what I eat, I don't even TRY anymore.  I DON'T WANT TO.  There...I said it.  I must not want to...I don't do it.  I know I have probably blown some of your minds this morning with my confession, but you newbies or preops who are reading this...PLEASE make sure you get your head issues right before or at least during the honeymoon period.  I NEVER stopped eating every hour or two...it was just sugarfree popcicles when my pouch wouldn't hold anything and I couldn't eat other things., but once I could...I had not changed my habits.  I talked the talk, but didn't walk the walk and now I can't even talk the talk anymore. 

I've been having headaches for about a month now and have been on antibiotics twice wit decongestant and pain medicine they have been so bad.  I have missed work, important family events...a funeral this weekend and the guilt in that is getting to me too!  The doctor sent me for a CT scan last Thursday and they had changed it to an MRI instead of my brain and sinuses.  He had put me on Xanax and I had taken one for the CT scan but took a second when they said MRI...very claustrophobic...and I made it, thank God my DH was able to drive me there and home.  I am being very careful with the Xanax, I don't want to get hooked on nerve pills.   I go to the docor today to get the results.  Please pray for me...I almost hope there is something wrong that will explain my I can't do what I KNOW I need to do.   I really think I am having stress headaches.  I work for a micro-managing procrastinating woman who has monthly woman issues that effect her mood very badly.  But, I need my job, I am well paid and the benefits are good.  I have the medical insurance and with my WLS and  myDH's prostate cancer last year...we have to stay covered on a group policy.  I was also able to get life insurance on myself and my DH (no health questions, guarantee issue)...so I HAVE to work and I KNOW I can't go away for a month...I have to be realizistic, but it is getting harder Nd harder.  I need your good thought s and prayers very much.  I know God is there, but I am having a harder and harder time feeling him these days.  I know he doesn't leave...we are the ones who leave...but I can't seem to get back.  Please pray for me.  I am not going to go back and read this rant, because I know I will chicken out and not post it.  I needed to 'come clean' with you and myself!! I love you all and I appreciate all of you who have stayed with me through this looonnnngggg post.  I will post the results later...I really do want for you and me Christ's peace....I know it is there, I am just having a hard time receiving it these days, but I will continue to ask for it!!

You didn't lose me.  I was right with you every word.  Connie, You are NOT a failure.  You are a SUCCESS.  You fell off the wagon just like I did several times.  You can get back on track.  You can do it one day at a time.  We are here for you.  Medications can add to weight gain.  Stress is a trigger.  Drag out those paints and paint ,paint, paint.   When you need to talk just give me a call.  I might not know the answer but I can make you laugh.  I can always tell you something idiotic I have done.

Connie, you are not alone and you are not a failure.  You are a success and we are here to help you be a greater success.  One day at a time.

Gwen 

I will be praying for you. I too am a grazer. I am constantly hunting something to eat. I may only eat a bite or two but I "want" something. As some as I taste it I know thats not what I want. My downfall is peanut butter and crackers. I love you and hate to see you having this problem. They say misery loves company so maybe it helps to know you aren't the only person out here with these issues. A lot of us are struggling with depression. I will keep you in my prayers. I do love you and thank you for having the courage to post this. Try not to be to hard on yourself. Love You, Miss Mary

All I can say is WOW!!!  You have a heavy heart this a.m. sweetie!
and...you aren't that much different than me, I just don't post many of my thoughts.
I too have suffered from depression since childhood...and it is TOUGH!  This time of the year is the WORSE for me too for I battle with the time change/weather change.  HOLD ON TIGHT...I will PRAY FOR YOU as I hope you will PRAY FOR ME as well. 
Did you see my post where I gained up above 200#s? in the last year?  Now I am back down to 182# with my goal at 170#.  Why 170#?  Because that was my lowest weight ever.
You can lose your weight back down...it wasn't gained overnight, and it won't be lost overnight...just be patient with yourself, okay? 
We are always the toughest on ourselves...KNOW that it is okay to be "easy" with yourself...tender with yourself...for you only have "one" self in life!  It is okay to LOVE yourself Connie! 
We love you and RESPECT you around here!  
I KNOW it was difficult for you to type those heart-felt words, but I LOVE you & LIFT you up in prayer as my sister and friend!   

Hi Connie

Don't beat your self up over this. I to am struggling with old habits and have gained back 40lb of the weight i had lost. I realized i need someone to be accountable to so i write down every thing i put in my mouth weather it is a small peace of candy or just a peace of gum , you don't realize how much you really are eating until you write it down and look at it and figure the calorie's.I don't want to get back over 300 Lb again.I am on 2 antidepressants and 2 seizure med and insulin and every time they go up on any of it i get hungry. I have just made myself quit eating between meals,I drink water instead. If you need someone to be accountable to you can write it down and PM or e-mail it to me. Don't stop your support group now is when you need them the most.I stopped going to mine for a few months and gain 20Lb so i decided to go back and face them  so i will be accountable to them. will be praying for you. Quit eating bananas they are very-high in calories.I get choked real easy on meat and anything that is real dry,so i got a personal size blender and chop everything up really good before i eat it.Dr snow told me to chew chew chew and if i could not chew it to puree consistence to spit it out.you might try that.Also you mite try eating several small high protein meals through out the day.

Pamela D.

Connie,
I will bepraying for you today and will send you a note PM later today.
Sometimes it is good to know that others are there too..
Hugs
Shirley

(((((( Connie ))))))

I know it's difficult not to be so hard on yourself, but you need to cut yourself some slack.  Gaining some weight back happens sometimes if we let our old bad habits back in our lives.  And having issues in our lives doesn't make things any easier.  I am only 9 months out and am already struggling to keep those bad habits away, so I can only imagine how difficult it must be at 4 years out.  You sound so defeated in your post.  You mentioned that your doctor had put you on an antidepressant...have you considered talking to your doctor about possibly increasing the dosage a tad?  Sometimes when you have been on something for a long time, the dosage needs to be adjusted.  Perhaps if you could pull yourself out of this funk you are in, then you would be able to find the strength and motivation you need to get back on track.  But don't ever think that you are a failure.  Sure, you slipped.  But you can get back where you want to be, you just have to look deep into your heart and figure out what the root of the problem is and deal with that first.  Something in your mindset has changed and you need to figure out what it is.  I know the support group in Mobile is no longer.  Have you considered joining us over in Baldwin County for our support group or going to the one at Mobile Infirmary?  I feel strongly that we need that extra support after having WLS.  We need to be able to talk to others who have walked in our shoes and understand our struggles.  Or do you have a counselor or clergy that you can open up to.  I feel your heavy heart and it saddens me, because I know you are a wonderful, caring person.  I hope you find your answers soon.

Sincerely,
Sandi

(((Connie)))
You know you are so special to me.. and I've seen you come through some roadblocks and personal struggles. YOU are a TROOPER! It's hard for us to look at ourselves and not see the "failure" we were before, the fat person, the person who constantly ate and made mistakes.. Oh, guess what?? WE ARE NOT PERFECT!! There, I said it.. yep, it's true!! None of us here haven't grazed, ate something we shouldn't have, or made a mistake..we just have to pick ourselves up and realize yep, we can start again. TODAY is a NEW DAY! And I'm working towards goal today.
It takes hard work. You need to walk, get a buddy, get out the IPOD-- install it with your favorite music-- get Richard out walking with you-- moonlit, sunrise walks.
And see a counselor. It sounds like you have issues you can't even deal with. And that's ok. My sister sees someone weekly. I cannot afford it and I told her I need her secondhand advice when she leaves!!! (I call hers "Mom Therapy" as she is still dealing with what happened to us as children).  This week my sister starts with a dietician. She is trying to get back on track too.. and the emotional is there daily!!
But you have to want it, Connie. No one can want it for you.. no one can make you drink your water.. not graze.. go for that walk .. go to the gym.. make dinner tonight.. YOU have to decide today I'm going to get back on track!
Pray.. I'm praying for you.. but walk with him and talk with him. I know how well you know HIM!
Sometimes it's easy to give it over to him, but other times we seem to want to pick it back up - and try it handle it by ourselves.. and we cannot. Without HIM we are nothing, without Him we can Do Nothing!! But with Him.. Everything is within our grasp and it's all right here!!
I am praying for you today, please let me know how you are.. I'm praying you find that Peace and feel him right there beside you holding your hand ready to lead you in to a whole new beginning!
Today is the day, Connie.. Start over, take a deep slow breath, it's OK. Now.. feel better and start to feel good about yourself. You are loved!!

I will start off with what an AMAZING woman you are , we all fall short in our everyday lives . Don't beat yourself up Sweet Lady ! You can ask some on this board I have said wonderful things about you !! You have touched my heart so many times and you didn't even know  You are always here with a kind word to everyone . And handle yourself in a very Graceful manner. I will keep you in my thoughts and Prayers. Just remember we all fail at things we just have to stand up and dust ourselves off and keep the FAITH. So you ate some sweets  as you weren't sweet enough already .  I love you lady and pick that chin up as I and allot more think you are an amazing woman !!

I love you Connie!!!!    You are not a failure.  You have always been such an inspiration to me.