more funnies

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
>>>He thought he was God, and I didn't.
>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
-

>>>
>>>Marriage is a three-ring circus:
>>>Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
-

>>>
>>>For Sale :
>>>Wedding dress, size 8.
>>>Worn once by mistake.
>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>
>>>There are two times when a man doesn't understand a
>>>woman:
>>>Before marriage and after marriage.
>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
-

>>>
>>>Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
>>>Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
>>>when they go, they take your house and car.
>>>------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>----
>>>
>>>The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
>>>seemed way too qualified for the job.
>>>'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual
>>>experience in picking lemons?'
>>>'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!', she replied.
'I've
>>>been divorced three times.'
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>
>>>An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
>>>remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40
>>>years.
>>>The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me
>>>the exact words that were used to put the curse on
>>>you.'
>>>The old man says without hesitation,
>>>'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>
>>>Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
>>>All the DNA is the same.
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming...
>>>Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me
>>>had slipped into the check-out line, pushing a cart
>>>piled high with groceries.
>>>Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman
>>>to come forward looked into the cart and asked
>>>sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
>>>Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>
>>>Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
>>>my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would
>>>be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're
>>>both 90 years old,' the husband said . 'We may not
>>>have 45 minutes.'
>>>They were seated immediately.
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>
>>>The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected
>>>is that they would hate to have to make a living under
>>>the laws they've passed.
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>
>>>All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
>>>escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar
>>>and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and
>>>placed something in his hand.
>>>The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of
>>>laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her
>>>father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him
>>>back his credit card.
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>
>>>Women and cats will do as they please, and men and
>>>dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
>>>---------------------------------------------------------------
>>>Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
>>>'When you're in your casket, and friends and
>>>congregation members are mourning over you, what would
>>>you like them to say?'
>>>Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a
>>>wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a
>>>great family man.'
>>>Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a
>>>wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge
>>>difference in people's lives.'
>>>Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's
moving!'
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is
>>>unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's
>>>bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody
>>>who asks her! I'm going crazy.
>>>What do you think I should do?'
>>>'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm
>>>down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something
>>>terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
>>>The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
>>>The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
>>>The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that
>>>be?'
>>>The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain
>>>she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
>>>The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
>>>her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you
>>>know.'
>>>A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well,
>>>I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for
>>>three hours.
>>>You want my advice?'
>>>The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
>>>'Take the poison.'
>>>