so how do you get to a place in your life where

you can forgive people for the wrongs they have done you? let me just take a moment to elaborate for those of you who don't keep up with my external blogs.

first off, my girlfriend (of a year and a half) and i have broken up. the whole time we were together we were fighting over stupid nothing types of things and yet i was somehow "stuck" in the relationship because of her codependancy (she convinced me that she needed me and i somehow willed myself to go along with it. i guess i was lonely...)

so now i've discovered that not only did she leave me in a seemingly insurmoutable debt but she also stole NINE rings that belonged to me, presumably with the intent to pawn them for cash. i have since retrieved these rings but seriously, how can i get beyond this point and start to trust people again?

in my entire life i've only had 3 relationships. (yeah, stupid i know but honestly, nobody has ever asked me out. weird huh?) the first one doesn't really count because it was with kensie's dad and well, he wasn't really a part of the relationship (long story. basically he was already married with a child and failed to inform me of this even though we lived together for more than 3 months!) he was always cheating on me and treated me like dog****

the next relationship i had was with a boy (and i say "boy" because he truly was MUCH younger than me! legal but still, MUCH younger!) who had low self esteem so he thought it was a fun game to see how many women he could get interested in him at one time. (again, cheating.)

and now, the relationship that i just ended was with a woman who, while she never cheated on me (that i know of for a fact, but i do suspect) she treated me horribly and STOLE from me!!!

so i'm pretty much burnt out on the human race in general. my life has consisted of me and my daughter for a very long time and honestly, i think it's going to be this way until she graduates. and after that? maybe i'll get some cats or something.

but seriously, i don't want to be "that" person. i'm (somewhat) young and also (somewhat) attractive. i have a decent personality and have experienced enough in my lifetime to be able to make interesting conversation but... how can i get to the point where i TRUST people again??? i feel like a stray dog that's been repeatedly beaten and starved and just wants to snap at any hand that's held out towards me.

Trust has to be earned - and, unfortunately, learned.  And for you, dear, that will be a process, maybe a long, long process.    Just keep your guard up, and pray for discernment so you'll enter into any relationship, whether it's just friends, or more, with open eyes.    I know it's easier said than done, but don't give up on us humans.  We aren't perfect, just forgiven. 

You have life experiences that you can draw from.  Keep your eyes open for those 'flags' that you saw before, and you'll be ready to spot them again.  Keep your chin up!  It's my firm belief that God created us to be happy and content, and everything we experience was planned way before we even existed.  

Good luck & I'll be praying for ya!

lisa

you know, i DID see the warning flags. (each time.) but i somehow convinced myself that they weren't there or that they weren't "that bad" or that i could forgive them (afterall, no relationship is "perfect", right?) but i just don't understand at what point do you say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! at what point do you let it slide and at what point do you put your foot down and say that you won't tolerate any more?

OK, so you did see the flags...but, we are HUMAN.  We weren't created to be alone, so of course, you convinced yourself that they weren't all that bad.  And you're right - no relationship is perfect. 

The other ladies are sooooo right - if you don't forgive these people (in your heart if not verbally to them) then it will only eat at YOU.  You and your daughter will be the ones to suffer in the long run.  It will eat and eat at you and make you miserable. Trust me, we've all been there.

It's not a matter of letting things slide or putting your foot down - it's a matter of making good sound decisions.  And the only way I can make those sorts of decisions is with alot of prayer and contemplation.  And maybe this is the time for you to spend alot of quality time with your daughter, and let things 'settle'.  Just when you aren't expecting it, God will open a door (or a big ol' window) and surprise you.

i'm actually more "spiritual" than religious to be quite honest with you. my family is catholic and i was raised catholic as a child (as is my daughter) but for me personally, i believe in a "higher power" and just general good manners (and the golden rule and ten commandments of course. you know, do unto others and all that stuff?) so while i don't pray to "god" or "a god or gods" so to speak, i DO pray. not necessarily to one person or entity but just to the universe in general. does that make any sense? i sing the praises of nature and thank "whomever" for everything and everyone in my life and ask that they are "taken care of".

so anywho, i'm looking for a career "door or window" at this moment and i figure i'll take this time to work on myself internally and hopefully when the time is right i'll be in a better place spiritually and perhaps that special someone will come along while i'm not even looking. but it's just so hard when i don't even have any friends to turn to. and i'm totally serious. i have nobody. when i get off of work i go home, help kensie with her homework, fix supper, make sure she takes a bath and her medicine and then we watch a movie until bedtime. and that's it. i'm not on the phone with anyone, i don't email or text anyone, i don't spend any time with anyone... nothing. i have nobody but myself and my child. and i'm afraid that it will turn into some desperate thing where i don't even ALLOW anyone else into our lives for fear of them taking her away from me. does that make sense?

but i REALIZE this and i'm trying to fix it NOW before it truly becomes the problem that i'm so afraid will happen. that's another reason why i wish i could just make myself invisible so that i don't HAVE to deal with anyone. i don't want to go through this again and it would just be so much easier if i could "not be seen" and not be on anyone's radar and could just live my life (work, take care of kensie, pay bills, etc.)

Amanda, I am so sorry for all that has happened, however, you are going to have to forgive this person who has hurt you so badly.  It is so hard to do, but for your sake, not hers, you have to.  Ask God to help you.  He will.  Unforgiveness just eats away at us and the person we haven't forgiven could usually care less.  It only hurts us. 

Also, you know, there is a reason for everything in life.  I honestly believe it makes us stronger.  It may take some time, but you will trust again.  Ask God for guidance and wisdom in making decisions on future friends.  He will guide you, I know that because He has helped me.  I don't know any other way to help you other than to pray for you and let you know that God is standing right there with His arms outstretched to you.  He is our comforter and our hope in life.  I love you!!!

i really just wish that i could somehow make myself invisible and just live my life and not have to deal with anyone else. i feel so hurt and so betrayed and i honestly don't know if i can bring myself to the point of forgiveness. and certainly not to the point of "trying again" with someone else. it just blows my mind that people could treat the ones that they supposedly love with such malice. idk, maybe i'm just naive or something but i don't understand how this is even possible.

I really felt I had to take the time to respond to you.  Carmen is so right.  You have to forgive.  It really is hard, I know.  We are forgiven, no questions asked! Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.  You have to choose to forgive.  That doesn't mean you condone what someone has done, and it does not make it right...but unforgiveness only hurts the one who can not or should I say will not forgive.  I know you may not get that right now.  When you have been hurt so badly, it is hard.  But just ask God for strength and He will help you.  Again forgiveness doesn't take from you, it only gives.  All of life is choices and yes, God does know what will happen but He did give us choices...the sometimes hard part is making those choices.

(edited to add) Maybe you just need to be you and your precious daughter for a while.  It takes time!

Good luck sweetie!  I will keep you in my prayers. 

it's so fresh right now... i just feel like i have to stew on it and be mad for awhile. does that make sense? i know it isn't healthy and i know that i really should forgive her (and the others, and myself as well) but right now i just feel so stupid for being so trusting and idk... maybe i feel like i have to punish myself for awhile. i mean afterall, i'm 31 years old. i should've seen this coming from a mile away!

I know we all may make it sound like it is easy, but it isn't.  You are the only one who knows what you can and can't do.  We can give you all the advice in the world, but you're right.  It is still fresh...and it does make sense.  I have been there and could write a book on it.

It is not stupid to trust people.  We just have to discern who the people are that we can trust.   Alot of it goes back to our childhood and how much we could trust those who were responsible to take care of us.  If your parents weren't there for you, physically, emotionally, and/or mentally, it is hard to trust...even God...  I always heard that God was our Heavenly Father and we could trust Him to do what is right for us and I struggled and struggled until we had a woman come and speak at our church (I am Catholic) and she talked about how if you didn't have a trustworthy father or mother, how could you trust a Heavenly Father?  She made me see that God is so much more than our human parents.  He can not fail us.  Not to say that He gives us everything we want, or at least what we think we want, but as you live through these tough times and you get through them. When things get better, you can look back and see how you have grown because of what happens.  Take what has happened with you and really "stew" over  it and look at the traits these people had and what they had in common and you will learn what to avoid.  Sometimes we look for sameness because it is what we know...not always what is best.  I wish I could be there to give you a big ole hug, but a cyber hug will have to do.  I will continue to pray that you have a breakthrough and you will free yourself of this self punishment.  God really doesn't want us to hurt.  He loves us and wants us to be happy.  The secret is, being able to trust and listen with your heart.

Here's that hug...I will get off my soap box.  I really do care and I hope you can see what I am trying to get across to you.  I really have been there...there is hope!!!